I lost my husband of 51 years a month ago. He died in our wonderful local hospice.

Hello. I recognise and share all the emotions that you are feeling. My husband of forty years died on the 17th of June, so I’m a little more ‘used to’ this new version of life. This forum has been a source of such support for me, and I hope it will for you too. Being able to vent or chat about some of the most bizarre emotions with people who really do understand because they are experiencing similar or the same is such a comfort.

I was offered a psychologist attached to the palliative care team to talk with, and although I was sceptical beforehand, I can’t believe the good it has done/ is doing me whenever I see her. Especially for navigating the guilt and other feelings that I would not be able to explain or even voice to family or friends, we don’t have children. Perhaps this might be an option for you?

Sending you my warmest wishes. 

Thank you for replying so quickly.

I am starting bereavement counselling at the hospice next week so am hoping it will help.

Hi Sue!

As Daisy says the forum is a good place to come if you need help and advice as we all `get it`. Great that you are starting some counselling I hope it works out for you. Yes I get what you say about being busy during the day and the nights being so long it can be awful especially at this time of year with the days being so short and the nights even longer at least in the lighter nights you can go out for a walk or sit outside for a while (weather permitting). Seventeen months in it still takes me a while to get to sleep too at night and when I do I hardly feel as though I've slept I will wake about 4 in the morning or thereabouts and just now its pitch black outside at that time so you try to go back to sleep then the next minute its 8-8.30a.m. so time to get up. It's still early days for you so what you are feeling now is normal think we've all been there. I can't tell you if things will get better as people grieve differently and some get over it quicker than others or some never do or just learn to live with it. I see myself as `in the middle` just now kind of starting to accept he's gone, but at the same time still not believing it. Just keep coming here as I said when you feel the need. Whatever issues you have going on where you feel you can't approach a family member about, someone here will no doubt be able to point you in the right direction. Best Wishes to you moving forward. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thank you Vicky. It's good to hear from someone who knows how I'm feeling. I try hard to he brave for my family but it's not always possible and isn't easy. I'm so tired all the time too but apparently that's a normal reaction to grief. Any advice is gratefully received x

You're welcome Sue. 

Just take things a day at a time for now.

Vicky x

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to read all that. It's a terrible situation to be in - but I recognise exactly all the emotions which you describe.

Nothing can 'fix' any of this but, for me, I found that socialization has helped. I don't have any family to help me, and I don't have many friends - but spending time with the friends I do have has helped me, even if the effect is only temporary. So: try to keep seeing people, and try to keep active.

I have also found that bereavement counselling has been helpful, so I am pleased that you are about to start that. In my case, the counselling was mainly me talking at a trained listener, and crying a lot - but I always felt better for having done that. Exactly why it was helpful, I can't say - but I think talking aloud about what's happened must allow the brain to process the information in a different way.

My wife died just over a year ago now. I can still hardly believe it - but I know that it's true, and it's what I've got. However, even at this stage I still haven't finalized all the paperwork. Early on, when I tried that, I just collapsed in tears, and pushed it all to one side. So don't pressure yourself with that: it does need to be done, but there is not necessarily any urgency.

I send you my love, and best wishes. You are among friends here.

Thank you for your kind words of support. I'm trying to keep busy and as active as possible, taking an hour at a time. 

Friends and family help but I still have to come back to an empty house which is so hard. Hopefully I'll be able to let it all out to the counsellor on Wednesday.

SueW2 said:

I'm trying to keep busy and as active as possible, taking an hour at a time. 

Yes. An overseas friend of mine - who is in a similar position to both you and me - said he just concentrated on 'putting one foot in front of the other.' It's good advice.

It can seem very difficult at times - but we have to carry on.