And So Winter Begins .....

Dear Vicky,

I just sent you a message in the other thread and I was just about to say in that chat that this week, with the clocks going back, is especially a season of melacholy as well as mists and mellowness. These foggy days are very ghostly. I am not so religious but it is also All Soul's Day on 2nd November and All Saints Day on 1st November so it is generally a time when we think of the passage of time and of life.

Losing someone to cancer there is so much time to mediate on death itself. When my husband was told in hospital he had a month to live he rang me on Whats App video but I was in my hairdresser's having my roots dyed so I could not leave straight away as I had to wait for the dye to be rinsed off etc. Although getting my roots dyed is something I just have to do as basic maintenance the image on Whats App to my husband at that sensitive time must have looked like I was preparing for a party.

Christmas is tough - there is no way to sugarcoat it. You probably went through this pain already last year. Make sure you have lots of healthy nurtritious food in so at least you keep your strength up, sleep lots, try to get walks and fresh air, and maybe just think of little weekly rituals focused on looking good for the wedding. You are lucky you met your husband and you had your son and now granddaughter. 

Love Florence

Hello Florence.

Thank you so much for you reply. Yes today I just felt really odd, really down but I have learned how to manage bouncing back but for some reason not today. Christmas last year just came and went and my son had my sister and I over to theirs for Christmas lunch. What I thought was just sandwiches etc turned out to be a full blown dinner so that was nice I didn't need to cook anything for my sister and I and what I had in for Christmas dinner became Boxing Day dinner. My sister lives not far from me in sheltered acommodation as she had learning and mental health issues and so relies on me for a lot of things. She can be independent and go out on her own etc but things in authority she needs me for like banking paying bills etc. I also do an online shop for her she can only get so many things in on her own. She too has just come out of a cancer diagnosis. After Jay passed two months later Margaret (my sister) got a bowel cancer diagnosis. She had been very breathless for weeks and people said she looked as though she had lost a lot of weight which with her build she could ill afford to do and she was also very anaemic. She went into hospital last October and got her tumour cut out which was thankfully very small so there was no need for post chemo or radiotherapy treatment. She has gone on to make a good recovery and is now under continuous observation with her specialist. 

My future daughter in law also lost her mother to cancer earlier this year so it has been quite a time and my son and partner lost a baby last March (2023) my son's partner was in the very early stages of pregnancy and she miscarried. 

Sometimes I will sit and think that things are not so bad and that I have managed to do a lot without Jay and I sometimes look around and say to myself that I am fortunate in a lot of ways. I try to stay as active as possible and try to fill my day best I can I have gone back to the gym Jay and I used to do that together and the girls on the desk were so pleased to see me back and I'm on `grandma duty` a lot mostly weekends as my son sometimes  gets overtime then and Saturdays are a regular shift for his partner and then as I said I help my sister in between with hospital visits etc and I have a little dog who needs walked and fed so I do still have a purpose but still have that empty feeling. As you say, I think it is just this time of year and that the year is coming to a close with only another two months to go and this is the time we reflect on that year. Hopefully I will be able to shake myself and things will get better again soon. Thank you so much for your reply. 

Vicky x

Hello my little Scottish person ! Just to cheer you up I hope. Horrible time of the year. Hate when the clocks go back, feel most disoriented. Missy, my little cat feels it too I am sure and cuddles up on the bed each time. A source of comfort for us both. Was at the cemetery yesterday with a friend. This is the period of Toussaint in France, and the place is covered in chrysanthemums. All forced colours, which Barry hated ! So put on some heather instead. Pretty.  Just to say, I was thinking of you.

Big hugs 

Hello To You too My fellow Scottish Person!

Yes just feeling very down at the minute no incentive to do anything or go anywhere etc, but I plod on. I know things will pick up as I said in one of my other posts I have little spells of this and they pass but I just think it is the time of year as I said the shorter days and longer darker nights. The irony is I come on here trying to give support to other people who are all going through the same thing just need to take some of my own advice. Lovely to hear from you Fifi and thank you for thinking of me. I caught those `big hugs` you sent too. Yes I think the animals feel it at this time of the year too. My wee `Jack` was very restless last night. Like your wee Missy he needs to be sleeping on my bed he has his own but prefers mine. Last night he was up and down off and on the bed like a `jo jo`. My bed is quite high off the floor and he can usually jump up by himself but his little legs are getting on I think and sometimes I need to lift him as he `paws` at the side of the bed constantly to get up. I switch the lights on now between 4 and 5 in the afternoon and he thinks its time to go out my last walk of the day for him is 9p.m. so he too will be all disorientated because it gets dark so early just now. Thank you so much for thinking about me Fifi and I managed to catch those `big hugs` you sent. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Night night 

Missy and I are all curled up on the sofa x

Dear Vicky,

Yes, I too have my son's beautiful little dog - a springer spaniel - with me most of the time that he is at work, as I work from home, so that, as you says, keeps us active.

Glad to hear you are back at the gym. Through my husband's four months in hospital I also kept going to classes at the gym such as yoga and pilates as that kept him happy. As a dancer yoga and pilates were close to his heart. So it was easy to keep going to those after he passed even though I was doing almost no other socialising. I slipped a bit during October but fingers crossed I will make a good effort again for the last two months of 2024.

My son's an actor (a performer like his dad) so I've still being going to his performances and shortly after my husband's death I was in the front row  of one of his opera productions when two seats down was a doctor who had been on my husband's oncology team. I didn't recognise him at first but he introduced himseld saying, 'you are a doctor at UCH?'. I guess I was there so often and up and down on the lift so often to the 13th floor that everyone took me for a doctor there. The workers in the canteen started giving me a staff discount on coffees, lunches etc which brought a wry smile to my husband's face.

You are playing such an extraordinary, important and loving role for your sister and it is so lovely that your son treated you both to a Christmas Dinner last year, given all he was going through himself.You and your husband brought up a lovely man.

I understand the profound loss we’re all experiencing—this will be my first Christmas since my husband’s passing—but I’m aiming to be consistent with the basics: sleeping and eating well, good routines, and exercise, so at least I know any pain I am experiencing is connected to my husband and our love not to my own bad habits. More than ever, I want the great love I felt for him to show itself positively in all I do. Lots of little things happen that make me realize he is still very present in my life. A few weeks ago, I faced an unforeseen business expense—not for anything too essential, but it still had me feeling sorry for myself. So, I asked my beautiful guardian angel for help, and that very day, out of the blue, a client paid much more, and two weeks earlier, than we’d agreed, and the matter was sorted. My husband and I did everything 50/50 from the day we met, so I don’t expect him to solve every issue that comes along—but I know he’s still there, doing his 50%, just as he always did.

When we met, he was only 21, and I was 27. He was 24 when our son was born, at Christmas. My husband came to the hospital to take us home after a big Christmas show he’d been performing in, (one of those massise Christmas Corporate Events they had back in the 20th century!) so we left the hospital with this newborn baby around midnight. I remember him coming into the ward—this beautiful dancer, so vibrant after performing—swinging the car seat he’d brought to his so he could come straight from his show to collect us.

Well those are my thoughts of the day Vicky! Thank you so much for your time and words in your kind reply.

Florence xx

Just beautiful Florence.

I echo your words about doing positive. 
Not yet. Too soon. Too raw.

But I’m starting at Christmas with helping our local cafe who open on Christmas Day for those alone on the day. 
We always went on Christmas Eve to peel spuds and sprouts. 
I’ll still do that, but this year I’m going on Christmas Day as well to help serve.

He was so kind. Generous with his time and advice. Listened to people, I mean really listened. Supported local businesses and local farmers markets.

I want to honour him and emulate him.

hugs to all x

Hello Florence

Thank you once again for your reply. Yes I get that the people at the hospital may begin to think you are an employee there because you are there so often. I used to get taxi's to the hospital and it seemed to be at the same time everyday and the drivers used to think I was going to work and then when I told them I don't think they knew what to say. I have gone back to driving again i wasn't able to for many years because of illness myself but it was one of Jay's last wishes that I go back to it and was able to have my independence so even in his final days he was still making sure I would be ok. So, I went to see my GP and she ok'd everything and I was able to re-apply for my licence. It is like 2nd nature to me all over again and I build confidence everytime I go out in the car. We bought our car just months before Jay became ill for the 2nd time we had it out on contract hire but liked it and decided to buy it at the end of the contract so it's something I can say is mine (as well as my house) and I am doing my best to look after it for him as it was his pride and joy. Jay was a good bit older that I was I met him too when I was 21 and at the time he was fibbing and told me he was 25 but was actually nearly 30 - a 9 year difference I got to find this out when one of his friends let it slip and when I confronted him about it he said it was true but thought I wouldn't go out with him thinking he was too old for me but as they say `age is just a number` I have a cousin who is married to someone 14 years older than her so there you go. 

I just didn't like him- or fancy him at all at the beginning but you know you get that feeling sometimes when something just `clicks` I think that's what happened with us and we ended up together for 40 years. Had our ups and downs as most couples do and the arguments were `belters` but always made up in the end. 

I feel slightly better from the last time I posted here as I say I do get these little spells from time to time and they pass but I think it is just going into winter that makes it more prominent with the horrible dull and miserable days and the even longer darker nights. Lovely to hear from you again. Florence please take care and my best wishes to you moving forward.

Vicky x