In a vey deep dark place

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself here. 

What you describe is something that many if not all of us can relate to. Don't feel bad and just take things very slowly even just an hour at a time.

Since I lost my husband my faith has taken a huge knock too. Sadly many churches just don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving. 

Take care 

Hi there and many thanks for your reply. It is somehow consoling to know that I am not alone. Very best wishes.

You are not alone. I lost my dear wife of over 38 years just six weeks ago. I feel totally bereft, and can't yet see how I can go on. It is a terrible position to find oneself in.

But: I promised my wife that I would go on - so I fully intend to do my best to honour that promise.

During my wife's illness, I always wished that it was me, and not her. That was partly because she was suffering, and had already suffered enough. But - and to be quite honest with myself - there was also a selfish aspect to this: I didn't want to be the one left behind. We don't have kids, and my plan had always been for us to grow old together, and for me to drop dead of a heart attack in my late 80s or so, just before her. However, as they say: 'If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.'

The way I am trying to think about things now is to imagine that it had been me who had died. In that case, I would not only want my wife to carry on and lead a good and fulfilling life, I would expect her to do so. So I am trying to apply the same thing to myself, now that I find myself in this awful position: I just know that my wife wouldn't want me to quit living.

Currently, that seems impossible, and things just look totally black. But I am determined to try.

I send you my love, and my best wishes.

Hello Lexis!

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal as Wildcat says we can all relate to this. I lost my husband to bowel cancer in June this year after him putting up an almost 2 year fight. It is very hard at the beginning and everything you say about getting up and facing each day resonates well. I am still there in some ways. I am not relishing the thought of my first Christmas in 40 years without him but I will try and make an effort if only for my little granddaughter my decorations are up but there's no enthusiasm or anything there.  He only got to see the first 2 years of her life he was determined to see her go to school but unfortunately its not going to happen. Some days are still an effort for me just even making myself a cup of tea I need to summon some effort to do. I know it will- or I hope it will- get easier but hard to say when that will be because grief affects everyone differently. My very best wishes to you moving forwards. Take Care.

I am deeply sorry you have lost your wife, My husband died of the same cancer in July, he was also lucky that there was no real pain and up until the last 2 weeks he was still walking around. I was also lucky in that i had him for 17 months after he was diagnosed, but that was still not long enough. What you have written is exactly how i feel, i just want this pain to go away. I do not have any faith, especially because of of the people i have lost in my life, how could there be a God that would let all these terrible things happen to one person. I hope your faith can help you at this time and in the future the pain will subside a little, for both of us. 

Hello there and thank you so much for your message. It is comforting to know that there are other people out there. I am so sorry for your loss and, although I know it will not help at all, my thoughts and very best wishes are for you.

Hello there, and thank you so much for your reply. It does help, I think, to know that there are other people out there suffering, although I am so sorry for your loss. Christmas is going to be an awful time, but I suppose we’ll get through it, a little bit at a time. There are, I’m afraid, no words of wisdom or comfort that I can offer save that I know you’re suffering and you are in my thoughts, now and for the future. With kind regards 

Hello there, and thank you so much for your thoughtful and positive reply. I do so admire your determination to get on with life and I am sure that’s what our spouses would have wanted, difficult though it may be. It is so comforting to know that there are others suffering, although we all suffer in different ways, at different times. I think the problem is that none of us think we or our loved ones will die. It will always happen to other people, never to us, although your hopes for a quick passing for you and your wife in old age, resonate so much with me. I shall think of you and hold you in my thoughts. With kind regards, love and strength to you. 

Hi I lost my partner a week and a half ago and am totally lost. He had Glioblastoma grade 4 inoperable. He was diagnosed in September so this has happened all so quickly. He became bedbound very quickly and could only use his right hand. He was such a fighter everyday I never left his side from sleeping on a chair in hospital to sleeping on sofa next to his hospital bed at home. We had 11 happy years together and was a lovely step dad to my 3 grown up children who adored him and looked after him until the end. We was all around his bed when he passed no more pain. I just don’t know where to start some days I cry when I wake and cry when I go to bed. I’m just so lost we had such a beautiful relationship we did everything together. I’m just trying to get through another day and try to give myself one job per day. We loved Christmas time with my 3 grandchildren our tree is up with all presents wrapped. I have to start thinking about work but I’m struggling big time. I’m a teaching assistant in a school and have been there for 20 years. I have lots of lovely work colleagues but just don’t want to see anybody i just don’t feel ready to go into the world. I’m just not the same person. No one can take away that void I feel. Kids are amazing and supportive. We went and got a potted Xmas tree for the garden that can grow every year to remember him. In time im hoping it will get a little easier. Sending love and support to anyone who is going through this. A big hug and I’m here if anyone needs a chat or support x

Hello there,

So sorry to hear your sad news and I completely understand and identify with everything you said. This is an unspeakably awful time for everyone in this situation and my thoughts are with you. I try to do a little bit each day and that at least is a bit of a distraction.