Left behind ,numb and lost.

Hello Dora!

I can I think resonate with what you are going through. I lost my husband just 8 months ago to bowel cancer. My husband battled with this for almost 2 years similar to your partner and before his cancer symptoms surfaced he had a diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes this happened just just before he retired from work 5 years ago and he never got to enjoy it unfortunately. We began to work on the diabetes but then covid happened and so our efforts to go to the gym etc got put on a backburner because everything just closed down. Then at the end of 2020 his cancer symptoms surfaced where which the tumour had been there for 3 or 4 years according to his surgeon without showing symptoms. 

He got his official cancer diagnosis in July 2021 and after successfully completing a course of chemoradiation to reduce his tumour in prep for surgery he got the tumour cut out in January 2022. They got it all or so they said, but it came back 5 months later in May 2022 and then it was just a round of continued chemotherapy which in the end needed to be withdrawn because of kidney damage so after that all they could offer him was pain management and he was more or less on borrowed time. Yes it's hard to watch them deteriorate from the person they were my husband more or less became bedbound as the time went on. I was so in denial that he was going to get better but never did.  Four bouts of sepsis seen to that. This meant that he had to be admitted regularly to hospital he would no sooner be home and he would need to go back again. Like your partner he was not for going into hospital and was always telling me `not to phone anyone` but I just didn't listen to him and I'm glad I didn't because on his third bout of sepsis this almost took him but he amazed the doctors and pulled through. 

He then came home again but only weeks later a 4th bout of sepsis hit and this meant that he had to be actually stretchered out of the house because his blood pressure was so low the paramedics feared that sitting him upright and taking him out to the ambulance in a chair may cause him to pass out and they couldn't be able to move him. So my last image of him leaving this house was to be dragged along the floor in a stretcher- he was a big man and although lost load of weight, was still to heavy to actually lift so this was the easiest way they could do it- this was the way he left this house for good as I live in an upstairs main door flat and they had to navigate getting him out of the room and down a flight of stairs as this time he went into the hospital he never came home and passed away there on the 23rd June 2023. 

I was with him at the end and never even realised he was gone. He was lapsing in and out of consciousness while all the time doing that horrible breathing they do at the end and yes you got the pauses between breathing. This went on for sometime and I actually left his room on one occasion to go and get a cup of tea and a sandwich I came back and sat at his bed and watched the small TV in his room and he was still doing his wheezy breathing but then I became aware it had gone quite and I shook him and got no response as I thought he had just went back to sleep. I then remember just walking down the corridor to the nurses station and saying I think he is gone and two rushed up to check him over and then one said `yes he is at peace now`. That will always stay with me. Some days are better than others but when I have my bad days they are really bad. I have had counselling to help and it does but some days its just trying to work it the best way you can. It would have been his 70th birthday last Monday that and my first Valentines Day without him in 40 years so last week for me was particularly bad it was what I call one of my `stuck weeks` as I have a few of those a week where I feel I just do not want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone and I have been told through counselling that is perfectly normal and there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief process and people just deal with it in their own way. I was told last weekend by someone that the first year is like a `memory` you are constantly casting your mind back to the year before when the person was maybe still here remembering what you were doing or where you were at the time one year ago but once the `anniversary` of their passing has gone things may begin to change and you may start to be able to begin living a life on your own. You will never ever forget your partner/loved one but just start to learn to live better without them. I just hope this will happen for me. My best wishes to you going forward and thank you for sharing your story I'm sure many here will relate what you are going through. Take Care.

Vicky 

Thankyou Pattyk .So many similarities. 

Something I didn't mention was Cheryl also caught sepsis and that was the medication she refused to take .Big green capsules. 

I was ordered to administer 10 units of insulin every so many hours ,Something I never had to do in the past.

Before long a palative nurse tried to take blood pressure, and finger prick to find her sugar count and everything she did came up error so no numbers to record.

That's when I knew it was just a matter of time. 

Cheryl had had enough battling ,she was ready to have some peace.

Cheryl was also supposed to have a colostomy bag fitted but did not have the strength to go through operation. 

She also had 2 kidney stebts fitted about 4 month prior.but one was failing not long after it was fitted.

I tell you Cheryl was a really strong lady who never complained and our macmillan nurse always greeted Cheryl downstairs as I would have to help Cheryl down the stairs and it was no easy feat. It could take upto half hour to get down the stairs.

Even on a sunday she would try to help in preparing the dinner, but her hands were weak so it would only be one potato peeled or one carrot chopped. What a trooper she was.

What I found hard was Cheryl was so organised, she worked as a chamber maid in a hotel but I worked in the fishtrade and worked 6days a week from 2am till 2pm most days.

Because of my hours Cheryl would pay all bills and most were in her name.after her passing What a nightmare it was and has still been to change over .

We were not married but had been partners for over 22yrs.

I give up my job to look after Cheryl but I tried to work through the beginning and that was a massive mistake. 

I could not cope with my emotions when she was 1st diagnosed and could not control my crying at work.

I used to hide behind the freezers and really let go.

I could not sleep and this really effected my work.

In one week I crashed 2 vans and my car.

I had to stop as my life was in danger.

I felt useless when she passed. 

We had a joint benefit claim and monies went into her bank account. I phoned the bank and told them the situation, they told me I couldn't have access to her account. I then told her I went to the civic centre and acquired a death certificate. 

I was astonished when the kady on phone said to me "anyone can go and get that.

I felt like a no body. 

I was not a blood relative so I could not access her account, her mam had to sort it out. 

Then I just had problem after problem with alot of companies so that was a major headache. 

There is just so much to do when you are at your most fragile state and its very easy for things to get really on top of you.

I find life hard but I will get through it even just for our son.

Our son is what we both lived for .

She missed his 18th and so many other mile stones .

She would be so proud of him and he has really dealt with the loss of his mam so very well.

Carried on with his education, got a scholarship and top marks with everything .

He spends most of his free time in a American wrestling club for which he adored at a very young age.Cheryl would be his number 1 fan....

Thankyou for listening to me.

Stay strong xx

Hello 

What an amazing person you sound. The love and care just flows out from you. You are amazing to have written all of this and it is both touching and heartbreaking. Thank goodness you have your son and you can move through this together. You have found this forum too which has been such an enormous help to so many of us.

I wish you luck and keep strong for your beloved.

Hugs are there.

Thanks for sharing that Dora. Jay at the end had all sorts of problems going on. He needed a catheter fitted which continually blocked he had an interdwelling one which was long term and got changed every 3 months but he took an infection with it. Because of the kidney damage caused by his chemotherapy he had to have a double nephrostomy procedure where he had to have drain tubes inserted into each side of his back to help his kidneys drain and he also had a stoma bag fitted because they needed to cut part of his bowel away because of his tumour. I used to make a joke of it that he had `more bags than Lidl` (supermarket). I think like your Cheryl he just gave up in the end and his body had had enough. He took everything they could throw at him to fight this and I think along with the cancer and the last bout of sepsis it  just finished him. It was so hard to watch him deteriorate at the end from the big happy-go-lucky chap he was. He really did become a shadow of his former self. Wish us all the best here going through this. Take Care and you stay strong too.

Vicky x

Thank you so much for your kind words .

I didn't expect anything different as people from the community are so understanding and caring and little mentions to lift the writer really goes a long way to improve there way of thinking at that moment in time..

I like to read a lot of people's own journeys and if I can make their day a little bit better  by responding with praise and encouragement,it makes me feel a bit better about myself and my actions .

Thank you and stay safe x

Just had terrible news that a very close uncle who lives in a bungalow across the road to my mam has been taken into hospital just on Friday. 

Our family have a very close bond ,this is my mams brothers,one lives same street as my mam and the other lives a distance away in sudbury Suffolk. 

My mams brothers are 70 upwards but still lived a very active life.

My uncle living near my mam always used to call every morning before he would bus it to Newcastle City centre and have a walk ,and would always pick something up for one of us but it would be something you would never think of buying.

He is  so old school and says he never watches the TV and only listens to the (not radio) the wireless. He was so stuck in his way's. 

He is such a top guy though. 

Well for months he has been complaining of a bad back and as his back was sore I have not seen him for a while as he wouldn't stay long at my mams.

I was just getting the news from my mam and she was worried it was getting  worse.

Well I go to my mams every Sunday unless I am to tired with not sleeping properly. 

I hadn't see  my uncle for a while and my mam wanted me to go up to help her bring him down for a Sunday dinner.

I was absolutely shocked. The weight had dropped off him and his movement was very restricted.

He had lost a good few stone and he was quite off balanced ,so he needed us to get him down to my mams.

It was then my mam said the doctor was worried it could be cancer.

I can't take this,I'm still dealing with losing my partner with stage 4 cervical cancer and now another family member.

I live a good drive away from my mams so I WhatsApp with her everyday. 

Got text yesterday that he was took into hospital Thursday evening. 

He has had a scan and a session of radiotherapy and a shocking development.

 The tumour or growth has fractured his spine.

All that time with his back pain .

Well ,according to my mam,it is realistic he won't get back home.

I dont want to think that way.

My mam is very upset.

Apart from my partner ,we have had no other family passing since my nana in 1980's.

My life is not worth living at moment since the passing of my partner I definitely have had such a long period of bad ,rotten luck .

I can't imagine my state of mind if I don't go to the place up above before anything happens to my mam or dad.

I won't be able to take the  pressure of losing someone else. 

I thought your later years were your best years.

Not for me ,Life sucks.