Recently lost my husband

Yes, that's one thing that help at least I got him home. We thought we had weeks left and it was traumatic the way he died, it wasn't in his sleep and we never had that talk about how much I loved him, etc because we thought we had more time. 

It's awful isn't, I just keep re living everything over and over. Why didn't I have that talk? Did he choke on his own sick? His chest was rattling, why didn't I get the nurse to check that out whilst she was here? 

It's so hard for us all. It's helping talking to people who have gone through a similar thing and knowing I'm not alone. X

Hi 

So sorry to hear about your hubby. Our journey was different in that it was three  years for us. In the middle of that we thought Dave was cured but it can back with a vengeance in 2021 and despite treatment I lost him in October. So yes we had time to discuss things but because the end came so quickly - he went from being relatively fit (as in eating and getting round the house) to gone in 5 days that there was still things left unsaid and undone. 
It’s so hard to know what to about work isn’t it. I took a month sick (stat sick pay only) so I couldn’t afford to stay off any longer and in a way bring back at work helped. Don’t get me wrong: there were times I’d close my office door and sob but on a whole being busy works for me (stops me thinking ) 

On a practical note if money is tight: make sure you claim the bereavement support payment. I didn’t think I would qualify as I work full time but because i yes the “tell me once” service someone called me and told me I did. You get a lump sum to help with initial costs and then a payment per month for 18 months. It’s not a lot but it helps. 

I’m 53, so older than you but still feel like we should’ve had so much more time together. I feel cheated as I’m sure we all do on here. 

Hi Loulou1, I know that feeling of guilt about not being at their side when they pass. My Lin was in a hospital bed at home but our rooms were too small to sleep with her so I slept in our bedroom and Lin was in the back one. I set up a baby monitor that my daughter gave me so that I could hear and see her. In the evening before she died the community nurse said she thought she would last another 24-48 hours, so I went to bed and my daughter slept on the sofa downstairs. Just after midnight her breathing seemed about the same so I went back to bed but at about 2.45 a.m. I woke and couldn't hear Lin breathing, so I went to check on her and she had gone, only just though as she felt normal temperature to touch. I called out to my daughter and she said she had woken at the same time, which is kind of spooky. I still feel so guilty that I wasn't by her side holding her hand. She was heavily sedated as she had brain metastases that caused her to sort of hallucinate because there was a mix up in her drug plan on hospital discharge. I have an ongoing complaint with PALS regarding this. Also, I needed to get decent sleep as I have a heart condition, atrial fibrillation, so I was concerned that I would become ill and I didn't want to put my children through more worry. But the guilt is all consuming sometimes but everyone says you did what you could, including my bereavement counsellor. I suppose I am slowly improving with how deal with her loss each day or week that goes by but there are days when I just sit and cry my eyes out as I miss her so much.

Stay strong.

Derek