Feel lost and empty

Hello MarcW, so sorry for your loss and I totally understand how you feel. I lost my lovely wife, Lin, last November and, having been married for 42 years, life seems so empty without her. We have to believe things will get better with time but quite often it doesn't seem like it. Do try and do things but at your own pace and only if it feels right. I find that some weeks are better than others and the low weeks can feel quite overwhelming, sometimes I just sit and cry because I know I won't see her anymore. There's nothing wrong in doing that and I believe it is a sort of relief valve because my mood often improves afterwards. It's one step at a time and sometimes you will have to force yourself to do things, but only push yourself if you are comfortable with whatever you do.

Do things when you are ready. Like many on here I still haven't sorted all Lin's things out, it is such a difficult thing to do. Sometimes it helps to do it with another family member if you can; my daughter came and helped me go through some of Lin's things.

I have some house projects to get on with, extension (utility room, garage & larger kitchen), new bathroom, new kitchen and garden makeover, all things we had planned to do together, but I am doing it at my pace.

I am having bereavement counselling which I find quite helpful, but it not a quick fix, small improvements each week. I do talk to my children about my feelings, as I am sure they are having their own struggles with Lin's loss, but I think they hold back with opening up to me, probably because they feel they would be adding to my worries at this difficult time. My grandson, who is nearly seven, does talk to me about missing his Nannie Lin and says it makes him feel sad, but I always say to him that Nannie Lin wouldn't want him to be sad and would want him to think about all the happy times they had together.

So, take the slow lane and deal with things in your own way at your own pace.

Stay strong and tomorrow may just feel that tiny, little bit easier.

Derek

Hello, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here.  All of us completely understand how you feel.  It's very early days so try to take each day as it comes without putting any pressure on yourself to do anything.  There is no right or wrong about how you feel and do or do not want to do things.  Please try to take some time to look after yourself.  Hopefully you have good support from family and friends, but just do what feels right each day, positive or negative.  Please also stay here and ask advice, vent, rant, whatever you need to do, you will have a lot of support from this group.

Best wishes.

Bless you, so sorry for your loss, l know as many of us on this community how totally heart breaking it is. I personally cannot say at the moment that it gets better, my darling Pete died in October 2021 he was 64, but to be fare it does not matter how old our loved ones were, they were ours and lifewill never be the same again, we was told he has 2-12 months on the 4th October and he died on the 17th. So l know what a shock it is, Pete had stage 4 secondary lung cancer(originated from the bowel cancer that he had in December 2016). I know exactly what you mean when you say "what is the point". I think about it all the time, then l think well my granddaughter is doing her masters at university, and if l did anything because we are so close, it would destroy her, and l know for sure that she would not continue at university.  It is so hard, and we all have our own opinion's, which to be honest none of them are wrong, it is just how we are feeling and see things at this terrible terrible time.

Be brave and try to be strong, because it is going to be a long battle, Maybe l should listen to my own advice

Hello MarcW

I am so truly sorry, that you find yourself on this forum, I and many others on here know the pain and suffering you are experiencing. In the first few weeks, I was in complete shock, could not accept what had happened, that I had lost my Linda, my whole world had been changed forever, into a terribly painful new reality. It’s so hard to imagine a life without our partner, I had to resort to anti depressants, it was just too much for me. Very slowly over the next few months, I was able to manage life, to a degree at least. 9 months on and I still cry, when I watch certain TV or prepare meals that Linda liked, even making a cup of tea, sometimes makes me sob. The pain feels the same, it’s just that I am better able to manage it. Life does seem pointless and empty. Having a Wife and soulmate, was all I ever wanted in life. I say goodnight to her every single night before turning the light off, I always turn on the lounge back wall lights, first thing in the morning, as she always did the same, she said the lounge needed backlight. When I open the vertical blinds, I always open them such that the sun shines away from her chair, she didn’t like it shining in her eyes. These things I will never forget, every day they remind me of her. Most days I feel tearful all day, I had got stronger, but my GP changed my antidepressant, to what he said was a better one, but I think the previous one was better, I just need to be able to function, to manage, every day existence, as many on this forum say, it’s not living it’s existing .

There will always be someone here for you, sending you love & strength

I honestly cant live without her. She is my best friend i need and miss her so much. Dee is everything to me, im nothing without her

Hello Marc

In the first few weeks, the pain seems intolerable, but we find strength from the love that our partners shared with us, please please believe me it does slowly get easier to manage, I never thought it would, but now I know it does, please consider seeing your GP, there is various support he can offer. I have lit a candle for Dee, I can’t heal your pain, but I am here for you

.

I just want to end this pain. Hers has ended but mine has started and i cant take it

Thank you

MarcW Firstly I’m so very sorry you are qualified to be part of this group that to be quite honest none of us wanted to join. I’m 6 months into this wretched journey but reading your post has reminded me of the intense physical pain I had in my chest in the early weeks of losing my husband. Emotionally I was all over the place but I also didn’t recognise myself as a person and described myself as an alien. After a chance encounter with a friend who lost her hubby 3 years before me she helped me to realise that these feelings were normal.

Take everyone up on offers of help it is there way of showing they care about you, however exhausted you feel go for that meal you have been invited for, cuppa, beer, walk and do talk about your beloved the more we talk about our stories it helps to heal the mind.

As many others have said there is no rush to do anything you dictate the pace & do what feels right for you. The only thing I would say to sort out ASAP is the bereavement support payment via .gov.uk this is instead of widows pension, lump sum payment then monthly payment for 18 months but you would only get full amount if you apply early enough, this money comes out of your wife’s state pension pot it’s a pittance but better than nothing.

Time does may things better I can say that now, I’m back at work but reduced my hours after a long phased return but continue to have things in place to look after me, walks with friends, massage, sport. Be kind to yourself this is a marathon not a sprint.

sending hugs