Delayed grief?

Hi, I am also 20 months in and have just started counselling.  I had counselling 3 months after Rob died and Looking back it didnt help me.

I began to feel really low this year and decided on the counselling.  lots to get through, lots if ‘what ifs’, lots of anger, why him?, lots of guilt, did I do enough for Rob. Why didnt I spend more tine with him after he died.

I have good support from friends but felt I needed to be able to discuss how I was really feeling without hiding my true feelings and thought.

Ive only had 2 sessions so far so cant really say if its helping but just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out to somebody who didnt  know Rob.

Take care

Chelseabluegirl

Hi Chelseabluegirl

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I have considered counselling again, but not sure who to approach. I feel that I should just be 'getting on with things' but just don't have the energy most of the time. Everyone loves the Spring  (including me usually) because its a time of positivity and rebirth (in nature). I just think of all the things we would be doing, but won't be. I promised myself when my husband was ill that I wouldn't dwell on 'what might have been' because its destructive, but at the moment I cant help myself. I am also so sad that he won't see his two grandchildren grow up - he was 69 - and feel that whilst other people have that joy, he won't. I know there are many others who are much younger that never get to see milestones in life , so I should be so grateful for what he did experience.

Sorry for rambling on again, I will try to be more positive ( which I have been until recently). I feel my eldest daughters marriage breaking up is playing a part in all this, but I can't tell her that, she is going through such a tough time and I am always there for her and my youngest daughter too.

Thank you again,

love

Lynne (Llamalover) x

Hi Lynne, I think you can refer yourself fir counselling via McMillan, worth checking out via website.  Also another source is Cruse, again their website will tell you whats available.

understand what you said about your daughter, similar at this end too.

Take care

G

Hi 

First of all  NEVER APOLOGISE for how you’re feeling and trust me - that is not a long post  Find some of mine ha ha 

Im sorry you’re feeling  so low  My crash came at Christmas(14 months after I lost my hubby) and I relented and got counselling which up until that point I advocated but didn’t think I needed. Apparently I’m suffering from “Unresolved grief” now. Dave was having treatment for over two years (with a year in the middle when we were told the cancer had gone ) so like you I also had anticipatory grief 

For  the most part - and to the outside world- I am doing ok but dealing with issues that before would not have phased me at all now feel like climbing a mountain. Since the counselling I’m trying new methods to handle this - like writing a diary- which is as if I was telling everything to Dave or allowing myself to have a sad day and not feeling like by doing that I’m letting Dave down. 

I think that as times goes on that this is the new reality  We are widows and we have to learn how to live a new life as that   It’s going to be a long road for all of us but with each others support we will do it 

Take care of yourself 

J x 

Hi Jillybean,

Thanks so much for replying to my post and apologies for not replying sooner! I seem to have had a hectic few weeks, which is good in some ways, but exhausting in others! I know how you feel about issues not phasing you before. When my husband was ill I seemed to deal with everything because I had to, I suppose. Now, sometimes, I feel like everything is just 'crowding my brain' and all gets a bit much at times. Just daily being on my own and having to think what needs doing next in the house - decorating, gardening (which I have help with) and the relentless paying of the bills. 

As you say, this is the new reality and we are widows (how I hate that word), and just have to deal with life with whatever it throws at us. I decided not to go to group therapy meetings which were offered by a local hospice. I would rather just talk to one person. However, I haven't enquired about that yet either. 

I'm hoping that everything improves for all of us in this situation.....eventually.

Take care and keep well,

love

Llamalover (Lynne) xx

Hi, I  just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this. My partner died recently and I'm feeling 'ok' which makes me wonder when I will crash - because surely that's got to happen. So knowing how it's been for you and the others who've commented is really really helpful. I'm sorry you've feeling so bad, and hope it's not too hard for you to navigate this next part. Thanks again, take care x

I've just realised that Jillybean that that is what I need to class myself as now. When filling in forms etc somtimes they ask about your marital status so it will be `widow` I'll b putting down if filling out forms like that. Luckily I have a son to help me sort out some of the things his dad dealt with in the past things to do with the car for instance. Where do I take it for an MOT as being femaile its easier for me to get ripped off stuff like that. Jay though used the same garage every year for that. So i'll probably keep using that one but my son is good that way and he says anything I need help with regarding stuff like that he will help me. It's just going to be so strange to adjust and will take time  I know but just have to hope I can get through it all. 

Vicky xx

Hi Vicky. 
The first time I had to select “widow” as an option I was sat at my laptop for ages with the cursor hovering over the box. For me that one hasn’t got any easier- it’s like a reminder every time. I had a weird one last week though Married, Single or Divorced. From my stance I am married but legally I’m not sure what is the correct option. 

Im glad you have your son to help you. I am lucky too with that, as my son is a mechanic, but can remember from before the attitude of some garages who just assume that because you’re a woman they can tell you anything.

I’m nit good at asking for help, as I’m normally the one that sorts things for others but I am getting better at it. Having to realise that I can’t do everything on my own. 

Take care 

Jillian

Hello,

I have only just read the most recent posts, so apologies for not replying sooner. I am feeling better at the moment, and still trying to stay optimistic and positive, not always easy. I think its when the realisation that this a permanent and not temporary situation is when it hits hardest. I sometimes have a moment when I look at my husband's photo and say  'why aren't you here to help me with all this??' as if he's to blame, when he obviously isnt! 

Its hard to say what sets me off having a bad day, but sometimes just a reminder that I wasn't expecting - for instance a couple of days ago I bumped into one of the health care assistants that helped with Roy and she asked how we were and I honestly could say I was ok, because that's how I felt, but then when I walked in the house, all of it came back to me in waves of just how ill he had been before he died. How he wasn't the person we all  knew and loved and that nothing was under his control, just how the awful disease made him.

Just try to remember the good times, the healthy times and always have something to look forward to, all helps I find.

We need lots of time to grieve and it has so many stages, just have to go with it sometimes and let ourselves have good and bad days.

Sorry, gone on again, and this was just meant to be a short post.

Lots of love, take care,

Lynne (LLamalover).. (no I dont have any llamas I just like them)