Empty house, empty life

Hi Longshanks. That sounds like a tough start to Saturday. With dismal weather too. Not sure what I can say that will help and won’t sound cliched, but hang on in there. We’re stronger than we know, and it does get easier bit by bit, albeit sometimes one step forwards and a few back.

I'm sorry you're going through this, tough times.....but hang in there, you might not think that it's going to get any better at the moment, but you will start to see chinks of light.....believe me, I had some dark days and just wanted to be with hubby and I just couldn't see the point of living without the love of my life....I'm only 4 months from losing him, but apart from a couple of blips I realised that I owed it to him, and myself, to live my life as he couldnt!....of course this doesn't help you and how you're feeling now!....but please talk to someone when you feel like this....the Samaritans were a great help to one of my friends when she felt as you do. One step at a time and be kind to yourself.

Longshanks,

I've taken the view, like many on here, that it's minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It's worked thus far. I also get what you're saying and feeling but my way through it is that I know a certain someone would be furious with me if I didn't/don't try to keep going.

Don't get me wrong, even after fourteen months, there are often moments when I fall apart and/or get really angry. But I know she'd be furious if I didn't try and do something.

Take care,

WDJ

Hi Longshanks!

Sorry you're going through this. I feel the same. It has been one week since I officially said `goodbye` to my dear husband Jay. I get it waking in the morning you realise your beloved is not there anymore. Things that maybe happen you can't share it with them anymore. An example my next door neighbours were going on holiday yesterday and I would be going in and telling him that that's them away now but I can't tell him things like that anymore. It's little things like that. Little incidents that happen like that he's not here for me to tell him now. Things on TV we used to watch together or laugh at or have an opinion on that's all gone too now. Every morning I wake up with a knot in my stomach and wonder if it's worth getting out of bed but I have a dog to walk so he needs to get out. Weirdly enough, the emptiness and silence hasn't phased me. I think because he worked away a lot and I was on my own most of the time anyway it feels no different just now I always knew he would be home but this time he's not coming back. My sister who has learning and mental health issues comes and stays over a couple of nights. She was staying here while Jay was going through his illness supposedly to help me out but I think I ended up doing most of it myself. She doesn't take the cue to do anything for you and you have to actually ask her to do something. She does walk the dog though so suppose that's something. She's a bit of company for me if nothing else and at the end of the day she is still my sister. In a horrible twist of fate she has received a letter back from a home bowel screening test she did last week. I had to help her with that although it's so simple to do she didn't know how to do it. Anyway she went home today which is within walking distance from me and picked up some mail and a letter with her result says further investigation is needed so now I'm thinking `not again`. She had breast cancer 4 years ago which was caught very early and cleared and she has yearly mammograms to monitor that which have so far been clear. I think its just bad timing considering I'm still trying to process Jay not being here. Hoping it's something other than what I am thinking as they say there are many reasons for traces of blood showing in poo. Don't know what I've done to God for him to do this to me. I wish you well. And all of us going through what we are just now. 

Vicky x

Hi Longshanks,

I'm sorry that you have to be here and I completely understand that sense of having no purpose any more, but don't give up. Reach out to someone like Griefline or Samaritans, they will be very sympathetic and helpful. I was very low in the early weeks & months once I had sorted all the necessary stuff out. I still miss my wife, Lin, so much and my heart still aches but, 18 months on, I have made new friends through local bereavement cafes and have my family close by. Hang in there as things will improve slowly with time and you will learn to cope with all the emotions of grief better. I still have days when I just sit and cry for a while but, like WDJ in his reply, I remind myself that one of Lin's last wishes was that she wanted me to be happy.

Stay strong.

Derek

Morning vicky

The stomach knot, the wanting to share stuff, but also with her arthritis and Fibromyalgia and cancer my wife moved into a small bungalow we'd had squeezed into the garden. (My parents never got to see it),so rattling around the house alone is not new to me. But it's still hard. I made a music video montage of our times and when low I watch that while crying and smiling.

Yesterday the bank transfered her life savings to me (I didn't even know she was saving for our retirement.  She told me before the coma took.her and apologised for wrecking our retirement. She'd planned it as.a suprise. She managed that). But the point is the act of her money being mine was a kick in the teeth and more confirmation she's not coming back ever to me).

People tell me it'll ease. I Hope so as this isn't living and it's beyond Me at the moment. There's no purpose to it, no reason and that's so hard. 

I nearly reached out over the weekend. But withdrew at last Monent. How do I tell if I'm just being an old woman or i have a problem (thats retorical). I've been a depressive all my adult life and that's not a good foundation to grief.

Anyway thanks for the kind words and noted.