Every minute of every day, is painful for me, I can’t concentrate or motivate myself to do anything, except the most basic essentials, eating drinking sleeping. I watch TV, and flip between one series after another as each successive one irritates me more than the previous one, I alternate between friends and Simpsons a lot, but if there’s any mention of death a funeral etc. even discussions about relationships, can be a problem and I have to skip it completely. The one thing that I manage is playing games on my IPad, I look around ‘our’ home and see all the memories, of things Linda and I did together, so many memories, ‘our’ home always had the two of us in it, I was never alone here, except for the odd occasion Linda managed to visit relatives for 2-3 days. I used to hate that, just didn’t want to be apart from her. Every day I just long for bedtime, it’s the only peace I get. My Children are all grown up, with their own children, been a long while since they lived with their Mum.
They did keep in close contact, phone calls messages, and regular visits with their Mum, but since Linda passed, hardly any contact. They can’t experience what it’s like to live every day alone, in a ‘our’ home, where their Mum and I lived together , every single day. Each of them goes to work, runs a home family, they all have sad moments, when a memory triggers emotions, but I have that every single minute of every day, I really don’t think they understand that, I suppose they can never see how things are through my eyes or my soul.
my youngest Son by my second marriage visits me every 3 days for dinner TV and a board game, don’t know what I’d do without him 
just wish the others would contact me more often, just to say hello, sometimes go days without any contact.
Sorry for this, I just find it so very tough
Also I’m not really looking for answers or solutions, because I don’t think there are any, as my grief is going to be largely mine to manage alone, I have requested counselling, but just not sure if I’m strong enough……my only strength is that, in the past, when ever I have been faced with changes they anticipations have always been far worse than the event. In 1993 I lost my job, and went to Russia to work in December 1993, was the most scared and anxious I had ever been, but it all worked out fine…..so I guess there’s hope for me 
I totally get what you are saying, because our grief is different to everyone else that knew our loved ones. I am ashamed to admit it but at times l do forget that our 2 sons are grieving as well.As for Pet`s family l have not heard one word from them since his funeral, 7 months ago. It is as if we never existed
. It is surprising how we find that inner strength, and yes everything in daily life is a struggle and heart breaking. But you are not alone, the community on here are a god send. Even if at times we have negative thoughts and l have. But there is always someone who understands,
Look after yourself x
Thank you 
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Linda You are my best memory, You are all of my best memories
