is this the right thing.

If you didn't have the dog I would say don't force yourself to go out. It's no time at all for you and at this stage you just do what feels right for you. 

My husband too died with lung cancer.

Hello Maureen - my husband died a week after yours. Just like you I found that I was coping a bit better when I had all the legal stuff to sort. I personally would say don't force yourself to do anything you don't feel up to yet. Would you have a friend, family member, kind neighbour, local dogwalker who could give your dog a quick walk on days you just can't face going out? I feel so 'spaced out' these days that I have been writing myself a little 'to do' list each day. Really simple things on it like, clean out a drawer, do 10 minutes of weeding in the garden, write a letter I've been meaning to write etc. If I don't complete it I do not beat myself up, but I find that each thing I do, and cross off the list, make me feel slightly better and more able to tackle the next thing. I suppose it is just trying to give my days some structure and purpose as everything feels so odd and 'wrong' at the moment. Perhaps, if like me, you cope better when you have something to focus on, this idea might help you too? Sending you my kindest wishes xx      

hi. thank you for your reply. yes, we should try to do something positive most days, if we can that is one of the reason I take my lovely dog out,  I might dread it before, but when I get back I  think 'yes, result you did it' seem to be having an extra sad day today,  all I  want to do is cry, but guess that is how it will be for quite a while yet.  people  say 'you are doing so well, you are so positive,  if only they saw me in floods of tears!!!  hope you day goes as well as it can do, I am in Cornwall and it is a dull overcast day today, which does not add to things, but to get through another day will be an achievement for us both and for many more people in these posts.   take care.

I was just about to come on and say it’s getting harder not easier. My husband died on 27th September and it been a whirlwind since then. I’m feeling extra sad today because my sister who has been with me has gone home for a few days.

I’m going to force myself to go out I think, I don’t have a dog though.

And any advice on to get through the funeral would be gratefully received.

Hello Paddy53 

First of all, I am sorry for your recent loss, and it is SO recent. It is so hard for us, coping with the death of our beloved, then arranging a funeral. You go on automatic pilot I think, or I did anyway. Strangely calm on the day of the funeral, because I needed to keep focused on it all. Tears came later. In France, where I live, all is done very quickly and in 5 days all was arranged. I had double the problem because certain terms in French I wasn't familiar with. Luckily my French friends helped me as I had no one from my family or Barry's either ! That's another story.

I got through the service, cremation and had someone read out my little tribute. Friends were very supportive and they have continued to be, most of them. Others not so, but I value the ones I have now. Reach out for help in the coming days. 

My little cat saved me in the months that followed. A sweet face and a routine that becomes necessary I have found.

Good luck with everything and you have made the first tiny step in contacting us on the forum.. It has been marvellous for me and I don't feel so alone when I read the posts.

Have a huge hug 

Hi Maureen, you are not alone. My husband passed away on exactly the same day as yours. He was diagnosed 6 months prior with pancreatic cancer. I didn’t cry at his funeral but did the next day. I have 2 boys aged 14 yrs and 11 yrs I guess they are the reason I get up and dressed everyday. I threw myself into the death admin and now that has wound down I find myself feeling numb, disconnected and exhausted. I have had 3 counselling sessions and it has helped me enormously. I have also started yoga and that has worked to get me to feel connected and breathe properly. I also met up with friends for walks and coffee. I didn’t force myself to arrange this and know my own limits. Writing lists of to do helps focus and structure the day. It’s ok not to do certain chores or tasks. Got to be kind to yourself. I have had stressful times like last week - mother in law was nagging at me to sort a memorial niche for his ashes. I couldn’t understand the urgency and stalled her by saying that the crematorium weren’t answering the phones! Anyway that set off another dilemma as to whether I buy a double capacity niche for him and me (in the future) or a single one. I will see this week if there is a nice spot at the crematorium gardens and go from there. I take each day as it comes and try not to make any ‘big’ decisions about my future in the next few months.

Hi!

My husband passed on 23rd June this year so I am a little bit further on than some of you. It's not even been 6 months yet but feels that much longer. I have been able to start driving again. It was my husband's wish before he passed that I went back to it to get my independence. For a good number of years although I have my license, I was unable to drive due to ill health myself which caused me to have blackouts. These have become less frequent though and so I went back to the GP and got the ok to start again but on the condition if there was a time at anytime, I felt ill or anything that I do not drive! so I was able to update my licence and I'm driving again. For me it gets me out the house for a while even if it's just to the local shops for essentials. The car is ours we bought it last year after having it on a PCP hire plan ironically we both loved it so decided we would buy it at the end of the contract it's all the car you need and so he wanted me to keep it going and `look after it` for him so I'm respecting his wishes. Just so cruel he couldn't get to enjoy it more now that it was `his`. I'm still trying to build my confidence with the driving and it's still trial and error. Keep the P plates up if I think I'm going into heavy traffic- which I try to avoid preferring just now to go out earlier in the day when it's less busy to miss the tea time rush and I think I've done ok so far. Even amazed myself and got it through it's last MOT which was something hubby always did. He guided me on that though where to take it as with me being a female I felt vulnerable at being ripped off for that but there is a garage he always took it to he trusted that don't give you any `flannel` of what needs done and it all worked out ok and the price was reasonable. I feel I am now challenging myself to do things things that he maybe took charge of and it's scary but once I do them I feel like I've achieved something by actually doing it. Cooking was his thing and he used to love being in the kitchen experimenting with recipes he has seen on TV he loved watching all the cooking programmes with the chefs James Martin, Gino Gordon Ramsey etc. The platefuls he used to make as well he would cook for an army and it was only the two of us. I'm not that adventurous though it's just a case of sticking something in the oven or microwave for me but the good thing is my waistline feels the better for it. I have lost so much weight since he passed but then that has all probably been down to anxiety and greiving also I just do not eat as much these days or have a notion to eat or just eat when I feel I want to. It had to be breakfast lunch and dinner when he was here. I'm not complaining though if he made it, I would eat it.  So it is hard trying to manage without your other half or soulmate if you were together a long time. It was 40 years for us. I can't say things will get better because I feel I am still going through it. I can't cry for him which feels weird and still feel I have a lot of stored up grief waiting to be released but just can't find an outlet for it I know it will come eventually but when I don't know. I wish you all well going through this and hope in time we can all heal. 

Vicky x