My husband died last week

I could never imagined being alone at 45, not after being together for 28 years.

Tomorrow would have been our 20th wedding anniversary and I think the reality of not being able to celebrate it with my Chris has made me feel like I did six weeks ago when he died.

I hate having to call myself a widow. I'm still married and always will be. 

I am not yet back at work but have 3 weeks still signed off by my GP and then am thinking of a very slow phased return. I can't stop overthinking and worrying about it - it scares me as I have always been so strong, never worried but my confidence has been shattered.

I know if Chris could see how I feel and how upset I am he would tell me to give my head a wobble and kick myself up the backside, but it's so hard without him.

I'm trying to adjust but some days I just want to hide from the world.

wanting to hide from the world is perfectly normal I think. And I felt the same about returning to work, I’ve always been confident and competent but just thinking about going back made me so anxious. It actually turned out better than I had thought, obviously the first few days were very hard with people offering their condolences and there were times I just had to walk away from my desk and go and cry in the toilets but it actually helped me to do something and think about something else (obviously that then made me feel guilty - our minds are our own worst enemies sometimes). Do what you feel is right for you and don’t be hard on yourself. 

The going back to work situation is so difficult.

Initially it went well for me as I went back part-time. Over about six weeks however the hours, outside of the paid ones, steadily began to increase again. I then found myself checking emails and liaising with colleagues on days I was not meant to be.

The end result? I've walked away from it. A calculated risk but it's my risk. Yes I'm drifting from day-to-day a little, but I'm drifting my way and on my terms.

As has been said many a time throughout this group there is no right or wrong to what we decide to do. We have to do what we think is right at the time. I'm taking the view that any decision I make for the rest of my life will never be wrong. It may not turn out for the best but, hey, it's my decision. It's not as if things have turned out well this year!

Take care,

WDJ