So, Woke up this morning to realise that I am now officially a widow and have to contemplate my new life without my beloved Jay (my husband). Although he passed 4 weeks ago it still felt as though he was `here` but now we got his funeral out the way last Friday it is now `official` to me that he is no longer on this earth. Still feel `lost` as to how I should be feeling, but I know this will be like this for a while and I will hopefully through time learn to deal with it. Went out in the car today for the first time in about 3 weeks to do some errands and then came back and decided to clean out the inside. My husband unfortunately was not the tidiest of people and our car resembled a `dustbin on wheels` at times don't know how many empty water and juice bottles I found under the seats as well as food wrappers in the side pockets
. I felt a bit better after I did it as I hadn't actually been out over the weekend at all. I guess I'm going to have days like this at the beginning. It's just feeling now anything funny or unusual that happens I don't have him now to share it with like if something comes on TV we used to laugh at or if something came on the news on TV he would usually have a comment about it. These are the little things I will miss. I plan to begin some de-cluttering this week not any of his stuff yet but just stuff that I feel won't serve a purpose any longer. I think the key is just now is to try to keep busy doing something even if it is just little things to begin with things I've always been getting round to doing but never have that sort of thing. I had a letter from the Gas today and it had both our names on it so phoned them and asked them to change the acoount into my sole name only. These will still come probably from time to time and I know this may upset me but hopefully they will get less and less as time goes on. I got the well meaning people come up to me on Friday saying I should try being this way or that way and how they will `keep in touch` and give me a phone every now and then but people will just have gone back to their own lives and have their own routines they have so we'll see how all that materialises. I have mixed feelings for the future I am scared, excited and anxious all rolled into one, but I think if I take my time I will get there and just hope he's somewhere around still guiding me.
Vicky x
