I'm trying to be strong

Hi Jodie97, 

Thank you for reaching out on the Online Community, I'm Eliza from the Online Community team. 

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you have been finding comfort from reading through other posts in the group. I hope that someone who has been through a similar experience will respond to your post soon.

Alongside the Online Community, I'd also just like to help you find specialist bereavement support if this would be helpful at the moment. At A Loss are a national UK bereavement charity. You can use their search feature to find local bereavement services close to you. They have a webpage on looking after yourself when you have been bereaved which might have some helpful guidance. This webpage includes details about Griefchat, which is their free online chat with a trained grief counsellor. It’s available Monday – Friday, 9am – 9pm, and may be helpful during this time. 

If you would like any further help finding the right support or if you have questions about the Online Community, please get in touch with us over email to community@macmillan.org.uk.

Take care,

Hi Jodie97,

So sorry for your loss and that you have had to join our group. It is now 1½ years since my wife, Lin, died and in the early weeks and months the pain of losing her was very intense. Like you, I used to wake every morning with a feeling of deep sadness and a feeling like I had a knot in my stomach. That has slowly improved with time but I still get mornings most weeks when I wake up with that knot in the stomach wishing she was still here with me.

About 3 months after Lin died I decide to try bereavement counselling, which I found very helpful and it lasted for 10 months. It was weekly for the first 3-4 months, then went to fortnightly for about 2 months and finally 3-weekly until it finished at the beginning of January. It was done through our local hospice, whose care Lin was under, and was tailored to how they believed you were coping. I would definitely recommend it but it is not right for everyone.

And I get the guilt feeling too but I always think that our lost loved one would want us to be happy. However, I still feel guilty sometimes.

I would still do or give anything to have her back in my life but I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that it won't happen. It is still tough to take at times but I feel that I am slowly learning to cope better with my grief.

I hope that helps in some way.

Stay strong,

Derek

Hi Jodie

So sorry to hear what you and your husband have been through.

4weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with kidney cancer that has spread to other areas , the spine being the worse , she is now paralysed from the waist down , she is now home and I am her carer for now the pain she is in is horrible .she was given 6mths to live but with treatment ( immunotherapy) could be extended , seeing her in pain is the worse thing

Jeffman 

Hi Jeffman,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I understand were you coming from about " that it's hard watching them in so much pain". You have only a short time to come to terms with everything that's going on.

With Paul he was first diagnosed with kidney cancer In 2013, February 2014 he had his right kidney removed. On & off we managed to keep it at bay with tablets. A few times it had spread, again we managed it. Until 2021 he started to complain about his back, he had tumor in two places. After having one removed and he had to wear neck brace & chest support so he he could not move his neck. Within 12 weeks it came back, because of that he could not have immunotherapy. So they tried a different cancer drug, which was like having chemo. 

In all of this he spent a lot of time a sleep and had other operation in 2022, appendicitis & gall bladder. We did make a joke of it, saying there can't be anything left to take out on the right side.

It is horrible seeing them in pain, I still hear him saying words that I can't repeat.  

I started grieving for Paul when things got worse, I miss talking & hearing his voice. I even broke down in a gift shop who had a hand sculpture.  We managed to have our hands moulded together which was the best thing I've got. 

He was just getting his pension & we made plans of what we would do. That's all you can do is make plans & hope they happen. 

This is not what people like to talk about, but Paul & I had made & paid for our funeral. We made arrangements together so I did not have to think about it when the time came. It did make things easier. 

Take care of yourself, this goes to you all who have written on this post.My thoughts are with you all.

Hi Derek,

I have been going too our local hospice for a chat, even before Paul passed away. I was struggling with his illness and losing our connection together.

I do find it useful and it helps me. Thank you for your response. 

Wishing you all the best for the future & hope you find peace in your surroundings. Xx

Hi Jeffman Yes the pain they go though is tough to watch but please make sure the pain is manage by meds my husband had lung cancer asbestos related worst possible one, He was in constant pain and should not have been,He passed last year he did get offered immunotherapy but was to I’ll to get it, We heard some good stuff about it, Thinking of you and your wife, 

Hi Jeffman Yes watching them in pain is the worst,My husband had Lung Cancer asbestos related the worst possible he could get, The pain he was in was heartbreaking, But please make sure her meds get rid of pain he was told it should be managed,It took a while for them to get it right unfortunately he passed last year. He was offered immunotherapy but was to ill to have it but we heard good things about it, I hope you have support hospice are wonderful so reach out, Thinking of you and your wife.

Thank you for saying all that I'm 49 and going through the same thing but mine is so aggressive I've only a few months left so I only got yold 2 weeks ago and I'm struggling to keep strong for my family sake. I thought the feelings that I do feel that I was the only one.  So thank you fir sharing this us the first time on this site and thing it really going to help me thank you x

We are here for you. To support you through the pain that we go all  through, even though we think it's just us.

We are here for you to try and express what you feel, I know it's hard to write things down, I know I have trouble to express & put it into words.