How long do you grieve?

My husband died 2 months ago from sepsis whilst receiving treatment for lung cancer. His treatment was going well until he  suddenly deteriorated and I was told that no more could be done medically. I still don't understand why this happened. He,was being seen by district nurses every day to check on a pressure,sore but I had no idea he,was that ill and no one prepared me. It is horrific. I have lost my best friend and my everything.

I have no idea how to recover from this. I am taking one day at a time but it is,such hard work.

I am so sorry for your situation and send you love and Hope we can both find a way through. XX

So sorry to hear about your loss. Hard work doesn't begin to describe grief. You say 'no-one prepared' you. I agree: since then, I've looked on cancer advice sites and can't see where sepsis is mentioned. Given that it can be associated with chemotherapy, I feel this is an important omission. Also, although we are encouraged to watch out for infections, the connection to sepsis isn't spelled out. My husband didn't have a temperature in the danger level nor other symptoms that might have been connected to sepsis. The paramedic suggested sepsis but the hospital insisted on testing for infection before administering antibiotics three hours after admission. Protocol states they should have administered them within an hour. 

Nothing can bring our husbands back but the pain of loss is amplified by the traumatic suddenness of sepsis. I hope that knowing you're not alone is some kind of comfort. XX

Just looked again and the Macmillan site does have info about sepsis if you search for it specifically.

Hi there, my husband passed on the 4th August from kidney cancer. We also had been together 40 years. We were given 18 months to 2 years. It ended up being five months from diagnosis. He also had an infection, with a temperature of 103 degrees. We were told to go to A & E, and they would be waiting for him. Not true, we waited for five hours and had to come home as my poor darling couldn’t cope. We went to another hospital the next day for anti-biotics. It got his temperature down, but he passed about a week later. The truth was that the cancer was too advanced. I just wish they had been honest after the scan, we would never have started the chemo. I know that I gave everything I had emotional and physically, as I am sure you did too. Sending you peaceful and kind thoughts. Kate. Xxx

Hi Kate,

I agree about the honesty.

The day we went to the hotel, to start chemo + experimental drugs the following day, we had a call from the private consultant. 
We literally had our coats on to leave. 
He told us over the phone that he was arranging an extra scan as the last one, NHS 4 weeks previous, showed tumour on the brain stem and they wanted to check the size now.

We were never told about this brain tumour. 
We were told that his cancer had returned and aggressively and rapidly spread to liver, neck and base of spine. 
But no mention of brain. 

I can categorically say we would not have thought about chemo is we knew it was so very very advanced.

We would not have wasted 4 weeks of pure and utter stress and anger and despondency negotiating between his private insurers and the hospital trying to arrange the start of his treatment. 
My beautiful Valen would not have totally lost faith in the professionals.

We would have spent those last 4 weeks living.

I totally 100% blame them for his being torn from me in the traumatic, sudden way he was.

Tomorrow we were meant to have been flying to Singapore and Malaysia for the dream holiday we had spent years saving for.

It is so very wrong, morally. My darling wouldn’t have had to go through the nasty side effects of chemo. It made him feel so ill. Towards the end, we decided to stop them. It was my husband’s choice and I completely agreed with him. We would have had three month’s without that additional stress. I feel very sad that you didn’t get the chance to go on your dream holiday together. Sending hugs.Kate.xxx

I know my beautiful Valen felt very cheated when we were given 3 to 6 months after all the horrendous radiotherapy side effects he had to endure. 
Which he did with bravery and fortitude.

He was an amazing cook who loved to experiment but lost his taste (he got back about 75%). 
He used to go to the gym daily and long walks but became tired easily.
Then the radiotherapy burn was so terrible his skin literally fell away and he had to wear a mask. 
His self esteem plummeted and he stopped going out for several weeks.

We got through that, but when he was given the terminal diagnosis a few months later he did ask what had it all been for.

I know we have talked on here about so many of us being told our soulmates had months or even years but they only got weeks with us. 
Are we are given false hope?

If only we had been given all the facts our fleeting time left would have been so different.

Hi Kate so sorry for your loss. I have just been diagnosed with kidney cancer secondary’s in my lungs. They say it’s treatable. The wait for the appointment is terrible. Every ache and pain, you think it’s spreading. My Daughter is expecting twins and I so much want to be a part of their lives. It’s frightening. Try and keep strong. Best regards David. 

Hi David, you are very kind. What we learnt was that kidney cancer quite often doesn’t have any symptoms. It had moved to his liver, but again, very few symptoms. I am so pleased that yours is treatable. Hopefully, you will get your appointment very soon. Sending you strength and kindness. Kate. Xxx

Thanks Kate, best regards.