Heartbroken

Hi, it has also been 4 weeks to the day since I lost my amazing husband, best friend and soul mate. I am finding everyday harder than the last. Like you I just go through the motions each day. I find this forum and others a help as I know others are going through the same.

The only thing I have found that offers me some comfort is I write in a journal every night, I write it to my husband about my day , how I'm feeling and how much I miss him.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer but sending love and hugs to you xx

Thank you, I will try this and see. My husband was a wonderful listener and he was my rock and I miss him so much.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Sending hugs to you too.

I am 11 weeks today and I survive by writing a list of goals for the day and for the week.

These goals include ; get out for a walk. Eat an actual meal. Clean something. Check your emails. Check my beautiful Valen’s emails. 
If I can manage to tick at least half of the items for the day and week I feel I have got through.

My list used to include; Get dressed. Brush your hair. But I’ve managed to remove them from the list. 
I’ve now added to the weeks list to smile at someone on my walk.

The emptiness. The pain. The ache. None had got any less (sorry) but my day to day functioning has got better, easier.

Im having to learn to do things myself. 
And try not to do these things in anger that he is not here to do his “job”. 
Such as not throwing the electric mop across the room and breaking a chunk of it off as the new liquid dispenser isn’t working for some reason. 
And then discovering it uses batteries that needed changing!

I continue to prattle away at him as did before. 
I continue to call out “only me” when I get home from a walk etc. 

And coming in here.

These things help me.

Sending hugs xx

Thank you so much for replying. It is the day to day aching loneliness which is crippling me. I try to meet friends for a cuppa but I just don’t feel I’m there, it’s as if I’m watching myself from a distance going through the motions. When I go out for a walk, I’m thinking about him, talking to him and it’s like a slideshow of memories flashing before me.

Sending hugs to you too. Xx

Today, I am having a numb day. I feel completely devoid of any emotion, like a robot. I don’t think at the moment my brain can accept any more pain, and is protecting me. I can’t cry and feel a deep exhaustion. Hopefully, i will have a better day tomorrow. Sending hugs and kindness, Kate. Xxx

I am lucky that our good good friends at the cafe I go to a couple of times a week have become adept at reading my face as soon as I walk in the door. 
So I am guided to the sofa round the corner in a quiet spot near the kitchen or a table in the middle. 
My beautiful Valen worked from home and used to go in daily for lunch or just a coffee. 
They have put his picture up with his funeral service booklet above the sausage roll warmer! 
He would love that and think it hilarious and I love it to. 
They talk about him and share memories which comforts me.

Im also lucky that my 89yr old mum lives a 10 minute walk from me so I “have” to go check on her every other day. Gets me out and I have to think about someone else for a while.

Hi Kate, 

A number of day - that exactly describes it! 
To exhausted by it all. To numb to be emotional.

On those days I get up only to go sit on the sofa and next thing it’s 4 hours later that I’ve been sat staring at that spot on the wall. 
Go into the kitchen, put the kettle, an hour later stood there I might actually put it on again and make a cuppa. 
Then lie on the sofa with tv on and not watch it.

Some well meaning people tell me I should try going back to work as it will make me get up and provide structure. 
Im ultra polite when I say it’s to soon. 
Im a phlebotomist. 
Can you imagine me zoning out with a needle shoved up an arm!
Or saying “can you hold this needle in place while I cry in the corner”

Numb, not number

I have had one of those, “I don’t give a sh..” days. I can’t be bothered with anything. I did manage to make a nice sausage casserole for supper, though. Xxx