Question for the long standing members

Hi Jillybean,

Like you, I am now in the second year since my Lin died in Nov 2021, and I echo everything you have said. I have been having counselling since last February and have found it a great help. I always feel unburdened of the grief after a counselling session and I think it is because you can be more open about your feelings with someone who is not friend or family. I did find it harder this Christmas, probably because I was so busy sorting things out in the lead up to last Christmas. And, like Tellin, I still get that sickly feeling, a sort of anxiety perhaps, in my stomach on many a day when waking up and realising it is another day without the love of my life.

I am trying to be positive in my outlook, I've had my bathroom completely revamped and I have an extension in the offing. I am also looking at joining some groups, such as health walks and U3A' so I will see how that goes. In my local area the council has installed "Chatter Benches" specifically for those that are lonely. The idea is that you sit on this chatter bench and hopefully someone will stop and have a chat. Unfortunately the day I tried it I ended up in conversation with someone who was in a very poor mental state, so I ended up doing the counselling, and afterwards I felt worse than when I had sat down, so have given that a miss in recent weeks.

It is so hard to look forward to a future without the one person that I had planned to be for the rest of my life. I have to try, as LIn told me she wanted me to be happy, so I am going to do my best to honour that wish, even though it is a massive challenge.

Take care and stay strong,

Derek

Hi Terry 

Less than a month between the losses of our souses. I’m as really struggling with sleep and hav just been given a few sleeping tablets. I’ve taken them for two night and I have to say that I felt a bit better today. Lack of sleep can have such a massive impact on your whole outlook and state of mind. I’m not advocating this for everyone but may be something to consider (via your GP of course) 

As a couple we used ti really enjoyed food and I cooked up something delicious most days- but what’s the point when there isn’t anyone to appreciate it? I did it for my man ️ Now my meals are simple, quick and boring. 
Im never sure about the moving. For me it’s absolutely not an option. My Dave was actually born in this house and he died in this house. Fortunately for us Daves end came quite quickly once he was released from hospital- the medical equipment all arrived in the Wednesday afternoon and by the following Saturday morning Dave was gone. Yes for that time out lounge bacme his sick room but the company can and collected the equipment so quickly afterwards that I can almost block that out of my min and can focus on the 25 happy years we had in the house  

I think each person’s circumstances are different and you need to do what feels right for you - if yoh feel your daughter is right then let her help up but if you don’t the di t be talked into it. Only YOU knows what is right for you. 
Taje your time and take care of yourself 

Jillian

My husband died in August last year so only just over four months ago.  You have all written so eloquently about how you are/have been feeling I felt I had to comment.

My grief and loss completely overwhelms me at times.  I also have anxiety issues which I have had for a long time but increased greatly since losing Steve.  We were together for 44 years, he was 69.  I know I have so much to be grateful for and have a loving and supportive family but as soon as I get back indoors the tears start, and so hard to think about a new year without him.

Jillybean, how wonderful to find all those white feathers.  My daughter and grandchildren are convinced that when they see a robin it is Dad/Grandad saying hello and letting them know he is there.  My son, not so convinced.  I have to believe he is sending some sort of sign he is with us still.

I just wanted to send love and hugs to you all.

Christine xx

Hi Jillian, 

There is a website for bereaved partners called Wayup based in the UK with local  face to face meet up sessions. Members are newly grieved but seems mostly people who have lost their partners over longer time scales. 

I joined but live near Barcelona so not local though they seem to have zoom sessions too. I find it easier to post on this website for now. 

It is lovely you get those feather greetings. My daughter and I say Juan Luis is visiting us when we see this sweet little lizard out in the back terrace at night time! 

I belong to Way Up and depending where you live there are outings, lunches etc.  Sadly my area there is not a lot going on, seems Northerners are mor sociable!  

I have joined in some Xoom meetings which was fun.

I went away to Warners recently with 109 others and met some really nice people.

Def worth a try if anybody is looking to make new friends or just have a little social time

Hi.  
I’d never  heard of way up before but have just submitted my application to join.

I have also been referred for “unresolved grief” counselling which should start in about 6-8weeks so I’ll see how that goes. 
Take care everyone 

Jillian 

Hi,

It's just over 5 years since I lost my husband, so I guess I am a long standing member!

I definitely found the second year harder than the first, and a friend who'd been widowed a year earlier said the same.

I think it's because in the first year you expect it to be hard. You have a lot of practical things to do, and those around you know you're grieving. After the first year, I think there is an assumption that we'll feel better, both on our own part as well as others. Actually, I think the second year is when reality sinks in. We don't have the same practicalities to deal with, and friends and family have rightly gone back to living their lives.

I would say don't expect too much of yourself, and certainly don't feel like you're letting your husband down. You've made it through the first year, well done you! Losing a spouse is hard. I think I thought I'd be all sorted by year two. Wow, how naive was I! Just take little steps forward each day. It sounds as though you might need to just take care of yourself right now, grief is exhausting. You've taken a step in reaching out both here and the hospice, that's good.

One of the things I was told is that grief is not linear, i.e. we go up and down. I thought I was going to make steady, continual progress even if it was slow at times. I had accounted for going backwards at times! 

It will get easier, not always easy, but definitely easier. I have learned to cope in lots of ways but I'm still learning! I had counselling through Cruse after I lost my Mum a couple of years ago. I think coping with 2 major losses just got too much. It was really helpful, and if you don't get help through the hospice, I would recommend you contact them.

Sending you a virtual hug, and some hope for the future. X

I have just been accepted as  member. Thank you for the recommendation 

Thank you for your reply. It helps just to know that how I’m feeling is “normal” I think  you’re right about it really sinking in now- everyone  else is getting back to normal and on with their lives while I just feel lost. 
I have realised that I need to have some time for me and I have made my family aware of this too (although my mum has been saying this to me for quite a while)

I will bear Cruse in mind. I think the Dr mentioned those too so if I don’t get any joy with the hospice I will contact them. 
Thank you again 

Jillian 

I understand were you coming from