I just miss her.

It certainly is a tough emotional experience. I lost my husband in September 23 and have found myself really struggling the last few months. It's a different struggling to the initial heartbreak more an acceptance that he is gone and life will never be the same. I miss him and the life we shared, is still so painful. The dark days of January really don't help.

I feel, some friends think I should be back to my old self now but the reality is my old self has gone. I'm moving forward slowly and emotionally to a new me.

I've lost some so called friends along the way but I've gained some amazing friends who totally stepped up not out. All of this adds to the challenges of wading through this dreadful time.

I started counselling in July and feel it has helped me talk about my feelings and understand that it's normal to feel as I do. Only someone who has been through grief totally gets you which is why this site is such a life line to so many of us.

I lost my husband in July 2023 to glioblastoma, and i am not coping at all well. I cannot be bothered to do much at all. Last winter i could keep myself busy doing puzzles and lego, but now i have no interest in these things either,  I have turned to alcohol and drink every evening, and yes i know alcohol is a depressant in itself, but it gets me through the long lonely evenings. On occasions i have taken to much medication as well not sure if i ever want to wake up, as it would be so much easier not to. Life now is an existence with no real enjoyment. I have counselling at least once a week sometimes twice, and that does help and if it wasn't for her i don't think i would still be here. Sorry to be so bleak but that is what my head feels at the moment, and i cannot see a way out of it. Take care all.x

It’s 2.45am.

i have been intermittently sobbing since 4pm. 
I had a relatively good day. Put together a flat pack unit with my sister. Lunch with her and mum. Scrabble. 
Home. Bit of painting. 
Half a loaf of bread toasted with butter (most eaten in days). 
Im going to ok.

Then it starts again. 
Why did you have to go?
Why have you left me?
I can’t and don’t want to do this without you. 
It’s not right. 
What am I supposed to do without you?

Reliving his last hour. 
Reliving “that” conversation. 
Reliving the stress and frustration and anger with avoidable delays in treatment. 
Reliving watching him get weaker, getting hoarser and swallowing getting worse. 
Reliving him whispering that he didn’t wan5 to go. That he wasn’t ready to go. 

My beautiful Valen told me not to be sad and that I would be ok as well. 
That I am stronger than I think. 
At the time we thought only of the there and then and being without him seemed a far off eventuality.
How were we supposed to know or guess how f***ing sad, impossible, heartbreaking this would be.

So Vanguard, yes, it is emotional.

Sending hugs to all xx