Feeing lost

Hi Jeanette!

Please be assured you are not alone in this. I too lost my husband to bowel cancer 8 weeks ago. I was so in denial that he would get better but wasn't to be. Like you and your husband we more or less did everything together too. He retired four years ago and at that time he got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes but we managed to work on that through diet and exercise going to the gym, playing badminton etc before covid came along and put a stop to everything. Then at the end of 2020 his cancer symptoms surfaced he got the tumour cut out (which according to his surgeon had been there for 3 years previously without showing symptoms) in January 2022 but it returned in May 2022 that was after I asked about him getting post surgery chemo incase anything was missed and was told it wasn't necessary. He had to go through more chemo and this eventually had to be withdrawn because kidney damage. He ended up having 4 bouts of sepsis and it was the 4th one along with the cancer that took him on the 23rd June this year. It's been 8 weeks  in for me as I said, between him passing and having his funeral but it feels like a lifetime. I can't tell you things will get better because I'm still going through it myself. Everyone greives differently but what you are experiencing just now I would say is normal. It's the mornings I find the hardest having to actually get out of bed and wonder why I need to get up but I do anyway get up and dressed even if it will mean just staring a 4 walls. We had such a great routine before he got ill and we more or less knew what we were doing on what days but this has all gone now. I can't cry just now. I just feel numb and empty. When he was going through his treatment I thought I would never stop crying and could do at the drop of a hat now though, it's just as though the pain is eating away inside me and I just want that one big `outburst` to get it all out but it's not happening. We were together for 40 years a long time. I could see him far enough at times and we had our arguments and disagreements but always made up and wondered what we were arguing about in the first place which would usually be something so trivial. The house is so quiet without him. So don't think its not normal to feel as you are. You can call the helplines here too if you feel you need to actually speak to someone. But on this forum we are all going through the same thing so can relate to one another. My best wishes to you.

Vicky x

Hello Vicky

I feel for you too. I don’t think I have accepted his passing yet. We were told the chemo was working then within 48 hours we were told to get our affairs in order. When we were left alone after this devastating news we both cried till there was nothing left. 8 weeks later he was gone. When I say to people I want to be with him they think I am going to do something to myself, but what I really mean is I want him back here with me because we have unfinished business here. We had plans for our future and now it’s all gone. Talking like this feels more free because I can type without interruptions or judgement. The loneliness, especially at night can be overwhelming and I forget he is gone. I hope to be able to talk in the future  without tears in my eyes even though it feels like it will never happen.

My best wishes to you too

Jeanette

Yes I am with you on that it can get lonely in the evenings and about the plans you had and wanted to do being so cruelly snatched away from you. Some nights I just sit here and still can't believe he's gone. It's as though he has just gone out to get diesel for the car or something and he'll be back soon but he's not coming back. I used to love being home on my own when he was here. His job meant that he may have had to work away a few days at a time and I got the place to myself without him ruling the TV remote and got the bed to myself etc but knew he would be coming back but this time he's not. Little things have happened over the last couple of weeks maybe things I've achieved on my own without him and he's not here for me to share them with. They say they see you `in spirit` but that's not the same as them actually being here. I just hope as time progresses, things will get better. Sending hugs and Best Wishes. 

Vicky