I just can't breathe

You don’t come back... You just carry on, and take all the love you feel (and the pain) with you. You are not alone - especially now you’re here. My husband died on the 17th June. I can’t even begin to express how much the support of this forum has helped me. Sending you a big hug xx

Dear Realale, I'm so sorry to read your post. Your heading, that you can't breathe, really struck a chord. My husband died in April, just 6 weeks after a diagnosis that came out of the blue. I felt like I was in shock - actually, I was in shock - for weeks. And I vividly remember it felt like someone was sitting on my chest, and my lungs didn't work. In my experience, you won't come back the same, but at some point, things will get a tiny bit easier. That will be impossible to imagine right now, or for a while. I think of my husband every hour of every day, but at some point there will come a shift when you can think about some of the good times, not just the horror of watching your love die. Of course, thinking of the good times means thinking about what you have lost but I truly hope that in time, it will give you some comfort. 

Sending love and strength. x

So true Sandpiper about thinking of the good times makes you think even more of what and who you have lost. 
That you will never make any more good times and memories with our adored ones.
It feels like there will never be any more good times.

On my now routine daily walk in the woods, which centres and calms me, I went a path that gave me such very vivid memories of our coastal walk on Isle of Wight. 
For a few moments it was a really lovely memory and made me smile.
Then reality comes crushingly, breathtakingly in. He’s not here to remember with me. He won’t come on this walk with me that he would love. To tell me my shoes aren’t waterproof. 
Luckily in a wood there are plenty of places to go slightly off track to go and have a sob.

Im hoping that at some time the happy memories won’t make me cry in despair and anger that he was taken. 
We had so many amazing, wonderful, joyful times. 

Hugs to all ️

You must be in terrible shock, and a sense of complete disbelief. Sending you strength and hugs. Xxx

Thank you x

You're right, I am in complete disbelief and shock, just trying to get through hour by hour.  Had to plan his funeral yesterday, just so surreal.

Dear Realale Just to add what the others have said so well.It feels surreal for you having to plan the funeral. You just go into auto pilot and you get through it as best you can. I had good support from friends which was invaluable, as I am in France and have no family. No one of Barry's family or my sister in Scotland came to the funeral. Everyone has their reasons. Sad times for you now. We are here though !!!

Big hugs. Take care 

My husband passed on the 4th August from kidney cancer. He was diagnosed in March, and gone by August. It was savage. We cared for him at home up until the last three days, then it was St Barnabas. Then, when you are most vulnerable the rest starts. The way I approached it was to prioritise, and focus only on the things that mattered. Like registering the death and the funeral. It was so hard, my ability to concentrate, organise, look after my family, make the arrangements., contact friends. It went on and on. I made myself do it, because I wanted the day to reflect my beautiful husband and his wishes. Sending you strength and fortitude. You can do it. This forum has been a lifeline over the past months, we have each other. Kate. Xxx

Hi Realale,

I can only echo what everyone else here is saying. You come back but just in a very different way. At this minute your head will be all over the place and it will feel so surreal that you feel it's not happened and as though it has happened to someone else. As Fifi says you will be on `autopilot` for a while with arranging everything the funeral and seeing to paperwork etc. Everyone grieves differently some get over it quickly, others not so and some learn to live with it but for you, it's very early days. I am 16 months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer I feel I am still `in the middle` somewhere I have moved on very slightly I feel in that I have I think accepted that he is gone and not coming back but there are still days I still can't quite comprehend that he is gone. You will find your way eventually after everything has settled down. My best wishes to you moving forward. Take Care of yourself. 

Vicky x