Grief 7 months on and getting harder

Hi  @Ohmydays I don't think I can be much help, I'm at an earlier stage to you. But it's great you've put something here, because you're not the only one. Of course you feel rage and despair and jealousy! You did everything for your partner and now she's not here. It's just not fair (to put it in polite terms). And I recognise all those comments which are meant kindly but are worse than meaningless.

My suggestion for what it's worth is that you find someone to talk to in-person - maybe a counsellor or a bereavement group at your local hospice. Our hospice does a Living with Grief course. I know that means being with people, but you'll be with people who really get what's happening for you. Whatever, keep trying to be kind to yourself - I'm pretty sure that's what she would have wanted. Sending you a virtual hug.

Hey LovingHeart thank you for your reply.  I’ll check out the hospice but that feels quite hard as she/we had, sadly, a really difficult time there but I will.  Connecting with people who are ‘in the club’ feels needed.  I’ve been through many bereavements but this is on another level and cognitively I know why.  It’s the visceral pain which is so hard.  I have a counsellor who has been and is a steady support she’s been my supervisor for many years so knows me/my life and is a good space but I recognise perhaps not enough. I don’t wish to be ‘medicated’ which is what well meaning people and busy GPS suggest st. And thank you - I think reaching out online is part of those steps to being kind so thank you so much for comment and virtual hug.  Felt and received

Hi Ohmydays

Reading your post I could have written it myself, lots of similarities with many things you say. 9 months on for me and I can't bear every day. I've never wished negativity on anyone but I'm so angry and sick of people with their insensitivity that I'm starting to think i wish u knew my pain, you wouldn't say such things or behave that way. 

I'm sorry for your loss I hope you find something that can help.

1. Sending strength

Hey thanks PBD7 glad it resonates, good to hear.  And I’m sorry for your grief too…it’s a tough ‘club’ to find oneself in for sure.   It’s so tough, I’m usually very laid back and peaceful but yup the rage at people’s words.  I’m journaling which I think helps, somewhere to vent and reflect and contain the feelings.  I have moments of imagining being unfiltered but I’m too polite!  I end up just feeling awkward and inauthentic, although awkward is a regular feeling I’ve had since this whole new chapter/identity began

sending strength to you too 

I lost my civil partner 7 weeks ago. we were together for 32 years. I hear exactly what you are saying, the pain is immense. I look at all the other couples we know and they are so happy, not a care in the world and I am filled with rage. My head is filled with thoughts of why wasnt it you, why was it uS I obviously feel very ashamed of these thoughts because I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but it just feels so unfair.People will tell you that you have to get out, you have to stay connected with people etc, well sorry, I disagree. You dont have to do anything you dont want to. I am happily an introvert, I dont need to be around people and I dont want to be. I am so thankful for the internet because I can maintain friendships and connections but on my terms, at a distance! Hope that doesnt make me sound weird! haha! I miss her so much ever minute of every day but being true to myself, not trying to live a life that is alien to me, is helping. I am at home on my own with my little dog, and for me that is incredibly healing. Sending you massive hugs xxx

Hey crystalwitch, no you don’t sound weird and it is so painful.  32 years that’s amazing and of course you miss her.   I too hunker down with my 2 dogs and acknowledge that without them I’m not sure where I’d be.   I feel ashamed too at my thoughts and feelings to people who mean well and have zero tolerance or capacity to listen to other people’s joy or things they got up to.  I feel a writhing ball of envy and jealousy at times, a lot of the time.   And I can’t cope with couples and all that they have and have turned down every offer to come and share a meal that well intentioned people have offered.  Too painful going, too painful being with and too painful to leave so much easier, safer to stay home.  And you’re so right to there are no shoulds or oughts.  If connecting is too painful then don’t.  As you write there are other ways to connect and to be honest this has felt the safest connection I have shared,

massive hugs and thank you.  It is so good to read your words.