I gave birth alone

Hi. 

7 months ago I lost my husband, he was 21, I was 20. We were meant to go grey together, we’ve known each other since we were 5 years old! We’ve been dating since we were 12, and I know that sounds crazy and everyone thought it was just a little kiddie relationship that would be over and done with in a few days or so. But even at 12 I knew it wasn’t. We eloped on my 18th, lost  a lot of friends because of it. But I didn’t really care. 

We have 3 year old twin boys, an 18 month old daughter and after his death I realised I was 4 months pregnant. Twins again. He never got the chance to even KNOW he was going to be a dad again. And if there isn’t an afterlife out there, he died thinking he was a father of 3 and that breaks my heart. I went two weeks after my due date and I had to be induced. My sister, who adopted me when my mum died, and my best friend fell down with covid the day before I was set to be induced. I’m Australian and moved to England so my aunty and cousin flew out from Australia to be with me but they didn’t make it in time.

I gave birth alone. Something I never ever thought I’d do. The midwives were there but it wasn’t the same, I had a stranger holding my hand. I delivered for 26 hours! 26! With Delilah I was in and out the delivery room in about 2! 

But oh my god, I think it was worth it. I know it was worth it. All the grief and pain and every awful things surrounding Nathaniel’s death was suddenly shoved to the back of the queue.

Nathaniel Dean Delacroix Jr and Eliza Isabelle Delacroix both tiny despite being 2 weeks late at 6 lb 8 oz.

It’s funny because Nathanial always had dreamt of a little boy that was identical to him. The first set of twins were both little-mes and he was secretly devastated. But our daughter was the spit of him. And while he loved to rub my nose in that, history repeats Its self

Little Nathaniel came out looking nothing like him, all me, but Eliza the spit of him. I can just picture his face now. 

They're the most precious things on earth, they don’t cry, their little angels. And when I’m stressed at night, all 5 of my babies will be in my bed. I’ll just watch, I won’t sleep, I’ve realised I’m luckier then a lot of people. Some people don’t get the chance to have children with their loved ones, some can’t have children entirely. And yet I’ve had 5 in the space of 3 and a bit years. 

And I know that Nathanial won’t get to hold them, I know they won’t have one single memory of who their father was, all 5 of them won’t. I’ll keep his memory alive as best as I can. It will never be the same, never be as good but it’s getting better.

First time since his diagnosis I can go to bed with a smile. I’m struggling probably more then most the mums out there but every mother struggles. I do it for my kids, I continue because I’m a mum.

I’ve realised I can’t be super mum. I’m just Ivy Delacroix. This crazy 21-year-old Australian widow with 5 kids. Every day is challenging and I don’t know where the next pay check is coming from, where I’ll be tomorrow let alone in a years time. It could be good, it could be bad. I’ll take one step at a time. 

I’ve had my days of crying. And I continue to cry but no matter what at the end of the day I continue on. I miss his smile, his attitude, making up to breakfast being the made, the way he made the kids laugh, his stupid jokes and weird singing outbursts, I miss coming home to him screaming to the tv when his football team is winning. But I see that everyday, more and more in my children. 

Ivy

mama of Abel, Phoenix, Delilah-Mae, Nathanial and Eliza.