Ambushed again

I was the same as you, with Bake Off, always the next day! 

I could almost hear my husband laughing at me, the first time I watched it. And could hear him saying 'oi cheeky , just coz I'm not there' 

And it is better than watching Wheeler Dealers lol

I hope you can enjoy it more next week.

Love and hugs xx

I have tried to focus on the present today. I got loads done. Mobility scooter collected, library to take copy of marriage certificate for pension people, did a shop, walked dog, etc. I got home this evening and our daughter is sobbing in bed, as a picture of Dad came up on her phone. I WILL NOT CRY TODAY. Ambushed by a mobile. 

Just popped my husbands coat on to bring the bin in...... never done that before.

Ambushed by a coat

Had a tummy ache today. 
Probably the rubbish I’m shoving down my throat. 
Im sure a packet of wine gums or a multi pack of orange Club isn’t a meal, but you eat what you can.

Anyway, tummy ache. 
Husband used to rub my belly saying “let it out. Go on. Either end” . 
No belly rub from him. Made it worse.

Ambushed by a flipping belly ache.

Me again.

So I went out for a meal with 2 of my very closest friends. 
We talked about life, death and Valen. 
We have wonderful tangential conversations. 
We laughed and cried.

Then we went to our mutual close friends art exhibition.

Everything was good till I stood in front of one of her black and white paintings of bulrushes in the wind called “Resilience”. 
I got lost in it and realised when I felt arms round me that I had stood there crying.

Then home to a still empty house, like I should expect anything else now. 
He would have damn loved that exhibition. 
I could see him standing there with a glass of red wine in hand, hanging back, taking it all in and at the end of the night he would have quietly bought a picture to support out friend.

I stood in our hallway and just cried and cried and cried. 
I felt so disloyal having gone out and had fun (apart from the crying at the gallery) without him. 
I know he wouldn’t want me to mope at home. In fact he specifically told me not to! 
I know life goes on, so they say. But in a jagged, disfunctional, suddenly crippling way.

I think I’m going to try and put to paint tonight’s ambush.

Hugs to you all xx

You are right. The grief is crippling and overwhelming.Only people that have experienced the devastation, pain and loss truly understand. The suffering is so intense. I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. Sending hugs. Xxx

I am sitting here with our chiming clock in front of me to change the time.

I have just spent 20 minutes sobbing.

It was one of the videos my beautiful Valen was going to make as it’s complicated to do. 
But he was snatched from me before he could do it. 
Not sure I could have watched it yet anyway as I can’t watch again the ones he has made. 
My poor, poor darling man had deteriorated so rapidly it’s devastating seeing it again and again and again.

Like replaying his sudden passing in front of me. Again and again and again.

Im desperate to stop doing this. 
To stop thinking about how much he must have been suffering both physically and mentally, quietly and with dignity. 
To stop thinking about how this wonderful, kind, generous loved man was sapped of energy. 
To stop thinking about how much stress this patient husband of mine was forced to endure chasing up his treatment. 
To stop feeling guilty about how my own cancer 8 years ago was such an easy ride, and we expected his to be as easy. 
To stop feeling guilty and uncaring if I grab a few hours out with my girlfriends.

I still can’t believe he has gone. Despite typing this with his casket right in front of me. 
I can’t believe he is in there. 
To, to real.

I was about to apologise, but of course I dont need to here. 

Damn clock changes 

No, you don’t need to apologise for anything. It is twelve weeks exactly since my darling husband passed. I had an early night, as I could feel the sadness welling up. My approach after his death was to go with whatever I was feeling. I didn’t have a choice. We went through this horror with our husband’s, so we know the truth. It is a living hell, savage and brutal. I was shocked by the intensity and unpredictability of my emotions. I shut down and didn’t want to see anyone for about six weeks. We lived on takeaways or stuff in the freezer. Apparently, it takes time for the brain to process the trauma and that is why it still feels unreal. Sending you hugs and cuddles. Xxx

I still have my husband Jay's ashes 16 months in. Gives me a little comfort to see them in the Union Jack urn I got to put them in with his picture at the side. As you say hard to imagine that that is them in that wee urn. I am Scottish but the Union Jack urn represents the colours of his beloved Glasgow Rangers football team when I showed it to my son he was thrilled and said his dad would have loved that. I just do not know what to do with his ashes so they just sit there a little bit of comfort for me too I suppose keeping his memory alive. Yes it is hard to imagine what they became from what they were. Jay was a `big bear` of a man with an even bigger presence one of those people `you hear them before you see them` had this big booming voice and would speak to anyone even sitting talking to you he would `shout` and I would tell him to bring it down a decibel as I was only sitting right next to him. This is the time of year I will miss him most now the clocks have changed and it's offically winter with the shorter days and longer nights. Used to love this time of year cosying up in our pyjamas watching rubbish TV getting ready for Christmas he would have his Christmas dinner arrangements planned weeks ahead what he would be making and what he had to buy in. Cooked for an army although there would only be three of us me, him and my sister. Cooking was his passion though. My best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky xx

Oh Sad1!

Wheeler Dealers, Counting Cars, American Choppers, Rick Stien, Gordon Ramsey the list goes on. Jay was your proverbial couch potato and liked nothing better than to `channel hop` used to get right on my nerves. TV would be on 24/7 and he would watch `bits of a programme` before deciding he wanted to watch something else. You would be getting into `Pawn Stars` (Rick Harris, Cody & Chumlee) and then it would be `oh I've seen that one` and would change it to something else. He was a terrible one for just watching things over and over again something he maybe saw two days before and if I said he would take the huff with you. The TV is hardly on now with me. It's off for most of the day and the house is so quiet. I usually put it on at teatime and watch night time TV. I like the quiet but sometimes it can be deafening now. Best Wishes. 

Vicky xx