Feeling numb.

• I have Also just come on here for some support, I lost my mum (59) this time last week and I also feel lost, I am heartbroken, she was my everything, I cared her for her throughout cancer and even went on a years career break to do so. So she was literally my everyday life, my mum died on Sunday and then my grandad died on the Wednesday so within 3 days of each (also cancer), I think my brain said "nope!" And since I am also numb, so I would think this is what is a stage of what we are going through. Why is the world so cruel?! I'm sorry for your loss....and I'm sorry this isn't really any help to you....just a similar reach out....maybe to say there probably is a lot of us out there that feels similar? So although you feel alone, you are not and maybe you might find some solace in that? I don't know, my head not quite on right yet.....

Hi Sarah, firstly sorry for your loss. Like you i lost my husband 8 months ago, and also like you he was my soulmate and my everything, we did virtually everything together, and now i am lost. As to does it get any easier, not really, i cry less, but the pain is still so unbearable, and i still do  not accept he is not coming home. One piece of advice i would give you, is unless you have to move, don't. You may regret it further down the line. The day my husband died at home, all i wanted to do was walk out of the front door and never come back, but now my house, although no longer a home without my husband in it, is my safety blanket.

Yunapixie, i also lost my Father, Grandfather and Mother all within 6 months of each other, and a Grandmother 17 months later, and also my sister to cancer in 2008. And although i was only in my teens when i lost them and i am now in my sixties it never leaves you, It was a lovely thing to look after your Mother and i am  sure you appreciated every day you had with her. Take care of yourselves

Oh bless you, I lost my husband in January to panreatic cancer and he was also in his mid fiftys. I am 46 and feeling lost and numb.

I am more than happy to chat to you as I have no one who has expierenced the loss of a partner.

I have signed up to a forum for young widows which is called way

1. Karen 

Hi Sarah!

So sorry for your loss! I am almost nine months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. Like you and others here he was my soulmate and best friend and we just about done everything together too and like you I am totally lost without him. We were together for 40 years and to suddenly lose your life partner like that is definitely a shock to the system. Some days like you too I find it hard to believe that I am a widow. Some days I am scared of what the future will bring for me and I just see the years stretching out in front of me and wondering if `this is it` is this all I have to look forward to now being on my own. The days just seem to morph into each other now and somedays I forget what day it actually is. I do try to keep busy though. My son lives not far from me with his partner and little girl so I get roped into babysitting duties a lot. My husband was 69 when he passed last June (2023) so didn't see his 70th birthday which would have been last month. Had a few `firsts` since then this is something you will experience. My first winter without him my first Christmas his first birthday I missed without him and Valentines day. Still a few firsts to come I think but I'll get through them like I have the rest. 

I think what made it worst for me was that he had actually gone into remission in January 2022 after getting his tumour cut out and the surgical team were convinced they got it all but five months later when he had a consultation with his surgeon she took some bloods from him and these had come back that his CEA markers had risen and he had to go back for another CT which then confirmed the cancer had come back. So that led to more chemotherapy which in the end made him very ill and caused kidney damage so had to be withdrawn completely. He needed a double nephrostomy procedure to help his kidneys drain and had to wear a catheter it was all so undignified for him. Numerous bouts of sepsis followed and this resulted in him having to be admitted to hospital regularly almost monthly. Then in June last year he got his 4th bout of sepsis and I think this along with the advanced cancer his body just gave up. He took just about everything they could throw at him to fight this. 

Two months after he passed my older sister got the same diagnosis of bowel cancer but she is fine now and they got all hers too and in complete contrast to my husband she is doing really well and recovering satisfactorily so it's all a bit `bittersweet` for me. She has learning difficulties too and I am her carer she lives within walking distance from me though in sheltered accomodation and there is an onsite warden who lives in the complex. So it has been quite a few months for me. I wish I could tell you things will get better but I can't because I am still navigating my way through it. I did have some counselling though and it is maybe something you would consider? You would be able to contact someone here at MacMillan for that and they would point you in the right direction. I consider myself to be proactive on that there are still some days I can get `desperate` and don't want to be here but I contact resources I know who will help. Coming on here is good too because everyone will get what you are going through now because we have all been there and in some cases still are. Take Care of yourself and my best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky xx