Life on hold?

Can l be honest?

When my dad died when l was 17 years old it felt like the world for me had ended although l was expecting my first child he was cremated and his ashes blown to the wind FREEDOM!

When l was in my 30s my I  lost my mum she was buried, and every 2-3 weeks me and my 2 sisters would go to her grave. Then when my husband Pete had gone through bowel cancel and we thought he was ok l continued visiting my mum. 

Then Pete was diagnosed with stage 4 secondary lung cancer, my time was spent with Pete, l stopped going over my mums grave. What a guilt trip that has been, Pete died in October 2021, l still cannot bring myself to go over my mums grave. My pain memories have not changed between my parent's although they had different funerals. But l will say that l personally find a grave is a bind an obligation that l had  no problem with until Pete became ill. But what a guilt trip l am on, Pete was cremated and he is at home with me, but l know l could not of had him buried, my concerns were: who would look after him when myself and his sons had passed.

Please don't think l have anything against burials because l don't. I have a grandchild that is buried and many many family members that are. Its just that Pete being ill has really changed my feelings.

Hi Neve thanks for your reply and your honesty too.

I have never been a fan of burials and Colin was all for being cremated until the week before he died. He said he wanted to be buried with his dad so I  had to follow his wish.  I don't know what made him change his mind, I suspect his mam had something to do with that I always said that people do stop going to a grave, that went to show by the state of his dad's headstone!! (not all down to her might I add) Plus his mam and dad didn't have the best of marriages, something she has told me of - she rarely visited Ron and has been to visit her son on birthday and Christmas. 

You're right when you say a grave is a bind but even though I would of had him cremated  I have found it good in the way that it has given me that 'somewhere to go' rather than be at home and him be on the windowsill or dining table untill the time would be right to scatter the ashes and I have made new  and found old friends too! 

On hindsight I wish Colin had said sooner about being buried, then we could have had our own plot and I would have my ashes in with him, as it is, because his mam owns the lease she has control over who gets the 3rd availabe space plus whose  cremated remains go in there too. I have offered to 'give' her the money for a new plot (for her and her daughter) but she has decided to keep it in the Family I've been her daughter in law for over 20 years!!

I don't think you need to feel guilty about not getting to your mum's grave, you had your hubby to look after, every minute spent with him while he was alive were so precious and your sisters would still attend to your mum's grave. 

Whilst I still have a car and all this spare time on my hands with nothing else to do I'll keep going and 1 day will miss a day, go the next, miss a day who knows

Bless you x, yes it is hard isn't it.

I am the only sister inlaw in Pete's family and l have not heard from any of his family since his funeral. We might as  well not existed. But l have our 2 sons and their families. But l do find it painful and hurtful. 

I am happy for you that going to Colin's grave is a comfort for you.

When l went  to my mums grave with my sisters we always spoke to her as if she was there. Asking her for the lottery numbers ect. It was the only time me and my sisters were together. As l always hurried back to Pete because that is where l wanted to be. I have Petes ashes beside me on my bedside cabinet, at first l thought it would be spooky, but l can honestly say l find it a comfort. He is there when l go to bed and there when l get up in the morning. Plus when l pass our ashes are going to be scattered together.

We all have our own ways of trying to cope even if at times they do not work.

I wish you all the best and comfort.

Hi, I have a problem with graves as well.  My dad died 7 years ago and was cremated.  My mum has his ashes at home and when she visits me the ashes come with her which I find very disconcerting. Although I don't like graves, I wish there was  somewhere more permanent to visit so I can talk to him.

My partner Nic died last year.  We had never spoken about what we wanted when we passed, but despite never having a religious faith Nic decided that he wanted to be buried in the churchyard in our village.  We didn't know at the time that any parishioner, whether of faith or not, could be buried in the graveyard, so that's what happened.  In the previous two years both of Nic's parents passed and were cremated.  Their ashes were put in Nic's casket and buried with him.

I now have an overwhelming responsibility to all three of them.  I've not thought too much about a headstone yet as Nic's sister lives in America and I have to get it right for her as well so we'll design it together.  

I hate going to the grave.  Last year I planted wild flowers as Nic loved them and his parents were gardeners and would have liked them as well. Now, it's just a brown space and although I want it to look better I'm really struggling with motivation to go and make it look nice for them all.  I think I'll put some flower seeds down and see what happens.

Problem is that every time I go there, there are three lovely people to remember and it's all too much.  I'll still go there though and do what I need to however tough it is and when the headstone goes in I hope I'll go and keep it looking respectable.

Vent over.   Best wishes to you all.

Everyone has their own opinion between cremation and burial, it’s true, and at the end of the day we have to respect our loved one’s wishes.  My father was cremated because my mother had no idea what he would have wanted, but we scattered his ashes on his parent’s grave.  Not wanting any indecision regarding her funeral, my mother bought her own grave plot and left specific instructions and I made sure my father was commemorated on her memorial stone.  I used to visit her grave every week and then usually every couple of months until the pandemic took over everyone’s life and coincided with a terminal diagnoses for my husband …. So we locked down, not leaving the house for a year, only going out for medical appointments, this lockdown and shielding stopped my from visiting my mother’s grave and I haven’t resumed this.  I feel very guilty about not going to her grave.

My husband passed away 6 months ago and his wishes were for a burial, and I managed to get a plot for us both at the little churchyard in our village, I get a great deal of comfort knowing he is ‘just down the road’ and visit his grave every couple of days, putting fresh flowers on and generally tidying up.    It IS a commitment, and I feel guilty of I go more than 4 days without visiting him and it struck me that there is no sign that anyone else visits …. So when I am also there in that plot will anyone visit and lay flowers, I’d like to think that my son and daughter would come on my birthday or Mother’s Day, but I do wonder!

HI nicsmrs it takes so long for the ground to settle and have 'top up soil' put on,  we all want the plot to look perfect asap, like in the movies!! The brown space be green space in time and I think the wildflowers will look lovely  - beware the pesky  I know what you mean about the overwhelming responsibility to keep things clean, because that's just it - overwhelming!! I was talking to Colin's youngest son (we/ I didn't have any) and I said that I hoped he and his 3 brothers would keep the standards up when I'm gone