Hello, I am a grieving husband and I just want to thank you all. Sorry about the length of this post, but really dont know where to begin. I've been watching and reading so many posts here over the last week or two, decided I had to post. If it is too long please accept my apologies, but I please know I have taken comfort and support realising that I am not the only one going through this hell. Thank you all, for showing that there is hope, however faint it may seem today.
My beloved wife Anne died very suddenly in mid September 2024 from metastatic lung cancer that had rapidly ravaged her body over 18 months. She had aggressive triple negative breast cancer in 2011, but got through that with chemo, mastectomy, radio - all the usual. One year later, rushed to hospital with what turned out to be pneumonia, sepsis, oh, and with a touch of pleurisy (she never did things by half!) Heart stopped 5 times in 6 hours, brought back each time (stubborn besom was my Anne), 6 weeks in hospital, then long road to recovery, leaving her with heart failure, severe COPD and asthma.
Then in October 2022, she had a pain in her calf that would not go away. Long story short, saw GP, suspected DVT, call from hospital that afternoon to go next day for scan. Ultrasound confirmed DVT, needed chest XRay. That confirmed multiple pulmonary embolisms in both lungs - then the nurse stepped to one side, and second nurse approached. I remember Anne clutching my hand, sobbing "Oh No!" - thought she would break my fingers - Nurse knelt by her side - name badge showing MacMillan Lung Cancer Specialist Nurse. We knew - no-one sends a lung cancer nurse to say "Your'e all clear".
Fast forward - Dec 2022, surgery to remove most of right lung, lymph nodes show cancer cells, chemo started and stopped due to kidney failure (Don't ask!), CT/PET scans every 3 months. Then news in Dec 23, its back. Fast growing, aggressive, in Pelvis, hip, lung, around bronchus, C3 to C5 vertebrae. Radiotherapy, didn't stop it. More scans - now in lower spine, growing in and outside neck. Started Immunotherapy - had to stop after first dose due to pnuemonitis. C4 vertebra broke in June 2024, so heavy neck brace 24x7, b'stard disease kept spreading. Every oncology visit gave dropping prognosis...in 9 months went from 5 years, 3 years, 2 years, 12 months. Last one in August was 3-4 months. We knew the end was coming. Early Sept, my beloved Anne suddenly nose dived. Her last 5 days were hell on earth. GP out once/twice a day, paramedics every night, using the JIC kit, district nurses, hospice at home etc. You all know the routine. Friday she was admitted to local hospice, absolutely wonderful place. Consultants said in for a few days, then back home. End of Life Care coming, but not for another 3 months.
I was able to kiss her good night at 8pm as she was going to sleep with all the meds. Told her "I love You, See you in the morning". She looked up at me, gave her silly grin and said, "Love You Too, see you soon". I held her hand for a while until I was sure she was asleep, then drove 60 miles back home (local is relative in the Highlands!). Got that awful call just before 3am to say she had gone. Bleep bleep cancer had spread further and faster than anyone knew
Sorry about so much detail. but I am completely, utterly broken and don't know how to continue. It's now 4 months. Can’t sleep, have lost 2.5 stone since June last year, having screaming nightmares (if I can sleep which is rare), flashbacks, cold sweats, can’t concentrate, feeling either totally numb, or sobbing nonstop.
So, so hard without her to cuddle, kiss and love. I miss cracking a bottle of wine, listening to music until 3am, cuddled in front of the fire. I miss lying in bed with you, holding hands and watching the amazing colours of the sun rising over the mountains together. I miss the walks to the loch, I miss watching the red squirrels raiding the peanut feeders in the garden together, miss us laughing at the buzzard chicks crash landing in trees on their first flights, the pine marten family playing in the back garden while we had a dram at midnight. So many wonderful memories, so why can’t I remember them? Why can I only see your suffering, hear your cries, from that last terrible week?
Oh My God, I miss You, My Darling!
