Question for the long standing members

Hi jillybean I lost Lynne in September 21and really nothing has changed I still have that sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time, I still struggle sleeping and I don't enjoy food at all, in fact I don't get any joy out of anything, family and friends just act normal laughing and joking and, well just being normal but I can't, I don't want to do anything I just don't look forward to anything, I still find myself apologising to Lynne if something on the telly is funny and I laugh for a split second then quickly stifle it ,I retired in 21 to look after Lynne so I am just existing not living, my daughter thinks my life would improve if I moved which I am considering so will just have to see what time brings                                            best wishes terry 

Hi Jillybean74,

I am not a long standing member, but I am exactly 1 year behind you as my husband died Oct 3rd 2022, so 3 months ago. 

I wonder if all these recent weeks Xmas, New Year, this supposed jolly family time take an  extra toll as they reinforce our loneliness and sense of loss. Having holiday  gives full time to think about our partners, how they cared for us,  how together you have the energy to get things done, remember life shared and the missing future . The clock ticks slower, and each day  you have less energy. 

Reactivating your counselling sounds a great idea. I guess if you can get back to work you will get distracted. 

I have arranged a buffet lunch on Saturday with a few close family and friends to remember my husband and share a digital book we prepared The funeral was done after 3 days  as we are in Spain so will be good to remember again. Not getting much help though as daughter away til Friday and son back for a few days but often in bed or on his mobile. I know what you mean about people around not really knowing what you are going through. 

Your husband Dave sounds a lovely man and so kind not wanting you to be sad. I am so sorry for you. I guess this grief you have now even though later is so strong as you have bravely faced a whole year without him and it's caught up with you. 

I read we won't ever recover from our loss but learn better to live with it.

Lots of love xxx

Hello Jillybean

My short answer is yes, the second year is as hard and at times harder than the first. I’m a year ahead of you- I lost my husband in October 2020. There are still days when the pain is unbearable, and not always the days you expect to be hard. One of my oldest friends found herself in the same position as me at a similar time and we have discussed this on several occasions. 

I would also say that I’ve found the grieving process exhausting- not just the practical side of running the house but the emotional side of things can wipe me out too.

So take care, take time and I’d say, try not to worry about the timescale. There is no right way to go through this. 
Sending hugs and strength

Jane

x

hi, I know exactly how you feel, I’m the same and have also reached out for counselling again.  I had some a year ago but I think it was too early after Rob died.  I thought I was doing well but last few months I have been so sad and cry every day, I feel i’m back to square 1 again.

Maybe it’s the dark nights, awful weather and being expected to enjoy Christmas and New Year.

Hi there,

I can't read and not comment, your words are so true.

It will be 2 years in the 19th January since Rob died. I have had time when I thought I was doing ok or just accepting what I am feeling is normal. But this last couple of months I have struggled, got through Xmas just me and the dog, bullied myself to go out each day, but new year wasn't so good, slept most of it again.

I am going on holiday for the anniversary of his death, booked it ages ago knowing I couldn't relive everything over and over, was unbearable last year. Now I don't want to go, feel guilty, no energy no point going if I sleep it away 

I did spend so much time "doing" after Rob died, it gave me a purpose, and was doing it for him, now everything is done I am left feeling useless, empty and very very sad.

At 55 years old, I feel 90.

Any way night for now, but you are not alone.

Donna

Thank you for your reply. I think it’s the exhaustion  that is really getting to me. I’ve never been one to sit down - we were always doing something - lots of countryside walks. I’ve decided I’m going to reach out to a walking group as I need to get back out hiking and it’s joy the same on your own. I’m not good at meeting new people but I’m going to give it a go 

Waiting to hear back about counselling 

Hi Jillybean.  I've wanted to reply to your post as well but didn't know where to start.  Donna has said all that I am feeling and have felt.

The first year was so hard, but I got lots done and was feeling hopeful.  The second year I have continued to get things done, but the past few months I have been feeling helpless, lost and very very low.  I thought I was getting somewhere, but clearly not.

I have no energy or interest in life at all, but make myself get up, take the dog out each day, do the food shop and cope with people doing work in the house.

I went away twice last year and both were disasters for different reasons.  I needed to get away for selfish reasons and mostly ended up reading in bed and watching tv.  Different four walls, same problems.  A complete waste of money and time.

My two year anniversary is on 1 February.  I really thought I would be further on with feelings, coping, etc by now.   I guess it's the cycle of grief, but it's so overwhelming.

Here's hoping we'll find light at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later.

Best wishes.

Felicity 

Hi. Donna 
I hope you get a good nights sleep.
I recently went on a short trip to “our place “ where we had previously scattered Daves ashes. I almost turned back half way - but I could hear Dave in my head telling  me that I’d paid for it now so had to go haha. I was so glad that I did. Although it was my first time on my own without him, I also felt calm and very close to him.I hope you do manage to get your break but if you don’t then don’t feel bad about it. I think we all just have to do what feels right at the time.
I also get what you say about feeling old - I’m 53 and have always been told that I look/act  a lot younger( as in how active and hands on I am with stuff). Now I feel like I have aged so much in the last year. I have lost both my physical and mental strength - but I am going to get it back. I don’t quite know how yet but I am going to do it for my wonderful husband and my grown children and grandchildren. 
i know this sounds daft (I would have said so before I experienced it ) but I have collected so many white feathers lately it’s crazy. I had to attend a funeral two weeks ago (at the same crematorium as Daves funeral) and I got really upset outside. I went to the back and as I was sobbing a single white feather floated down- out of nowhere- it was one of those freezing cold days we had when everything was frozen over - no birds flying about for sure.  I find them all I’ve my house, there was one on my car the other day.  Maybe I’m clutching at straws or maybe there is something in it. Who knows but for now I’m taking it as sign that he is watching over me so if I don’t get myself sorted he will not be happy ha 

Take care everyone 

Jillian

Hi Felicity 

I think we all expected the first year to be the worst but from what I’m hearing it’s the second that’s the worst. I think we’re all probably still In shock, going through he motions and getting down what need to be done. 
I think the hard part starts when you see that other people are actually getting on with their planned futures and we are realising that the futures we had planned are gone. I guess somehow we have to start to envisions new futures- I have no idea where to even start with that one. I know that I never want to met another man as I have the love of my life. All I want now are friends and family to be able to spend time with  - but without feeling like they’re inviting me out of pity  

I used to love reading but I haven’t managed to read a single one since I lost Dave - my concentration is shot  so I’m going to try to do some sewing projects instead  

I really hope you find something to motivate you soon

 I sometimes feel like it would be nice to actually meet up with all of you lovely people for a coffee and chat   We have formed such a  supportive group but I guess we’re all for the far flung regions 

Take care of yourselves 

Jillian 

Hi Chelsea bluegirl
I think the dark nights are playing a big part in it. The evenings are now so looooong 

I hope you get some counselling soon - it will be my first time so I’m not sure what to expect  I just hope it doesn’t take too long