What comes next ?

Hi Fifinet

Sorry to hear that your face rash is still causing you stress... Kind of a catch 22 stress=rash=stress=rash. Hopefully the dermatologist will help and be able to prescribe a cure.

Comforting to know that you write a journal, letters etc. 

Writing was always my 'go to' in times of stress. Recording my thoughts, memories in writing , letters or poetry.

Yet ...  Since my husband passed away I have not been able to write. No poetry, no musings... Nothing. I feel so strongly that I NEED to write to get the heaviness out of me. I feel as if my grief is locked like a mountain of words that is slowly suffocating me from within.

The other day I sat and re-read the diary I kept, listing Mark's illness, appointments, symptoms, medication and all the minutiae that goes with nursing someone with cancer. I contemplated using it as material to write... But I just go blank when it comes to processing the words.

Mark was ill during lockdown, treatment was cancelled and phone appointments replaced face to face. I was left to nurse him alone with no help from anyone, my family were 200 miles away.  The added frustration of watching your husband constantly bringing up very large amounts of blood for hours, then finally getting a phone call with a hospital doctor.. who proceeds to tells you to purchase some cough medicine!!  That particular episode ended with a blue-light ambulance and a hospital visit to revive him after almost bleeding to death. 

3 years since he passed away and I wonder if being in limbo will continue to be my 'norm'. I wish someone on this site could write the answer to coping with grief so we could all learn to adapt to our new life. 

Sadly,  we all suffer our loss in a variety of ways, some cry, some write, some work to  excess, or drink to excess or simply do nothing. 

Keep writing... I hope it acts as a release for you to record it all.

1. Stay strong and to anyone treating you like a contagious leper... Mind their own business.

Many thanks Pooka 

Today is another day,, although I didn't sleep well after all the turmoil I was feeling when I wrote that.Writing for me however does help. I hope you can find that again. Once you start ? Horrific about your fright coping with your husband's huge blood loss and no help. Middle of the night rush to the hospital for me too and trying your best French whilst half asleep. No wonder we were so tired all the time . I feel very much in limbo too. Can't get motivated at the moment. Maybe the onset of Spring and change of hour will help.

Thank you for responding to me.

Hugs and let's see what today brings ?

Time passes. Oct 22 going on for 17 months. This second year is different  for me as I am.  starting  to. open my eyes to the abyss ahead.

Every day has sadness, and still disbelief my husband isn't here. What way can I conjure him up again!? . Last weekend I went with my daughter to an alt rock concert played by a young American group at a historic venue I'd been with my husband years ago when we first met over 30 years ago, and not been back hardly.

It's part of my mission when I have the energy to keep doing things  Was a bit weird to do but my husband was a music fanatic always interested in new music so it seemed a way to be with him and do something he couldn't. 

He's always on my mind when I get up, go to bed, walk anywhere,do yoga, go swimming, any time when I am free  but I fill my day working and with distractions

.As fifenet and pooka I go over all the suffering, the awful day of his brain haemorrhage when he was taken down the stairs of our apartment by the ambulance guys in a stretcher chair shouting in fear. And all the good memories too. I don't want to forget.

Big hug to you all, good to share how we are coping xx

Yes thank you for that too Daybreak. The good memories are there which is great and even make me smile.

We must continue for them and for us to I suppose. Glad to share these thoughts and feelings.

Today is another day. I am going to a therapist/ reiki/ channeling of energies today. Has been recommended to me.

Maybe help with all my aches and pains plus the horrible rash ! 

Take care 

Hallo, Pookah and everyone, 

Your wish for someone to write the answer to coping with grief resonated with me!  It’s like the old ‘how long is a piece of string?’ often said when an answer is not clear. 
That’s why this forum is so good…..we share and learn from each other and that can light the next steps we might take on this journey.  May I share with you a few of the things which have helped me?  I’m nearly 18 years on this journey.  Am I now over the grief of losing him?  Not over it, rather through it.  It still has the ability to bite me on the rear when I get towards the anniversary but once I’m past the date I know I’ll be ok and pushing on with my life, which is a generally happy one. The memories sweeten as the years go by. 
Finding a ‘new normal’?  You have to really want to. It doesn’t mean leaving your memories of your loved one behind.  They’ll always be locked deep in your heart.  My husband wanted me to get out there and find a new life and I like to think of him cheering me on. It can be challenging, of course, but there is no going back. Sometimes people feel they are going backwards…..but in reality it’s another obstacle to be dealt with….everyone has them whether they are grieving or not. 
I’m not saying that any of this is easy - it’s baby steps at first - and takes courage to take those first steps, but let yourself feel good about taking them.  I think our loved ones would want us to find peace and some happiness…..I know that if it had been me who went first I’d have wanted my guy to live life to the full for both of us. 
Sorry about the length of this.  I never can use one word when there’s a whole dictionary full of possibilities.   Love, encouragement and congratulations that you got this far reading this thing! 
Sandy.

Hi Fifinet

I feel just the same as you.  I'm three years in and think I have accepted Nic's passing, but am not 100% sure.  I am feeling very low and lonely.  Recently I have developed a problem in one of my knees which originally started as a physical response to my dad's passing eight years ago.  It has been fine for ages, but now I'm really having problems so think that it's now a physical reaction to Nic's passing due to how low I'm feeling.

I have done so much since Nic died.  I had a house full of his late parents belongings, some of which I've sent to his sister in the US, some has been removed through house clearance and the rest donated or sold.  I've had parts of the house decorated and this week a new bathroom was completed.  Does this make me feel better?  No, it makes me feel guilty that I'm doing all this without his input and making decisions that should have been done together.

I too have a very short fuse and cannot tolerate incompetence or being left hanging around waiting to hear from people.  

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

All best wishes to everyone.

Hello there 

Totally understand what and how you are feeling. Up until yesterday I felt I was slipping backwards into a very sad and lonely state. I went with a brave outlook and a very red face, to see a energeticienne in French. Don't quite know the exact English translation, but you will see energy in the word. All things that I lack, both mentally as well as physically. 

She took lots of notes on when Barry had died, and how I had been coping since then. It will be two years in May when he died. I have been bottling up so many feelings, without really realizing it, but my rash on my face, she says, is caused by ANGER. Once she said that, it made sense.Not an anxious or angry person at all, in fact the complete opposite.  I let go all the tensions built up in the body and had a big cry. She worked on opening up the chakras and allowing calm to enter. Not painful or intrusive ! 

Now I know that all the creams I have used  without effect on my face, haven't treated the CAUSE at all.

She talked me through a lot of things as she is a therapist too and it really helped me. So today, I feel a bit more hopeful. The rash is dying down and my thoughts are much clearer.

Just to say I hope you have a better day too and just HOLD TIGHT. Our loved ones never leave us. I know Barry loved me and I did too. I wish I had told him more often ? That's why she advised me to write a letter to him, and when it is finished, no matter how long it takes, read it loudly out to him. I am working on that.

Love and hugs

Hi Fifinet

Lovely to read that you may have found an answer to the causes of your facial rash.

I so hope that recognising the causes and emotions that you have built up, will in time see you start to turn a corner and feel emotionally more settled. I can understand the anger, I am not an angry person by nature but I know that I still have a LOT of anger associated with my husband's illness and subsequent death.

I hope that you can find the words to express yourself in your letter and that the process of writing it proves to be a cathartic one.

Big hugs

Mym

(Pookah )

Hi Fifinet

Just wanted to say how pleased I am that the therapist was able to help you.

Sending love and hugs

Christine x

Thank you !!

However, today it is a bit sore. Guess what I can text her and she will work on me by distance ? Technology? Well I shall try it.

Take care 

Hugs