I'm Looking Around

I am at 19 months and haven't done anything. Still got husband's trainers under a chair in bedroom but all fine for now to keep

For me 32 years nearly 33 together.Sounds like you have turned a corner.

So adelante, as they say in Spain.

I live in Barcelona.

We only live once and whatever we do we take our partners with us

Hi, WDJ

I am very much with you on this.  I am just over three years in and feel that I have mostly accepted what has happened and that I have to move on.

I have made some changes to material things.  I moved on some furniture in our bedroom and have turned the bed around.  It sounds simple, but has made a lot of difference to how I live and feel about things.  It has been decorated and is now my private space.  It's how I want it and it is lovely.

I also have an issue with the dining table.  Who would have thought it?  But, it was one of the first pieces of furniture that Nic and I bought when we moved into this house, our first and only home together.  It's far too big, I rarely use it and I need to move it on.  Nic was the cook in our home and we used to eat at it every day so I'm holding onto it for now, but it doesn't serve a purpose any more.  I think a family will make much more use out of it.

It is so difficult to change things that you were both used to but, as you say, you need to move on at some point and if getting rid of things is needed then so be it.  I've had sleepless nights about the multitude of things I've donated, sold, etc, but I have to move on and live my life the best I can.

Sorry for the long message, but hopefully others will gain some comfort from how they are feeling about things.

Big hugs to you all.

Hello there 

I get it ! But it is so difficult . I am a bit of a hoarder too, so that doesn't help this issue at all. I have done, for me that is , quite a bit of clearing out things but some things I don't think I will ever give up. I find, anyway, they give me comfort right now. I have lovely furniture that goes back to my parents and my grandmother, and it suits this old house in the Dordogne. Old beams, brick walls and wooden floors, no carpets. We both liked that when we first came here 24 years ago. What I really need to do is have the whole place painted white. With a wood fire, the walls are looked ng pretty grotty ! That is one of my next projects !

Anyway, it sounds like you are already in the force of change, it probably is right now for you to do it. I wish you luck.

Nearly at the second year too. Pretty awful isn't it . Found this year much different from the first one ? 

Hold on. 

Hugs.

Hi There All!

Just been reading your posts. I thought I was bad only 10 months in holding on to some of my hubby's stuff but there you go you are all a couple of years in and still have stuff. I have been gradually getting rid of his clothes and got rid of some clutter from his `man drawers` he was such a hoarder always buying stuff which seemed a good idea at the time only to get thrown in a drawer and forgotten about when the notion would wear off. Found numerous stanley knives, nuts n bolts, mobile phones, keys for what I don't know and screwdrivers etc  and still finding a lot of his stoma equipment I had to get rid of all that when he passed atI first but still find the odd one here and there. I had a look in our shed the other day just don't know where to start with that just wondering what `treasures` I'll come across in there. As it gets nearer the first anniversary I think the more anxious and stressed I am getting. What do you do after that? start wondering what happens next or in years to come? Take care everyone. My best wishes to you all on this horrible journey we face. 

Vicky xx

Hi PattyK.  I totally get what you are saying about the shed.  I found lots of "treasures" when I went through the garage, including multiples of many things.  Nic never checked if he already had something, just bought things when he needed them.  So among the multiples were over 80 screwdrivers, 30 pairs of pliers, five toolbags and so many power tools.  It was quite a job to sort through it all.  I hope you don't have such a challenge when you decide to tackle the shed.

I found year one awful, year two different and a bit less awful.  I came through the fog of grief during year three and I continue to make progress with making my life my own on my own.

It takes as long as it takes to get through this awful journey so please don't put any pressure on yourself to do things the "right" way.  There is just your way and you will find a way through.

Take care.

Hi nicsmrs!

Yeah I think it is a `man thing` having to have all these screwdrivers, stanley knives etc. Jay was the exact same never checked if he already had what he needed and just went out and bought new. I've discovered I don't know how many hand saws in the shed and two or three spirit levels etc. There is a cordless drill which I have no idea how to work maybe my son William can take that or show me how it works always handy to know I found two disposable barbecues still in the wrapper so might use them just not barbecue weather just yet though I think even though the sun is out but everything else is in a heap stuff just piled on top of each other. I'll get there with it though don't know when but eventually will. 

xx

Hi Fifinet

We've interacted   a few  times on here and I  always knew you were in France but not where. My dad is in the Charente so not too far away from you. Lovely area. Can’t wait to come over there in July for a couple of weeks. 

Hi Vicky. I’m 2 years and six months in. All I can say is there are no rules. You have to just do whatever feels right for you. I’ve gradually donated or sold (there was valuable musical equipment that my hubby made me promise to sell to get some money on the bank ) quite a few things but I still have lots of little reminders. Dave’s slippers next to the bed, his toothbrush in the pot. I know some visitors might find it weird but to be honest I don’t care. I’m doing what works for me to be able to keep going 
Sone days are good and some are not so good. I have a very busy life  -5 little grandchildren; a walking group( I joined  a year after Dave died) and I still work but even with all of that I still have days when I literally ache for him. Today being one of them. I want to just snuggle into his arms and breathe him in. 
one thing I will say is that I find the run ups to the anniversary worse than the actual days but as I said - juts do whatever works for you. Some people want to be with others some want to be on their own with memories.  Just do you. And when you need to talk to others who understand there’s always someone here to listen 

Take care of yourself

J

Hello there 

Good to hear from you. Yes I am in the Dordogne, near Sarlat. Keep me posted, and we might meet up. Who knows ? 

Keep strong 

Hugs 

Thank you Jillybean,

Yes today or this week even, has not been good for me. I get what I call my `stuck` weeks where I just do not want to go anywhere or do anything and just don't have the incentive to do anything. It is coming up to Jay's first anniversary of passing on 23rd June and as it gets nearer the more down and anxious I am beginning to feel. I try to keep myself busy I too have a little granddaughter and get roped in frequently to look after her. Started driving again so I can get out and about. It was Jay's wish that I start it again for my independence before he passed I had not been able to drive for quite a few years due to illness myself but I'm slowly building confidence on that. I had to get the ok from the GP though before I started again as part of my illness meant I could take blackouts but for some reason these now are very few and far between if at all so I got the ok from the GP on the understanding that if I feel ill, dizzy etc to just use common sense and not get behind the wheel.  I too have began to start to get rid of his stuff mostly clothes he was a terrible one for me buying him clothes and they would just pile up in the wardrobe. Stuff brand new still in the wrappers with labels so I have been selling them online to generate a wee bit cash for myself. I have kept some of his things back too. I kept a few of his T shirts I use them for PJ tops as they are nice and long he was a big chap so a lot of his stuff was 4-5XL. 

I have started to go back to the gym again at our local sports centre. We did that together. Just before Jay got his bowel cancer diagnosis he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes so we worked on that getting his weight down and adopting healthy eating plans but then of course covid happened so everything closed down. It was at the end of 2020 his cancer symptoms surfaced and he went in on January 2022 to get the tumour cut out after getting bowel op where he needed a permanent stoma bag. They got it all but it came back for him 5 months later in May 2022 and this time wasn't leaving without him. 

The irony is, that my dad passed away from lung cancer and COPD 12 years ago this coming Tuesday (30th April). He looked after my older sister who lives in sheltered housing not far from where I am within walking distance. She has mild learning difficulties and she too has beat cancer twice. She had breast cancer 5 years ago and two months after Jay passed she got a diagnosis of bowel cancer. She had been very breathless and pale and had lost a bit of weight (which she can't afford to do) so she was taken in on October last year and had her tumour which was luckily very small cut out and she is doing well recovery wise. 

My son's partner just lost her mother two weeks ago from cancer also. At first they ruled it out and she was in hospital being treated for a blockage in her stomach and fluid build up but when they did more tests because the fluid was taking time to drain, they finally diagnosed cancer but it was at the stage that nothing could be done so she just had to be made comfortable and eventually her kidneys began shutting down so when that happens nothing else can be done this is how Jay went as well. I am putting down how I am feeling as a combination of all this happening just now. Thanks for your reply. Take Care. 

Vicky x