Three years on

I'm sending hugs your way.  Thank you for sharing your feelings.  For those of us who have read about grief, we know that there are no timescales, but I think we worry about what the people around us will think.  Do you wonder if there is a friend or family member who might want to talk about Dave, but they are afraid of upsetting you?  Either way you're always welcome to share your thoughts here.  My thoughts are with you.

Thanks for your reply. We do talk about Dave  all of the time but in an upbea, positive  way. It’s just the hurt and pain of missing him that I hide from most people now. Partly to protect them but also because I think only someone that has lost their husband/wife/partner really gets it. As much as people try to empathise and think they’re saying the right things they’re just not. I cringe now when I think of some of the things I said before I was in this situation.l and that’s why this forum is so good. We’re all in the same boat. 

Just get it totally. I am sitting here at night  and  now going to bed and I toss and turn.  God awful. Tomorrow is another day I suppose. Lots of love 

Fifi. Xx thanks for this forum.

Hi Jillybean!

Totally get what you are feeling. I'm only 16 months in from losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer and as you say it's the `emptiness` you feel. Some days I still can't comprehend he is gone. I have had some very vivid dreams about him recently and they feel so real and then I wake up and realise that's all it was- a dream. Yes I am like you too so much I want to do but just feel the incentive is still not there to do it. We always done or decided to do things as a couple and now its just me and the decisions are mine alone. I am the same going to bed at night I'll toss and turn for a while and still finding it hard that the bed is just `mine` now and not ours. The arguments we used to have about who is taking up most of the bed or the duvet seem so long ago now and now I can sprawl out to my heart's content but it's not. I've gone back to driving again from a long absence from it due to illness myself. It was Jay's wish I go back to it before he passed so I could have my independence so on the OK of the GP I was allowed but some days I am driving along and just can't grasp that I am actually driving our car when it was down to him at one point to do all the driving. Yes coming home to an empty house is another thing. I have a little dog he has become quite the little companion for me. He is a Border Terrier and was Jay's Christmas present from my son William and I 11 years ago. I asked to take him into hospital when Jay was in his final days and they allowed it but unfortunately the weekend I arranged to take him in Jay passed so never got to see him before he went. I have my little granddaughter to look after now and again and she is a joy. She starts school next year and my son and his partner get married in February next year (2025) so two things Jay wanted to see happen but won't as cancer had other ideas for him. My future daughter-in-law also lost her mother to cancer back in April this year so they both won't have a parent present at their wedding but they will be there somewhere `joining in`. I've gone back to the gym again Jay and I were doing this together to combat his type 2 diabetes before covid came along and then his cancer diagnosis which he fought for almost 2 years finally taking him in June last year (2023). You try to do as much as possible and try to stay active and occupied but at the end of the day as you say it's that empty feeling. My best wishes to you moving forward.

Vicky x

Hi Vicky

So many of the things you mention mirror my situation. My little buddy is a shih tzu/border cross. He’s 12 and although he was a great walker in years gone by he’s really slowed down over the last few months. - hoping the vet can give him something to help. daughter should have been married in 2020 but due to Covid it was cancelled. By the time it could be rebooked in 2022 we had already lost Dave. I can’t  pretend it was easy as Dave’s one wish was to survive long enough to be at the wedding, but despite some sad moments it was a wonderful day. I hope you manage to find some joy in your son’s special day.

Im so pleased for you that you are able to drive - I know sometimes the car can be another lonely place but at least it gives you a means to get out when you need to.

I’ve also just rejoined the gym - hopefully it’ll help release some endorphins so we can at least feel better for a little while. 
Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do 

Jillian 

I 100% get how you are feeling.  It's 3.5 years since Nic died and, like you say, looking in everything seems ok but it isn't.  I've been thinking lately that I'm really not living the life that I want, but at the same time I don't know what that is.  So I plod on doing the same old things. 

Take care.

"As Voltaire, the French writer said " I am going to be happy because it is good for my health "  Thank you for that! I am grieving the loss of my son from stomach cancer 3 years and eight months ago, and that helped me. Our loved ones would not have wanted to make us unhappy.