Ugh

Hi. 

I know how you feel. A couple of weeks ago I went away for the first time - it was hard because it was our happy place but after the first couple of days when there were tears it was actually lovely. I hope you manage to get some enjoyment from your break.
Sorting “stuff” is the thing I’m really struggling with.

Daves family keep telling me that I should sell his gear (he was a musician so there’s a fair bit) but al he kept saying to me before he died was “make sure you get a good price for it (ever the Yorkshireman). He had  intended to leave an inventory of what stuff there is and a value but that never got done as things happened so quickly in the end. Now I know I need to do it and it’s what he would want  but I feel getting rid of that is like getting rid of a Dave all over again and I haven’t got a clue what half of it is. Plus I just can’t find the motivation to actually sort it out  

On the other hand there is loads of stuff in our loft that belonged to Daves family (parents and grandparents) who all died before Imet Dave so without sounding heartless it doesn’t mean anything to me. I want to give it to his family but I don’t want them to think I’m just clearing out everything that isn’t my family. 

Why do we have to deal with all of this when our lives have already been torn apart by the loss of our loved ones 
Trying to find some positives but not being very successful at the minute 

Jillian

Hi Jillian.  Thank you, I'm going to make the most of my break as I'm desperate to have some time away from home.

Re stuff, it sounds like we have the same problem.  Nic has a sister who lives in the US so I've spoken to her about the things I have and she has given me her blessing to sell or donate some things.  Other, more personal things,  I'm going to send over to her at some point.  Nic's dad left a list of the family belongings and what he thought could be done with them, so at least I have some guidance.

Maybe you could talk to Dave's family about what you have.  There may be things that they would want to keep, especially as they might not know what there is.  I'm sure they would understand and might help you go through them.

I get the getting the right price for things as well.  Nic had collections of various things which I know will be worth something.  I need to make inventories as I want them to go to the right places.  BUT, it's going to be a long task and then to research where they could go.  Some days I think I'll just chuck it all in a skip, but I can't do it.

We'll get there.

Best wishes.

Felicity 

Good Morning,

I know just how you feel.

I have had one short break on my own, it was my birthday, well all I can say is I managed it, glad I did it, but was hard. I have 2 longer holidays booked, 1 with 2 bereaved friends and 1 on my own on what will be 2nd anniversary of Rob's death. As they are some time off I unsure how I feel.

Regarding sorting, I am still sorting, very slowly, I did get somebody from the auction to come for a few things e g stamp collection I didn't get much for them but divided the money between Rob's nieces and nephews, so felt ok about what I had done.

Take care 

Donna

Hi,

I have been mulling over going away but I am finding it hard to make the decision. Not sure how I will be without my Lin at my side. Should I go somewhere we used to go or not? This is so hard to decide. I was always the one to say let's go here or go there, I was the confident one, but now I feel that confidence deserted me the day Lin died. Seems even worse now since our wedding anniversary last week, just feel so low at the moment. I am going away in a few weeks with my daughter and grandchildren and I am looking forward to that but going anywhere on my own seems such a huge step to take. I have said to my brother-in-law about going away but he didn't really seem that interested. Just don't know what to do. I know Lin would want me to move forwards and do things with my life but it seems so daunting without her. I've got that "Ugh" feeling too!

I hope you can enjoy your few days off.

Derek

I thought about going away for ages and as soon as I found someone to look after my dog I booked it.  I sobbed when looking for and deciding where to go and when I paid for it.  Nic and I always had a lot of fun picking out potential places and then making the final decision. I've been very apprehensive about it, but now that I've only got a couple of days before I go, I think I am looking forward to it.

What I guess I'm saying is, if it feels like something you want to do then you can have the confidence to bite the bullet and do it. 

My confidence has been shattered since Nic died and it can take weeks for me to think things through and make a decision, even about the smallest things.

What we are going through is so horrible and alien to us, but the strength to do things is in us somewhere.  It might just take us a while to realise it.

Best wishes.

Good luck with your few days away, I hope you feel at peace with it. Let us know how you get on.

I am amazed how well you are doing, it may not always feel like it, however hard things are you find a way and you are so positive.

I have reflected a few times on what you have said, and you make sense. So thank you.

I too have been left with lack of confidence and self esteem, plus no motivation, but try not to stop doing things, just cos I am on my own.

I say this a lot, hard to put into words, but I am terribly sad with the life I have been left with.

Donna 

Hi Donna.  Thank you.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

It's good to hear that my thoughts might help others.  I still have many terrible days, but am trying to move forward with my life.   

I've reached a point where I can no longer dwell on all that happened over the last 4 years.  All that Nic and I went through was truly horrible, but as he always used to say "it is what it is".  This pragmatic approach now helps me.  During treatment it used to infuriate me as it was his defence mechanism to enable him not to talk about what was happening.  I can't get over what Nic went through from the day of diagnosis to the day he died, but I now understand his mantra.

I'm looking forward with hope and maybe this break from everything will help in some way.

All good wishes to you all.

Felicity