Today I'm sad. My wonderful husband passed away 15 months ago and I've been so focused on helping the kids, being strong for everyone and just trying to keep going but today I'm just sad. I never imagined I'd be a widow in my 40s, 2 teen kids and everyone looking to me for an answer. I'm strong...that's what they all say, but really I'm not. I feel like everyone assumes that I'm OK and usually I am but not today. Today everything feels like alot. 6 weeks with the kids and helping them through their emotions, where I feel like I'm always saying or doing the wrong thing. Last years big school holidays we were all still numb, now I feel like I have to be super mum, when really I just want to curl up and scream how unfair it is. I didn't sign up for being a single parent. My friends try, but have no idea about grief. I thought about joining a grief group but when... my kids need me home and they are too old for babysitters but not wise enough to make good choices without adult guidance. I guess that's why I'm typing away tonight. I'm sad and I just needed to say it.
I feel your pain and send lots of love to you. My husband died 12 weeks ago and I’m really feeling it today too. Everyone tells me how amazing and strong I am but I’m heartbroken and just trying to get through each day xx
Just officially became a widow last Monday. I say officially because my husband's funeral was just last Friday (14th July) so before all that I still considered him `here` although he passed on the 23rd June. But now since his funeral has past he is gone. I wake up in the morning and wonder if it's worth getting out of bed and realise he's not here anymore. He fought bowel cancer for almost two years and at one point beating it getting the all clear only for it to decide to come back and get him for a 2nd time within months and decided it was taking him this time. Being on my own doesn't phase me at the minute because his job meant he had to be away from home a lot but I knew he would be coming back but this time he's not. The house is just so quiet. The TV would be on 24/7 and he was one of those people he would just sit and channel surf watch anything and everything even stuff he maybe watched a hundred times over. I hardly have the TV on now- well during the day at least. I have my son who lives not far from me with his partner and little girl so I do get to do `grandma duties` now and again. I have an older sister also who has learning and mental health difficulties. She lives within walking distance from me so comes along and stays a couple of nights with me. She lives in sheltered accommodation on her own so we're company for one another. She's not great company because of her illness and needs to be actually prompted to do things other than ask me if there is anything that needs done. She relies on me for a lot of things and I don't think she actually `gets` what I am going through just now. It's hard to say if she is feeling sad, happy etc because she can be so emotionless at times and empathy is not one of her strong points. I just feel really `lost` just now as how I should be feeling, where I should be going or where I should be. Had well meaning people come up to me at his funeral saying I should do this that or the other but and then some saying they'll keep in touch etc but sometimes you take that with a pinch of salt. A couple of them have though. One of Jay's nephews ( his late brother's son) phoned me earlier this week just checking in how I was and says he still has an `Aunt Vicky` so that was nice of him to say and he's in his early 50's. I'm 60 so he's like a little brother to me other than a nephew and his brother who is just in his 40's. My husband Jay was 69 so just missed out on his 70th birthday. It's going to be hard for me but I think at the moment it is just taking things a day at a time. My best wishes to you.
