The empty wallet

Well you got on this, which is amazing . I know how you feel. Absolutely. Have a good cry, let it all out and shout too.

It's not b...........y fair !!!!!!! Sit down quietly and just breathe slowly. Take your time. With everything. No panic !!!!

So sorry.

Lots of love and hugs and more hugs. Xxxxx

Early hours this morning, when decided lying next to his empty space in bed was too too much I got up and decided for some bizarre reason to sort out my handbag.

In it was his Morrisons card which I use. 
I just held it and cried over it for what seemed like hours, but was probably 10 minutes.

These are what I call our ambushes. 
Sometimes they are little things like a Morrisons card, the sound of a particular car, catching something scrolling through the tv channels. 
Or bigger things like opening the wardrobe and seeing his clothes, seeing someone in the street, a letter.

I have started to embrace these episodes and either cry or sigh or yell or all 3.
I cry in public and don’t really care what anyone thinks. 
Though I do try and find a quiet spot.
Like in the book section in Sainsbury's when the Christmas decorations were too much to bear.

In the last couple days since embracing the tears, gut wrenching sobs, angry shouts (thank goodness I have understanding neighbours 1 side and a deaf neighbour the other) I have felt the tiniest better, letting the realness in a tiny bit.

Sending you kind thoughts x

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and that you too have these moments.  Someone told me right at the very beginning, not sure if it was on here, to just cry, just let it happen, don't hold back, don't keep it in, just cry.  So far I have cried in the street, in the park, in countless coffee shops, on the train, in the bank and even hobby craft of all places.  The thing I am finding is that last week my cries actually physically hurt me, actually caused me pain, whereas I'm finding that whilst I am still in pain, my crying isn't physically hurting me any more.  Not sure if this makes any sense at all.

X 

I have also learnt that there is no point in denying the pain, as it is everywhere. I am three months in, and in some ways it is getting a little bit easier. Silly things, that you wouldn’t expect catch me out. My darling’s bus pass, his little note book where he wrote about things to be grateful for, his mobile phone which is not charging any more, his Swiss Army knife, his odd socks, his beard trimmer, his favourite Spectator mug, his love for our border collie, his words to me saying, “You are everything.”  

I still have Jay's little card pouch. It was like a little metal wallet thing that held all his cards and his driver's licence. Had an email from DVLA a while ago saying he needed to go for an eye test because he was turning 70 (he would have been 70 back in February this year). One of the people I apparently forgot to let know of his passing. So phoned them up and they expressed their condolences and told me no rush and just to send his licence in when I'm ready. It's still in the drawer. Think the wallet too has his cards for tests to operate certain machinery where he worked too CSC cards etc. Yes it's these little things you come across that you didn't know were there that just grab you when you find them. As everyone else here says don't `stifle` you tears or try to hold them back just let them out. I do now when I feel I need to and it's such a relief after it. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s been 2 years now since I lost my wife Laura. We were married for 5 weeks. We have two little boys who were 5 and 3 when Laura passed. Sadly i don’t really have ‘good days’ just some days that are easier to deal with than others but the boys keep me strong. I still have her bunch of keys hanging up in the kitchen and when I go shopping I use her store loyalty cards, I can’t bring myself to change them and seeing her name embossed on the card really hits home. I still get the odd piece of post for her too which really hurts. 
It’s particularly hard this time if the year with the little ones. Christmas shopping alone, nativity plays as a single parent etc. but you do get through it and I am so proud of the way the boys have dealt with the loss of their mum. 
You might feel you aren’t doing well but you are. Just getting on here are putting down how you feel is a big start and a realisation that you aren’t alone and we are all here for you.. complete ‘strangers’ have become my strength in these last two years. 
Sometimes it’s the smallest things that can bring back the biggest and hardest memories… a bank card, a letter through the post,  bread sauce! (That was a Laura thing at Christmas!!) but overtime the sorrow can sometimes show itself as a smile, a warm memory of a shared experience even standing in a supermarket! 
Do whatever you need to do to get through the day, cry, sleep, laugh, shop, walk whatever it is that you feel you need to do and remember you will get through this day, and the next and the next because that’s what we do. Keep things that are precious to you close and treasure the memories they give you.