Well today marks another `milestone` for me. It is exactly 18 months to the day when I lost my dear husband Jay to bowel cancer and sepsis. He passed on the 23rd June 2023. It hardly feels like 18 months and I have amazed myself what I have managed to do on my own without him since he passed because at the time when he was in his final days I just could not see a way forward without him and went to a very dark place just not wanting to be here without him. But bless him in his final days he was the one who said to me that I was the stronger one in our relationship and he did not know where he would have been without me and that I would go on without him and in a way he was right. I reached out to a few organisations including here at MacMillan and got some help and counselling and they did help me see that there are people I still need to be here for. My older sister who has learning difficulties and has also just come through a cancer diagnosis for a 2nd time. She had very early stage bowel cancer discovered only two months after Jay passed but unlike him, it was caught early so treatable and five years ago she also had breast cancer again caught in its early stages and treated. She is now an out patient and still under observation with the hospital. My son, his partner and my little granddaughter are all also here so for me it is as though I am the `glue` that is holding all them together but gives me a purpose and it helps me to help them and I like to come here to the forums to try and offer support for those who may just be starting out their bereavement journeys here.
Sometimes I will sit when I have done something that I am pleased with, I will sit and say to myself `did I really just do that`?? so I am making little achievements on my own. The biggest achievement I feel is that I have gone back to driving. It was one of Jays last wishes that I do that. For a number of years I had been unable to drive due to ill health myself I was constantly taking blackouts and these were/can be unpredictable and happen out of the blue so for that reason I had to stop driving. I was hospitalised several years ago for this as growing up I had epilepsy and they thought it had come back but it turned out to be something completely different and not connected to epilepsy at all and they are anxiety and stress related. Not had any of these blackouts for quite a while now so went back to my GP to find out if I could go back to driving and she gave me the OK but on the assumption if I ever felt dizzy, had really bad headaches or similar I do not get behind the wheel and just use common sense. So renewed my licence and everyday I am building confidence in getting out on the road again and honouring Jays wish of me being independent. So many other things have happened since he passed and it is just so sad that he is not here to see them happen. My son gets married this coming February so he won't see that but neither will my future daughter-in-laws mother who also sadly passed away earlier this year from stomach cancer so they will both have a parent missing for their big day but I would like to think they will both be there somewhere celebrating with us. The dark days/weeks still happen as I have posted here previously but they eventually leave and I continue to try to move on. I wish everyone here well in their journeys with moving forward. Take Care.
Vicky xx
Hey Vicky!
I was watching an old Bake Off Stand Up 2 Cancer (I have been rewatching Bake Off from series 1 as I don’t need to concentrate and it’s “fluff”).
In it they had the statistic 1 in 4 will get cancer.
This year they said 1 in 2 will.
Thats some increase in just 4 years!
We thought we were safe as I had Thyroid and node cancer back in 2017 and got away with it.
So it can’t be true my beautiful Valen had it as well, right?
As that would make it 1 in 1.
Im glad I passed my driving test in May at the urging of my beautiful Valen. (prescient of him as we did not know what would happen in September).
At the age of 65!
Because if I need to get out the home but can’t face people I can go for a drive.
I did today.
Just drove until I came to a lovely lake and went for a walk.
Then had to set satnav to get back home as had no idea where I was 
xx
Hi MrsVT
Yes thank the lord for satnavs! If i'm not sure where I am going I constantly use mine (don't like the way she shouts at me though constantly telling me for the umpteenth time when to leave a roundabout
). Yes it's good we have that and can as you say just go for a drive somewhere and stop for a coffee or something when things become a bit overwhelming at times. My only `bugbear` at the minute is using a motorway I'm still a bit nervy about using those. My son says I need to get over the fear of that. Used the motorway once when I had to go and sell our lovely static caravan just wasn't practical financially for me to keep it going on my own. I told my son to hire a van so I could take personal stuff out of it and he said well we have two cars and I said I can't drive on the motorway and he said yes you can mum and said I will be in front of you and just follow me. So I did but was a bit of a nervous wreck after it. If there is a way to get out of using a motorway and taking an alternative route I will but my son keeps at me that I need to get over it. Maybe I will make it a New Year resolution and go out during the day when hopefully the motorways are not so busy I know they are always busy but during the day and outwith rush hour times they tend to be I think a little quieter. Wishing you well moving forward and have a lovely Christmas.
Vicky x
