Hello
my dear dad passed away on 12th September - he and my mom had been married for 72 years. My mom misses him dreadfully but I’m struggling to feel that I’m supporting her in the best way possible. I’m am only child amd I am stage 4 cancer myself. My husband and family are wonderful, but at the moment I’m finding it hard to deal with my mom. My dad died of bile duct cancer.
The problem at the moment is that my mom is jealous of anything I do that she feels she can’t be doing - eg I took my 17 yr old granddaughter shopping today and my mom said she was jealous because she couldn’t do it. Nothing was mentioned about missing my dad! It was this jealousy. Do I have to lie to her every time I do something without her? Do I stop seeing friends and family if she’s not invited? Of course not!, but I need some advice about the best way to deal with this jealousy.
thank you everyone. I’m sorry to ramble on.
Hello Dancinginthe rain
Firstly I am very sorry to hear that your Dad passed away in September. It must be very difficult for you and your Mum. To be married for 72 years is quite amazing.
I am glad that you are feeling supported by your husband and family but to have cancer your self must be difficult. I am sure you are doing your very best to support Mum and it must be bringing up a lot of difficult emotions for you both and it is still very early days. Jealousy sounds like one of many natural feelings to have in these circumstances and maybe Mum feels lost without Dad, and envious of other people being able to do things she would like to be doing. Of course for you, you need to be able to take things steady, do things with other people and also work on your own grief. Have your own CNS team/GP been able to offer you any support yourself?
Do you feel that talking things through would help? The support line is there from 8am-8pm every day and they are lovely on there. They would also be able to tell you about any support in your local area for both Mum and yourself. There is also an opportunity for counselling to be arranged.
When I lost my parents, I found grief was a journey, with lots of ups and downs and sometimes going with the flow felt the best way to go, accepting that some days would be really hard. Maybe finding things that Mum could be involved in as an alternative eg; if you are taking your grand daughter shopping one day, then another day have something planned where the grand daughter can pop in and see her. Is there anyone else who can pop in and see her perhaps- so she has little things planned to look forward to. I wonder if such things might take some of the attention off what you are able to do. But you shouldn't stop doing things that help you and that you enjoy, as you are important in this to and you can not support others if you are not taking care of your own emotions.
You are all naturally grieving in your own ways and I can only imagine how hard it feels at the moment.
I hope this helps a bit, but please do consider giving the Support Line a call (number is below) if you are struggling.
If there is anything else we can do to support you, please do ask.
Jane
I am pleased it helped. Sometimes just to write down how you are feeling does help. Please do ask if there is anything else that you need
