First birthday without my husband

My birthday is coming up soon - and to make things worse it’s on Valentine’s Day (not that we ever really subscribed to the commercialism of that day) - and I am really dreading it. Claire passed on 3rd December from a really aggressive GBM so I am just over 7 weeks into my journey of grief. I just know that I am going to be a complete wreck on my first birthday without her and probably many more birthdays to come. It is just so painful going through this 

Our anniversary is Valentine's Day and it hurts every year. This year I need to be at the hospital for 8am with my father so that will be a distraction.   

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Lonely panda,

All the firsts are hard, I'm 2 months in, in that time I've had his birthday, Christmas, new year, and my 40th Birthday which my birthday was the worst as we had planned to go and stay in a hotel together so it definitely hit hard. In 2 weeks it's our daughters 9th birthday and I'm dreading it, we always had a party with family and this year I really don't want to but I know I have to for my daughter.

Take one day at a time, be kind to yourself.

Remember we are all here for you.

My birthday has definitely broken me. Chris and I were together for 28 years and he made every birthday so special. To not get a card or birthday kiss from him just broke my heart all over again.

I haven't stopped crying since Monday. I know Chris would be devastated to see me this upset.

It's so hard as we should have been celebrating my birthday in Las Vegas but instead I'm at home alone. My friends are all at work, I have no family and feel so lonely.

I loved the life we had, so much love and laughter. I feel that I'm existing, not living a life.

Hello Lonely Panda, 

Your husband sounds so  wonderful and caring, someone always there for you. That's so special . I am very sorry for your loss.  

My husband passed away 16 weeks ago.  I am working from home and every time I stop he's there. He looked after the house, me and the kids whilst I worked, just loving to look after us. He absolutely loved music, always new stuff plus the old. Now I am listening to his tunes at lunch time. I am working full time so less time to think. 

It sounds as though you could do with some more company especially during the week if your friends are working. There is the website way up UK which has chats, zoom calls and meet ups and only for people who have lost their partners.

Otherwise someone always listening here xxxx

I'll take a look at WAY Up. Thank you for the suggestion.

I did start a phased return to work just before Christmas and find it very difficult as it was a new job I'd only started 9 weeks before my Chris became ill, so not only am I trying to learn a new job but also deal with the crippling grief. They have been so supportive but I'm struggling to find the point of working besides needing to pay the bills.

I am off work this week as it was time we'd booked off for my birthday and I had still take it or lose the annual leave.

Chris had taken early retirement 6 years ago at age 52 and so for 6 years he'd looked after me, the home, all the cooking etc whilst I worked. I felt fortunate to have a job where I can work from home so was so used to him making me cups of tea, having a walk in my lunch break together.  I miss him so much, our chats, we were always laughing and enjoyed every minute we spent together.

I have so many hobbies with which I used to fill my time when not working, but have no enthusiasm.

I'm sorry for being so negative. Chris told me to keep going, however hard it seemed to keep pushing through so our love carried on but I'm having a real struggle and I know this is a place where I can pour my heart out and people will understand.

Rachael xx

Lonely Panda,

It's not my birthday that is looming but that of my wife's. It's one of those too that would be have been deemed to be a 'big' one. I'm just not sure how I'm going to be to be honest. Time will tell I guess.

A hug? Yes, I get what you mean. I'd do anything to wrap my arms around my wife again. It can be so hard. I sometimes stand in the kitchen and just imagine. For whatever reason we'd sometimes 'dance' in there just going around in a circle. 

I find it interesting that you use 'adored' to describe your husband's affection toward you. The same word was used by someone to describe mine toward my wife. And I did, I simply adored her.

We need to continue to try our best. It is however very hard at times.

Take care,

WDJ

I really do appreciate your response, just knowing there are others who are going through the same emotions, thoughts and feelings does help to ease my fears ever so slightly, but how I wish none of us were in this position.

I am sure your wife knew how much you adored her and she would have felt so blessed. I told my husband I knew how much he loved and adored me, and that I was truly honoured that he picked me to share his life and love with.  His last words to me were, "I love you my beautiful wife".

Later this year would have been a 'big' birthday for my husband. It's just so sad that we will mark the day with memories rather than celebrating with them.  I know that our loved ones would be truly blessed that we will carry on loving them, missing them and remembering them forever more.