i lost my handsome husband on 11.07.22 - 6 days ago. Heres a little back story to us
We met many years ago and it took us 10 years to get together - the first 6 years of our relationship werent great. i was in this way more than he was for a long time, but 4 years ago all that changed and i got what i dreamed of. we had a beautiful relationship. Then, along came cancer.
Sean found a lump under his arm and after 5 month of fighting and waiting for his biopsy, he was diagnosed with stage 4 skin cancer on 30th April 2021. He started immunotherapy but it didnt work, the mets increased. Velindre started him on a BRAF targeted therapy - and it worked! ... well the best it could. the latest scan results in May showed that what was left was residual matter. Sean was already in hospital when we received the results - his bowel perforated on 20th May and he had an operation for a stoma bag on the 21st. We were told he only had a 50% chance of coming off the operating table ... but he did it - and a 30% chance of making a recovery.
Recovery was going well until he started being sick and had a paralytic illus. Metocloprimyde helped but the hospital sent him home saying he only had a few days. We married on 10th June and he came home on the 11th. He came home and sored, eating getting stronger and everything - we really thought he had this! But the paralytic illus started again and he was too scared to eat. After that his apatite never returned. I lost him at 5.40 on Monday 11th July - 4 weeks and 3 days after we married. He was 39.
How can my beautiful husband be gone? 39 years old and so many plans. We were planning a trip away with my son and and friends in September and now we have to face that without him. We have to face everyday without him and i dont know how to do it!
I cant even move his used tissues from the bedroom window sill, or wash the cup he was using that day. I spend the days re-reading out messages just to try to remember him before the cancer. It consumed our lives for 15 months and i forgot so much of how we were before. I just dont know how i am supposed to carry on. I just want to curl up into a ball and die - i want to be with him. the only reason i am still here is my son, and the fact that sean would be really p*ssed at me if i turned up there.
I went up his best friends yesterday for a BBQ and fire (he loved fires) and it ripped my heart out to see his 2 best mates sat there without him- he should be here ... he didnt deserve to die and he didnt want too! he fought so hard for the last 15 months. Even when he was in my arms that monday morning he was fighting - he didnt want to go!
I cant comprehend a future without him - We both knew it was going to happen at some point but in March we were told that going off his previous scans he had around another 2 and a half years - 4 months later and hes gone!
I just dont understand it and i dont know how i will cope never seeing him again - every where in our house there is memories and right now they are painful, but i hope in time i will find them comforting.
