Yesterday was the worst day yet. I had to organise the funeral director, register the death, and know that today marks one week. My daughter came with me, thank god, and I treated us to a nice lunch out. Then, over fancy (& expensive) pizza, I learnt the curse of bad luck still hangs on me like flies on a 
.
My sons support financially to pay the dog carer who lets the dogs out while I work is not finite. So I'm facing a £400 a month bill, £200 of which J covered. I can't do it. I tried to kid myself I could, but I couldn't. So Maisey (already rehomed twice) Monty (his vast collection of balls) and my shadow Lucy must go. Be rehomed, which on top of everything is heartbreaking. It means the house will be dead, devoid of life when I come home from work and weekends. My shadow little Lucy will be gone. I won't interact with anyone in depth at work, and I'll come home to a silent dead house. For weeks, I won't see or speak to another living creature. I will be alone to feel the loss of my wife and my pets. I know now I can't cope even with the thought and want more than ever to curse the god that's doing this to me. I lost Dad to dementia and a stroke. My mum is lost to me by the curse that is altzimers and my darling wife to the satanic cancer. He has worked to carve a hell like existence for me where I live alone and have no physical contact.
I learnt the mortgage has expired, and the house has depreciated in value (thanks Mr putin) so I'm waiting to see what the bank decided. If I have to sell it, it will be at a lot less, and I'm looking at living in a static caravan.
I think I'm coming to the end of my tether and can't see any real reason for drawing breath. I can cope with the fiscal stuff, but the empty house, breaking my bedside, promises to my darling wife to care for her dogs, the soul sucking loneliness...... it's becoming too much .... finally 
Please, no platitudes, I can see the reality for what it is. I know now that the last few years have been a long-term goal to drive me to this point and to totally destroy me. My darling had to a far too higher price for my destruction, but I can see it now for what it is. I'm cursed
My dog walkers stepped up and the dogs get to stay
