Bereavement

Hi Leaf,

I'm truly sorry that your husband has died, as did mine in October last year. I understand completely how you feel.

Chris and I had 28 amazing years together.

I don't have family or children, but do have a few really supportive friends. Even though I can call them, or meet up for walks or a meal, it's the everyday things that are difficult without having my husband to share them with.

I really hate doing everything on my own, the drinking of the first cup of tea in the morning, not having anyone to discuss or plan the day ahead with, the everyday intimacy of sharing life with someone who knew everything about me.

I miss "us" and the way we made each other laugh and smile. How we could talk about our past events and funny things that had happened, and even though however many times we spoke about them, and knew how it ended, we would still laugh.

I miss my Chris so much. He wasn't just my husband, he was my greatest friend and I miss him to the depths of my soul.

I don't like it that I'm now having to try to build a new life, new routine, make decisions on my own. I loved my life just the way it was.

Cancer took my husband from me and I will resent that for the rest of my life.

Somehow we've made it this far, but it's brutally hard both mentally and physically.  

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace.

Rachael x

Dear Lonely Panda

Knowing there’s other people out there having had a similar experience and deep feeling of loss, is truly a comfort. Thanks for being so candid in your response. It’s the silly mundane things we shared together, which i have to deal with alone, which are difficult too. 

If it’s any help, i find trying “to do”, or achieve a couple of things each day helps. I’ve also got a little pup. She is 6 months old now entertaining and provides me with the opportunity to talk with people whilst taking short walks and going to puppy class.

Life does go on, but it’s different and not expecting too much of oneself helps. You’re doing a terrible job!

The Community of like minded people is there for each of us.

Sorry Lonely Panda

Please accept my apologies

You’re doing a terrific job!

Dear Leaf,

No apology needed - the wonders of autocorrect.

I agree that trying to do something each day helps to stop the brain overthinking too much.

At the beginning of my grief I found that I had no interest in any of my hobbies. After a while I had to give myself a talking to as these were my hobbies, the things that were a part of who I am, the things that made me happy and slowly I introduced them back into my life.

I also kept up with my exercise as this really helped to give my head some space. I love cycling, walking and weight lifting.

I did go back to work early this year but unfortunately the role no longer felt like a good fit, and couldn't support my need to reduce my hours, so I took the brave decision to resign and my last day was two weeks ago. I'm going to spend some time figuring out what I want to do next, something which gives me the flexibility to be productive at work whilst also having time for my hobbies, friends and things which give me joy.

I try to live for each day now, never looking too far ahead and can honestly say that I'm slowly becoming comfortable with being alone.  Some days are harder than others, and yes I do get lonely, but I don't fight how I feel.

I keep fighting through each day, not expecting too much and trying to live it as best I can as I know that more than anything Chris wanted to live, and he would not want his cancer to also take my life.  More than anything I also need to live for me.

Take care, Rachael x

Hi Panda and Leaf!

I have I just been reading your posts and they resonate so much with me. I just lost Jay (my husband) in June this year after an almost 2 year battle with bowel cancer. He fought it hard and just took everything they could throw at him at one time beating it and being clear but only for 5 months until it returned again and this time decided to take him. Having sepsis though on 4 occasions didn't help either and he passed on the 23rd June this year. So I'm still adjusting as it's only been 3 months.  Like you both leaf and Panda, he was my husband, best friend and soulmate for 40 years and it has been so hard trying to get by without him. We had so much planned for the future but this beast that is cancer has snatched that away from us now. He retired in 2019 worked 50 odd years without so much as a visit to a GP surgery or hospital retires, and it became an almost everyday occurrence starting off with a diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes. I have been just about managing to get by but as you say it is hard. Some days I sometimes actually forget that he is not here but then something reminds me that he very much isn't. Little things like watching the TV together. At this time of the year all the autumn schedules are starting with Strictly Come Dancing etc and these were the nights you just cozied up in you PJs or whatever and watched the TV. It's things like milestones he's going to miss too. It's our little granddaughter's 3rd birthday this week and he won't see that. He was so over the moon when she was born and never ever thought he would be a granddad. He won't see his 70th birthday in February next year or our son get married the year after. It's hard. I was just starting to move forward slightly when I found out my sister has also been diagnosed with bowel cancer now although her's is not as extensive as Jay's was and they think they have caught this one in time and it may be a case= fingers crossed- that she does not need to go through any chemo or radiotherapy. So here's hoping. I wish you both well on moving forward as I am trying to do also. They say it does get better it never leaves you but gets better so we'll see how that goes. My Best Wishes To You Both. 

Vicky xx

Hi PattyK (Vicky),

I hope today has been kind to you.

I'm sorry that your husband, Jay, lost his hard fought battle with cancer.  You must be devastated that your sister has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. It is a cruel disease indeed.

I'm having one of those days where it feels hard to keep going so I've let my emotions just be and not tried to fight them.  I'm having more up and down days the closer it is getting to the 1 year of Chris dying. It can be such a lonely path we tread, but this forum has been a huge help.

My very best wishes to you.

Rachael xx

Dear Patty K (Vicky) and Lonely Panda, being together, supporting each other through this Forum helps. Autumn and Winter with the longer nights, can give us long lonely evenings, whereby grief and sadness can slip into our minds. Cancer stole our best friends before their time, but we won’t let it take our spirits too.Taking life one day at a time helps, being kind to oneself and focusing on one or two small wins each day. Mine today have been resuming my Gyn Membership and enjoying a swim. Also, cooking a tasty tea and saving some for future evenings. it’s like putting money in the bank. 

Patty K (Vicky) love to you and your sister.

Lonely Panda, keep up the cycling, walking and weight lifting.

take care of yourselves

Leaf