Help - finding it hard to cope

Jodie97, its still very early days for you, try to be kind to yourself and take time.
I'm almost 6 months since I lost my Husband Andy and sorry but it doesn't get any easier. I do find little ways to cope each hour, then I have a moment of just floods of tears, I shout, rant and I'm so angry but it's all normal.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with Andy's cremains and the funeral director just rocked up with him one day to our house and asked if I was ready to have him home. I couldn't really turn him away could I! 
I actually find it comforting, knowing he is home with us all now. I haven't hidden him away, he is on a shelf halfway up the stairs and I have a battery candles switched on at the side of him all the time. He's underneath a huge photo canvass Andy had done of us both a number of years ago. Not a shrine but it helps me, as I talk to him every time I pass him.

I also started to write in a journal daily, I still do now - not for everyone I know but certainly helps me keep him close and write down how I'm feeling or what i have been up to.

I hope you have some support around you, reach out to Macmillan for counselling, I still have mine that now I speak to about every 3 weeks and it does help a little. 
keep coming back here too, we are all here to support each other as we all belong to the group nobody wanted to join.

C xxx

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you Claireh, I also have a battery candle by his photo in the hall. I have a canvas picture in the bedroom,  & i say good morning to him each day. It's those kind eyes that look back at me, which was what attracted me to him 11 years ago.

I do see someone, like you it's every 3 weeks & I'm seeing her next week. I'm afraid I've never been kind to myself,  when I was younger my mother told me off saying that i was selfish . I've never been selfish, others have always been in the centre of my life. 

Jodie97 it’s been 5 months since husband died.  I have his ashes still on the coffee table in the sitting room and have no intention of burying them at the moment and talk to him every day.

There are some days when go to sleep crying and wake up the same.  I’m good at putting on a front when out in company but as soon as driving or arriving home the river starts.  There’s at least one day a week agree where isolate

I feel so angry with the local medical practice he went way over a year before being diagnosed with bowel cancer as he was told originally when when saw Doc it was piles. If treatment had been done then he would still be here.

Jodie 97; My beautiful husband passed 1 year  3 days ago, There are times I’m still a complete mess, We as family spent last week with him at hospice five ashes,I too struggled to get his ashes but my daughter went with me he’s up on my shelf and I talk to him,I still struggle to get my head round never seeing him again, so you are completely normal, I to say sorry it doesn’t get any easier I sometimes find it harder,I have photo of his beautiful smiling face on my door and kiss him good night sometimes it makes me sob as I long to kiss hold him just be with him, But we have to give ourselves time to learn to live differently on our own, my Alan filtered me as I talk things through with him that upset me, now I sometimes say wrong things and it’s just how it goes, Most people understand how hard it is for us,I too find it comforting to have his ashes hear,

Yes I too write to him in book not every day now but on hard days I write it down to get it out my head,This is my first time reaching out as I’ve not felt I could do it, But I think we help each other as we understand how each other feels, love and hugs to you all. 

Thank you all, it's nice to hear, what I feel is normal and others feel the same has me. 

It's people who have not lost someone close, look at you strangely. 

Hi Jodie97

Take time to grieve, to be angry, to cry, but also take time to take care for yourself.

I clearly remember going to the funeral directors to collect my husband's cremains... I hadn't properly cried when my husband died as I felt so numb and I had to be strong, organise the funeral and sort paperwork. But, the emotion that hit me as I walked into our house carrying my husband's ashes and saying aloud " you're home" I sat with his tube of cremains in my arms and sobbed. 

The tube now resides in my bedroom... they can stay with me till I am ready to join him and we can be scattered somewhere together.

I had purchased a special tube for the ashes to be put into, I also requested a small amount to be put into a container which I could access. I have since used some of the latter to be used into memorial jewellery.

Time doesn't heal, our grief and our love remains strong, but we do learn to live with the grief, learn how to cope and to face all the reminders that inevitably arise.

It's okay to cry and to be angry at the unfairness of it all,  but it's also okay to look after yourself.

Take care

Mym x