PBD7 I'm with you, how can it be a year, some days feels like only yesterday, other days seems like a lifetime doesn't it.
Wedding anniversary was as lovely a it could be, I tried to make the day as special as i could and do what we would of done had Andy still been here. I sent him a card and the same flowers I had in my wedding bouquet (the same ones he always sent me for birthdays and just because flowers) Some friends sent me lovely cards too, 1 friend did send me a little gift and put it was from Andy but hadn't told me - it really freaked me out and upset me at first as I thought perhaps he had sorted it out before he passed last year - I mentioned it to her the next day and she admitted it was her as she thought it was something he would approve of! Once i got over the shock i thought it was a nice gesture - just a little too personal.
For his 1st memorial on 4 october, I have booked the day off work and will take myself off to out favorite beach on my own and sit quiet with my own memories. I'm waiting confirmation of a memorial bench being install by the beach too - they are doing all they can to get it ready for the date - Will I scatter his cremains then too - not sure as I take comfort from him being with me at home at the moment - maybe I'm not ready for that just yet.
I beleive we have to just do whats right for us, this is our journey we are walking, no one elses - How could they judge if they are not in your shoes. Do whats right for you.
I also try to keep busy, more for my head than pyhsically - I walk my poor dogs miles, even in the rain as it gve me me time and head space - just this morning we were walking, the heavens opened and we sheltered under some bushes then the sky lit up with 2 beautiful rainbows - then i knew Andy was looking down on us and it felt ike he was giving us a big hug and sign I will be ok and to keep putting one foot in front of the other (he loved Rainbows so when we see one we call it Big mans rainbows - he was 6ft6"!)
Weekends I find hard and when i can get most lonley (we live rural West Wales) unless I'm busy pottering in the garden - that was very much one of our happy places.
Just keep doing what feels right for you, thats what I'm trying to do.
Flamingo21 I find writing in a journal helps - not for everyone. I don't write everyday now but still find comfort in writing in it.
Christmas! Last year was my 1st without Andy, i didn't want to do anything, not even put the tree etc up but then I thought well, Andy loved Christmas and all the decorations around the house so I did it! Lots of tears as Andy always put the tree up. Then I sat next to it with a glass of red and chatted to him. It was just me and my Mum Christmas day, I set a place for him at the table and still made a Christmas dinner - albeit a very small one.
You just do whats right for you, I would be happier on my own but my dear old Mum worries about me (I'm 52! lol) Don't fee you have to put on a hapy face, it you feel rubbish - tell them - if one thing about my grief journey, Its made me very honest - I really don't care what anyone else thinks - I may have lost a few freinds because of that but I'm no worse off without them!
I was talking to friends yesterday about scattering Richard's ashes... I have been meaning to for ages but haven't. They are downstairs in the hallway almost hidden away. I'm not sure either so think I will wait a while longer.
I haven't sorted out his clothes either. That's something I probably could start doing now.
Best wishes for 4 Oct. I am going to do similar and go to place we liked and also stop off for a drink in his memory.
I haven’t done any of Andys clothes yet, not sure I’m ready for that yet - I like seeing them all in the wardrobes and drawers.
I have bought an antique memory box/chest that I’m going to restore then put all Andys special things in it - his favourite jumper,shirt. Tea mug, toothbrush, hairbrush. Special photos and anything else that I feel are special- tgat way I can keep them all safe & look at when I need to. I still wear one of his shirts, not washed it as it still smells of Andy.
Andys ashes are in pride of place on a large shelf halfway up the stairs - large photo of us both on the wall he had done and I have a led candle on all the time. I talk to him every time I pass.
I'm also wondering what to do at Christmas, its also my birthday, we used to spend it away and now I've no idea what I should do. I'm dreading it,but I guess it'll just be another painful day in the life of this nightmare.
