My Reality…

Hello Paul, I understand perfectly, Our ‘Reality’ is a daily painful struggle, I find writing verse, helps me appreciate what I have lost, and will never experience again. It’s a way of communicating with our loved ones. The year milestone is very difficult, since July I have found it very difficult not to just cry continually. I have to force myself to interact with people or tasks, to distract myself, but these things, as you say only give temporary relief I have ‘known’ Linda for 50 years, feels like forever, still can’t imagine living a life without her, she has ALWAYS been there.

I am coming up to three years this October, never thought i would get past the first month, though i have.

I do not like it i have to say. no time is long enough, i was married for 50years, and i do not know a life without him, he was the other half of me, i do not know who i am without him.

I have shed more tears over te past couple of months, where they came from, i do not know.

I am not lonely but i am alone, there is a difference, no one to say morning to, or good night, or would lie a cup of tea, the simple things.

The thing i miss the most, he made me laugh every day, some times all day, now, i would give anything just to laugh the way i used to., i miss that so much.

Ellie 

Thank you ArthurD and Ellie. Ellie I relate completely to what you say about being alone. Before I finished work I worked from home anyway, and so we spent lots of time together. Now every meal time I am alone with the TV, whereas I should be chatting & enjoying my wonderful Sharon's company. We always had things to chat about. Now our conversations are very one sided but I still talk to her several times a day.

I will love you always my darling .

Best wishes to all.

Paul

Hi Paul

Just read this and your bio. It’s strange isn’t it how while  it’s always there the grief sometimes seems to hit like tsunami. I’m finding it difficult too at the minute. The slightest thing has me in tears -todays being  the start of the new ice hockey season,  knowing that we will never be going to another game together, Its the little things - the nights drawing in when we’d normally be snuggled up chatting or watching a film. The “alone” times seem to be getting much more frequent now. 
It’s good that you have managed to put into words how you are feeling and that you have shared this with your therapist and brother. Whilst I have an amazing family I find that I’m mostly keeping the grief to myself as they just don’t understand (no matter how much they try). Thank goodness for this forum 
Take care 

Jillian 

Hi Jillian, thank you for your response and yes I also seem to have more alone time now. Interesting you mention ice hockey it used to be a large part of my family life in my first marriage. My son & daughter both played ice hockey & roller hockey, my son was a goalie. We used to be regulars at Manchester Storm in the 90’s. We were also fortunate to live in Canada for 3.5 years with my job so loved the NHL games and saw a few games in Toronto with the Maple Leafs. One of the very few happy memories of a very challenging first marriage of 32 years !! My psychologist has confirmed my first marriage has had a profound affect on my mental health that I may never recover from. This is for sure a reason why Sharon & I were so close (she also had a difficult first marriage. Fact is it took me 58yrs to find true genuine love, and then Sharon came into my life and I finally got to experience genuine true love, and so to have that taken from me after such a short time I was and still am devastated.

There is nothing I wouldn’t give to hold her in my arms once again, we simply loved being together. I miss such simple things like holding hands watching tv, walking Tilly our dog, etc… Whenever we went out I felt 10ft tall when walking into a room with her, she was such a warm, kind, loving person and on top of that was stunningly beautiful. Everyone thought she was 10-15 years younger than she was, being half Egyptian she had olive skin and wonderful large dark eyes. I always considered I was punching way above my weight with Sharon as my partner. Now like many on this forum my life feels completely empty, I so miss the excitement I always felt driving home whenever I went out on my own.

Hence my thoughts I put into writing above. 

Best wishes,

Paul