Struggling to cope several years on !

You're not `rambling` you're just on here saying and writing down what you feel which is what these forums are for and as you say, you feel you can't talk to family or friends how you are feeling so this is the place to come although many of us wish we didn't need to be here sometimes. I  am 14 months on from losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer. He fought it for two years eventually passing on 23rd June last year. He got it cut out in January 2022 and the more or less told him that was it and they got it all or thought they did. Five months on it was back with a vengeance and this time wasn't leaving without him. He was put back on chemo which made him very ill to the extent it caused kidney damage and had to end up being withdrawn completely. Four bouts of sepsis came along after that and it was on the 4th one along with his advancing cancer that finally took him last June. I still have his ashes here. I used to think that was quite `creepy` for people to do that but now I do get it. Just keep talking to your dear wife if you find a comfort in that we all go through grief differently. Fourteen months on and it is just hitting me now. I couldn't grieve for him at the beginning I couldn't cry which I thought wasn't normal but recently I have been having little outbursts of crying and now realising this is it happening it's as though I have been waiting for it to happen and never would but now is. I feel like it's a release for me now and I feel that bit better once I've got it all out. I wish you well moving forward. Take Care. 

Vicky.

• Hi Paul, like you I am coming up three years since my beautiful wife left and nothing has changed, I did have some of her ashes interred in the family plot with her mum and dad and some at sea with some of her mums off the coast of brid which they both loved, but I kept some which I kiss goodnight every night and good morning every morning and also when I go out and return home,I also have to watch videos of her every morning before I can go about my day this will never change ever ,I have moved to a different city because living in our house was too painful and I am alone but I don't crave company or relationships I just want to be with the one person who made my life worth living ,she is the only one I need and always will be  .that's how I am and I am OK if the rest of my life is the same because Lynne was my life. As long as we are here they will never be forgotten,            best wishes  terry 

I have just passed the 1 year Anniversary and i feel like you do, I just want to be with the one person that was my life and reason for living, and the only person i need now and always will need.  I to have some of my husbands ashes next to me, but i scattered most of them where he had asked me to, and some i want to take to a place that meant so much to both of us. I cannot see a future for me just a black tunnel with no light at the end. Take care.

Well i have not been on here, for a couple of years.

I was always here, when i lost my hubby, and i would not have got threw that time, with out this group.

Though for what ever reason, thought i would take, a look today, and have just read, a few threads.

I had to reply, i am coming up to five years on the 8th October, i cannot believe it.

I struggle more now than at the start,  I cry more now, than I ever did.

So many problems have occurred within the house, things I have never had to deal with before, that was  hubbies, domain.

I to just want a cuddle, he made e laugh every day, I miss that so much, I0 do not laugh now, some thing so simple, is missed so much.

As others say, I am not lonely, though alone, and not a good feeling.

I still have his ashes here, and always say Night and tell him I need him, I miss him, makes me fill better for talking to him.

I am glad I popped back in today, as I now know I am not alone, after nearly five years.

He was the other half of me, really I do not know, who I am with out him.

Ellie 

Hi Ellie,

I am over 7 years in, and although I guess I'm doing ok, there is always a feeling of something! I don't quite know what to call it, a sense of not being part of a pair, of not 'belonging' somehow.

I totally understand about when things go wrong! There again, I am dealing with things, and it normally turns out ok, but things like having my boiler serviced yesterday by a trainee ( under supervision!) throws me into a state quite easily, especially when I had to get them back as he'd not finished the job properly!

I wonder if there's something about accepting how we feel? Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard to live this new life 'successfully'. I often feel like I don't really know what I'm doing ! I've learned how to go out for lunch on my own ( not too bad actually), and have got a senior Railcard and have started having some days out ( again, I quite enjoy it), so what is this feeling, I don't know!

Sorry, I've been rambling, but like others have said, after all this time, it's hard to talk to other people about it. I agree with you, it's the 'not knowing who you are' that's a puzzle!

Sending a virtual hug anyway x

Hi I remember you from this group.

I understand every thing you say,.

Good for you for getting a rail card, I would if I could., though I was diagnosed before  hubby, and stall fighting, though struggling a lot more now, and if he was here, i might just fill a little bit me.

I know what you mean regarding jobs being, done I had a water pipe go under the house, I have to ask questions every five mins, to know and try and understand what they are doing.

Was never bothered before, that was his department, now everything is mine, I do not like that.

I am pleased i popped in today, as you say others do not understand, how we may fill at times.

My grown up children do not really understand, they do not know where I am coming from, they miss their dad, but for me, and others that have lost  heir other half, completely different scenario.

You take care  x

Thank you everyone who has taken time to reply & explain your own situations, how your feeling, etc.. It really helps to hear your comments, as it stops me feeling like I need isolation. This past weekend I found incredibly difficult, don't know why, but I shed a lot of tears which I haven't done for a little while. Sharon & I only got 6 years together, but in that time she gave me more happiness & love than I'd known in the previous 58 years ! Sometimes now I feel angry that we were not allowed more time to enjoy our love & happiness for longer. I do know that I will never find another Sharon, which is all I want in life ! 

Thanks again & best wishes to you all

Paul

Hi, I'm 3.5 years in and often feel like it's day one.  Lots has been done in the house and I've cleared out almost a house full of furniture, clothes and other stuff.  I still feel lost and lonely most if the time despite a lot of good support from friends and family.  I've gone back to work part time and when things happen or are discussed I sit in the car on the way home and think "ooh, I must tell Nic about that".  Then realise again that he's not here.  This is such a hard journey and even when I make progress, it doesn't feel like it at all.

Nic is buried in the village church yard, but I hardly ever visit him as it's too difficult.  I know that friends visit him more than I do.

Hopefully we'll all reach a day when things look brighter.

Take care.

Hi Ellie!

Your relationship sounds so much like mine was with my husband. Like the rest of you I like the `solitude` of being alone I have always like my own company and it suits me not having to have anyone to answer to. I have many people say to me `you should do this` or `try that` and I will and I will when I feel I am ready to if I am. It's still taking time to navigate life on my own after having someone at my side for 40 years. Sometimes I will think there are things that I want to do but it should be a `joint decision` and then I realise no it's just me making those decisions now. 

Ellie there are a few things I have managed to do which were Jay's (my husband) `department` and I have been quite pleased with myself. I painted our whole back garden fence a few weeks ago on one of the rare sunny dry days we get in Scotland in the summer well took 2 and half days given it started raining again so I had to just get it done when the rain stopped but I did it and I was really pleased with the outcome. I've got the car through it's MOT and I am about to hopefully get it through it's second without him next week. These are all things he would take charge of but I managed. I still wonder at times if I am making the right decisions on things and if I fail well, as they say it's a learning curve. 

Yes it's the little things you miss as you said things like walking along the road holding hands. winding each other up and taking the p*** out of one another which we would do a lot but all in good fun. He made me laugh too he'd just say something really stupid or something off the cuff and I would be away in fits of laughter. Something I haven't done in a long time. I'm just 14 months in from losing him to bowel cancer last June (2023) and it is hitting me now. I have been having small outburst of crying but know this is what it is because in the beginning I thought it not normal that I couldn't cry or grieve properly for him and now it's like it's a release and finally happening. I feel I still have a little way to go in respects of that but hopefully i'll get there. I fret a bit as well with regards to `house repairs` etc. So much we planned to get done but those plans have just all but fallen through. Hopefully I'll get there someday though. 

Vicky x

Hi Northernlass!

With you on everything you have said, Sometimes I just feel `empty` even with people around you still get that `empty` feeling and when you go out you come to realise that you are returning to an empty house. Things like that too having to have workmen come into your house scares me slightly I felt a bit of `security` there when Jay was here but now it's always at the back of mind something will go wrong and i'll not know how to put it right. But luckily (touch wood) everything has been fine there. It's always at the back of my mind to that I will end up getting `ripped off` by something or someone I always had Jay here to ask what he thought and the two of us would sit down and look at all the pro's and con's of something and be able to decide together whether to have this or that done. Now though, I'm scared to take on any big projects incase it goes pear-shaped and there are so many `cowboy` tradesmen out there. So at the moment I just go by the saying `If in doubt, don't` 

Yes you do get that feeling as well as you `don't belong` in a situation. Where you were once part of a couple you don't know what you are now. Just a `singleton` I suppose. I have my older sister who lives not far from me within walking distance. She has learning difficulties and lives in sheltered acommodation there is a live-in warden in her complex and she has the alarm call system in her flat also so I know she is safe and I can be contacted if need be. She is independent to an extent and can go out on her own but needs help with things in authority like banking paying bills etc so that all falls to me. 

Yes it's hard. You see people getting on and going about their normal lives and just wish you could do what they're doing. Maybe one day hopefully it will happen.