Struggling

Dear Bubbles, 

• I’m so sorry to hear this news….the loss of two such important men in your life in such a short time must be devastating and my heart goes out not only to you, but to your mum as well. I’m sure she is very glad to have you to help her and you must be feeling much stress yourself, specially with your little one to consider as well. I glad you haven’t gone back to work yet.  Things will be raw for you and your mum, of course, but also for your daughter.  You didn’t mention what kind of job you do….it maybe a job in which you could go back after your dad’s funeral but it depends how ‘on show’ you would be to the public or whether you are in a management job, for instance.  I was a head of department in a large secondary school…..and it took quite a while before I could cope there..  I would suggest that you talk things over with your gp before you make any decisions about going back to work. 
  Your feelings of lethargy will ring a bell with all of us on here….and many of us will not be in the same position as you are with two such losses in a short length of time.  I had many such mornings looking at my house and thinking, ‘what’s the point?’  Sorting through your husband’s things can wait, there is no hurry, but perhaps set yourself the task of doing one thing a day…..maybe putting a load of washing through or using that hoover.  Could be anything but not ‘having another coffee first’.  Another coffee comes after the hoover or washer. Try recording and dating  what you’re doing in a small book.  Over a week you’ll find that things look a bit better and you’ll see the evidence of your effort on paper too. Encouraging!  The other thing is…..don’t beat yourself up if you have a (excuse me….) ‘bugger it all’ day.  You’ll get back on board gently the next day. 
  I know it all seems pretty impossible at the moment.  It might for a while but gradually you will be able to find what is often called your ‘new normal’.  You and your mum will be there for each other and for your little one. I’ve been on this journey for almost eighteen years. It’s hard sometimes and there are many bumpy bits to negotiate, but it does get better.  Sending this with a gentle hug of encouragement.
  
  
• Sandy49

I am sorry for the loss of both your husband and dad so close together. I lost my husband 7 months ago and most days i cannot be bothered to do anything. I used to be very house proud, but i have not dusted my house for about 2 months, i occasionally put a hoover round if i can be bothered. I also do not look after myself very well either some days even going to bed without cleaning my teeth and not bothering to shower, as who is here to care that i haven't done those things. I do not work so don't have to think about that, but as Sandy says it depends what your job is as to how you might feel going back, hopefully your place of work will be understanding. Maybe you could go back just one day a week to start with and gradually work up to full time, but do allow yourself time to grieve, this is something you will never get over, but hopefully in time you, and me, may learn to live with it better. Take care.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss,  it's not easy it is? I was 44 when I lost my wife which is now over three years ago.  If I have any advice to give,  it would be not to rush it.  I allowed myself to feel bad, be miserable and upset but told myself that tomorrow I would not be.  By giving myself days to feel like that it really helped.

I also made a huge career change, which was a big help in my healing, I would recommend that to anyone if at all possible. Do something you always wanted to do!

I took up mounting biking and paddle boarding and surfing with my two sons, this really helps getting us all out and enjoying new things. We've also done a lot of hiking which has been brilliant. 

I wish you all the very best

Carl 

xx

Hello Bubbles!

What you are describing sounds perfectly normal. I have had those `what's the point` days with regards to housework etc. I lost my husband just about 8 months ago to bowel cancer. He would have been 70 last Monday (12th Feb) so just didn't make that milestone. I'm still there with the what's the point and I do get what you mean some days you just want to sit and look at 4 walls and know there is things to be done but just don't have the incentive or motivation to do it then get angry with yourself because it hasn't been done and then you'll say `I'll do it tomorrow` but sometimes tomorrow never happens either. You'll sort hubby's things out when you're ready but with what you are going through with losing your dad too that could maybe take a backseat for now there is no timescale to do that you will have enough to do just now being a support for your mum and she to you it's good you are there at least for each other. I'm currently making my way through my husband's stuff he had so many clothes that he never wore stuff still in wrappers with the tags still on so to give myself something to do I have been putting these on selling sites. These hold no sentimental value for me because I have never seen him in them it's just the clothes I have seen him in which is harder to get rid of just now but I know I eventually will. It has made me feel a little better doing this because I feel I have a `purpose` that I'm doing something and giving me a reason to go out each day something somedays I don't feel like doing either some days you just want to shut the door on the world and not see anyone or go anywhere. I have been having some bereavement support though and it has been working and the support adviser has told me too that what I have been feeling is normal for the grieving process. I have also started going back to the gym my husband and myself used to do that together he got a Type 2 diabetes diagnosis about 5 years ago just before his cancer symptoms surfaced so we started to work on that but then covid happened and everything had to stop and just after that he became very ill and well, the rest is history. Take your time as my dad used to say `Tomorrow is another day` he was full of wee sayings like that and as Sandy here says just have `bugger it all` days just now. Take Care lovely. Best Wishes to you moving forward and sending my condolences on your loss. 

Vicky xx

Oh Dipsy!

I feel so much better after reading your post. Your sentiments about housework and not bothering in general ring to true with me. I feel like this so much just now and as you say, who is going to see your house? I do shower but not as often I used to and it's still an effort to get out of bed sometimes in the morning if it wasn't for my wee dog I think I would lie there all day but I get up and get dressed because he needs to go out. Trying my best to `do things` through the day but some days you just wonder what or who you are doing them for. I lost my husband 8 months ago and it has flown in but it just seems so long. My son and his partner are getting married next year so that will give me something to focus on I suppose. Someone told me the other day the first year after losing someone is a `memory` she said you are still thinking back to the year before when maybe your partner or loved one was still here and what you were doing at that time one year ago she said things get slightly better after that and then you start to move forward you don't forget your loved one, you just learn to start being able to live without them in a way. I just hope that that is true and it does happen. Take Care Dipsy and everyone else here too. 

Vicky x