I am feeling more and more like an imposter here, as the visceral suffering I see from all of you who have been wrenched from lovely lives with soul mates and are feeling lost and bereft and completely adrift is so painful to me and I am so in awe of your suffering.
if anyone has read my profile you’ll know that my 40 year marriage wasn’t ideal. I love(d) my husband so much. But our relationship was so complicated and difficult. I even posted in The Room that I wanted him to die/be dead as I couldn’t carry on with the horror of living with him.
I was almost crazy with relief and grief when he died. I lived on adrenaline, red wine and Pringles.
Five months on and I am now consumed with guilt that I didn’t do all I could, knowing it was ‘the end’, to make his end of life the best it could be. I was angry. I was resentful and I wanted to punish him for all he’d made me suffer for god knows how many years. It’s only now that I’m thinking this. And of course, if it was that bad before I should’ve left... so...
Maybe I’m just feeling ‘stuck’ at the moment. I’m doing all the ‘sadmin’, I’m sorting out stuff, I’m reorganising the house and programming renovations. I’m finally back out in my garden trying to get back on top of two year’s of neglect.
I don’t actually know what I’m trying to say, other than it’s not easy at the moment. And this is probably the only place that I can say this. Thank you for not judging me too harshly.
Hi DaisyD22 welcome to the forum. Guilt is an interesting choice of word! You reacted as you did based on a horrible situation for you and no one would ever blame you for feeling as you did. It's OK to feel as you do but it sounds like you are stronger than you give yourself credit for by taking charge of your life again for you . Sending some huge big hugs your way.
gail
