Hi all, where do I start.....
It's been a while since I've been on here. I lost my wife in April 2024, after a hard battle with a metastatic adenocarcinoma in the stomach. She was misdiagnosed for years and was told she was dying in in September 2022, that's when I started grieving for the woman I loved so deeply, I knew I was about to watch her fade away and die, we were told 12-18 months, she lasted 18 months. I contemplated all sort as you all know, and can imagine - I kept a bottle of morphine aside for that purpose, there was no way in my mind I could continue with life without her, yet here I am.
I started a YouTube channel to try and share my grief, as a catharsis, in the hope it would help others. The channel has been great in the terms of it's built a community, and have met some amazing people through it, people in our situation. Now here's the bit I want to tell you......
Sarah died on Aril 26th 2024, at 6pm. 10pm that night I received a text from someone I was 'with' around 20 years ago, saying "It drives me insane that I can't stop thinking about you after 20 years, block me because I can't block you". Her name is Charlotte, she lives in Sweden, and she knew nothing about Sarah. not a thing, as we lost contact around 2007. I messaged back telling her I'd just lost the love of my life, she was so full of regret and apologies for saying what she did, and asked for forgiveness, I didn't hear from her again until August 2024. In August a received a message asking how I was, and I messaged back telling her lots of things about how I was struggling with everything, we started talking over the following months and eventually started making regular, daily video calls.
Charlotte is an empath, and was wonderful as she listened to me while I was bawling my eyes out talking about life, and loss. She offered an ear, sympathy and advice where she thought appropriate. She talked me out of taking my own life, encouraging my YouTube journey and making me get my finger out and get some help. I attended counselling through my work, and then a therapy group through the Beatson cancer charity, which was amazing at helping me understand grief a bit more. As you can imagine, we developed a close bond, even though we were 1500 miles apart, different lives, she owned a yarn store in Sweden, I worked for the government here in Scotland! There was a strong spark between us way back in 2005, but life and circumstances meant it couldn't happen, but I was struggling with my emotions as I was developing strong feelings, I felt like I was betraying my Sarah.
I spoke to my therapists and they told me that these things can happen, it's perfectly natural and there's no 'timeline' etc. So Charlotte decided to visit in November last year, and we bonded straight away.........fast forward to now, she's sold her business and wants to spend her life with me. She said that "Sarah got to love me till the day she died, no she gets to love me for the both of them"
I still talk about Sarah so much, she's still in my thoughts and in my heart every day, and that will never change....grief doesn't go away, or get smaller, we grow around it and learn to live our lives differently. Charlotte has embraced my life with Sarah, encourages me to talk about her, look at photos and videos etc, she's one of a kind. Why am I telling you all this? Here's why....
I wanted to end my life, I had it all planned in fine detail, but fate had other ideas. I could never have imagined my current situation, to love, and be loved again....with my love from 20 years ago!! She was only 19 back then, I was 32 which Is why I couldn't pursue a relationship, which broke her heart. She has held onto that all that time, and without knowing a thing about Sarah, contacts me on the same night she dies? It's insane. I'm hoping that my story may give someone a slight glimmer of hope, that healing can happen, that you will grow and learn to manage your grief, it won't go away, but like I said before, your heart grows and will allow room for other things in your life.
Is it too soon? I don't know, who decides that? I love Charlotte, she here now and she shown me nothing but compassion, respect and empathy, and she selling her life up in literally moving country to be with me. I'll always love Sarah, and cherish the memories we have. We had a wonderful marriage, and I have wonderful memories. I've been at the receiving end of some ugliness from people that have judged, but they haven't walked in my shoes. I cared for Sarah 24/7, washed her, cleaned her after the bathroom, did everything for her and dedicated my life to making hers bearable, and held her hand while lying in bed next to her as she took her last breath. My life was devastated, but I'm now here telling you all that I have found love, in such tragic, yet fairytale circumstances.
I feel for every one of you, my heart aches for Sarah, but now beats hard for a woman that practically saved my life. I will carry Sarah's legacy with me till the day I die, but I have a chance of living the rest of my life fully, happy and full of love.
I truly wish you all the strength to endure. Remember the good times, the fun times, and remember the loving bond you have, it never goes away. Some of you may judge me, may think I'm wrong....that's ok. But only I know what Sarah and I had, and the 4 years of care and dedication I gave to her, I have nothing to feel guilty for, she know how much I love her, she knows.
