Through a fog of emotions

Hi Fifinet,

I really do wonder if this time of year makes things even harder regardless of how long we have been going through this. For us, and a few others, 'our time' is similar. 

Numbness? Yes, absolutely. I too feel that sense. I still can't believe it at times and think all too often how can this have happened. Even just last night I revisited that sense of did I do enough? Did I push for opinions enough? Why didn't I...?

People have upset me too. To be honest,  I'm not even sure if it's them or just me over reacting. They still get to me however as I feel they don't understand. But then I say to myself that they can't - as this hasn't happened to them.

I've decided that I'm getting away from it all and have taken the plunge to go international soon. I've managed to go to places in the UK in the last year and more, not that easy at times, and thought the only way to find out if i can do more is to do it.

The days here are getting longer and I sense Spring is not too far away. Hold on and we shall see where this year takes us.

Each day is still so hard. It has scared me as i/we are not that far away from two years. I ask how can that be? I still see and experience every moment. It is the magic, I guess, of having experienced life with the love of our lives.

It is still all too sad. Each day is a journey and more. But what I'd give for one more hug. 

Take care, 

WDJ

I often say i would give anything for one more hug, one more kiss, one more hand hold. I still don't believe what my life has now become now. Not caring about much at all, my house needs a good dust and clean, but can't be bothered, can barely be bothered to shower, or eat. My daughter has said she is going to batch cook some food for me next week, but can i be bothered to eat it, probably not. I really just want the end of my life to come rapidly to put me out of this pain.

Dipsy, I can relate very much so how you are feeling. I am 7 months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. Everyday just now just feels like `groundhog day` as if the days are just morphing together. I used to think that way when everything was in lockdown due to covid a few years ago well, this just feels the same and I just see the year- or years stretching out in front of me now not knowing what the future will bring. As much as I try to `do things` and `keep occupied` I just feel so empty and like you wonder what I am going to get out of doing these things and is it really worthwhile doing them. Funnily enough, I like my own company but some days it can just be quite overwhelming. I was on my own a lot when my husband was here during his working days as he worked away a lot but there he worked hard for 50 odd years without the need to go to the GP or be in a hospital retires and it becomes more or less an everyday occurence. Yes I get the cleaning the house thing some days for me it's just an effort to get the vacuum cleaner out the cupboard and just see no point as no one comes near so it's only me seeing the house. When my husband was here we had our routines who did what and which room that's all gone now. I have so many ideas in my head what I want to do, but its finding the strength to do it. I have a son who lives near me with his partner and little girl but very seldom see then and if I do it will usually to look after the wee one. Saw them at Christmas so I'll give them that my first without hubby. I also have an older sister who lives within walking distance from me in sheltered accommodation and she has slight learning and mental health issues and I'm down as her carer. She can do for herself to an extent and I have to help her with other things like things in authority banking, insurance issues etc I need to help her with those. She's my sister, but not the way a sister can be in a supportive way. Empathy is not one of her strong points because of her own illness and she just doesn't get how to respond to support someone emotionally. 

Every little thing that happens is a big thing for her she also had a bowel cancer diagnosis just two months after my husband passed but she is ok and has been in and got her tumour cut out which thankfully was very small and has been told she will likely make a full recovery. I used to scoff at my sister for eating ready meals but now find myself doing the exact same thing and why not? it's only me after all. I have started driving again so can get back out in the car for an hour or so if I want or if I can actually decide I want to go out. I do go out because the dog needs walked so there are times when I need to go out. This time of year doesn't help either I think the cold dark nights. I have been receiving some bereavement support just started so see if anything positive comes out of it. I have been told these feelings may never leave me but will fade out eventually and I will eventually be able to build a life around them. We were together for 40 years and for him to suddenly not be here is a shock to the system there are days I still can't comprehend it. Please take care and my best wishes to you moving forward.

Hello there 

I meant to reply earlier to your posting so sorry.

Where are you travelling to ? I was even thinking of a little visit back to Scotland later on this year. Haven't been back for nearly 15 years !

Grim times still but trying my best.

Hugs 

Hi Fifinet,

I'm sure you'll notice a big difference coming back to Scotland if you do. I can't believe the changes I've experienced. 

I've taken the plunge and am crossing The Atlantic. A very, very, big step!

Take care,

WDJ