Easter another challenge to face

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How are you doing today? I wonder if Easter has any good memories for you and you can enjoy with family or friends.

Easter was never a major event for Sharon and I, although I did always buy her a surprise Easter egg

Unfortunately this Easter is not a good one for me at all, today is 17th and at precisely 9.35pm this evening it will be 6 months since my one true love was taken from me

my anxiety has been building most of the week and today it will break at 9.35 pm when I will end up on the floor holding my Sharon’s ashes and simply fall apart completely.

Last week my psychologist explained I will never recover from my loss but it is a case of adaptation to a new type of life and in time this will reduce my anxiety and sadness

However for now I will actually relive in my mind the vast majority of that fateful day. I am haunted when remembering how I visited Sharon on the Sunday afternoon and spent time with her, although she was hardly conscious I could only hope she could hear me, but she was clearly suffering and had been for some days. Before I left I bent over her to give her a kiss, then whispered in her ear how I loved her and that she had suffered enough. I explained that I would be OK and she should not struggle on unnecessarily and if she was ready to go then she should let go and move on to a much better place and be at peace

I like to think she heard me and hence later that evening she took her last breath as I was holding her in my arms.

Since that very moment my life changed forever and I have become a totally broken man. I know I should take comfort knowing My one true love is now resting in peace, all the pain and suffering having gone, but I just can’t. Each month on 17th, just as I am typing this, I am literally falling to pieces overwhelmed by the sadness, loss and loneliness.

I am getting fed up with painting on a smile and saying I’m feeling ok, when it’s not and what I really want to scream is - life is f*****g shit and I’m bloody sick of this charade everyday.

Dear lord, how much longer must so many of us have to endure this pain called grief. I now have just one single aim in my life, and that is to be reunited with my one and only true love Sharon with whom I shared a perfect life of love, happiness and caring. Sadly my family, friends, etc.. and even my wonderful grandkids can never come close to filling the void I now have in my life.

Somehow my grief appears to be getting worse rather easing as months go by.

Best wishes & love to you all

Paul xx

Kimsw over 2 years ago

Bless you poor man! I am very recently widowed (will be three weeks on Tuesday) and everything you have written resonates so closely for me. I have amazing support and lovely children and grandchildren but all I can see are years before me without my lovely Tim. I can see a reasonable life will be possible but it seems so pointless and overwhelmingly painful I have no interest in any of it but instead I paint on my smokescreen face and try my best to smile occasionally but half of me has gone do I feel like a shell and almost long for death just in case we can be together again . Take care and be sure there are many of us feeling your pain x

Tillys Dad over 2 years ago in reply to Kimsw

Dear Kim,

Thanks for your reply and my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I fully understand how you're feeling as I am the same. I have some very supportive friends & family, sadly they will never be able to fill the huge void in my life. There are two things I do know for sure since I lost my one and only true love, 1. I do not fear death & 2. My only aim in life is to be with my darling Sharon. I have been quite open about this with my psychologist, family & friends.

My psychologist explained last week that I will never recover from my loss, but it is about adapting to a new life without the only lady I have ever loved. It took me 58years to find her, and we had close to 6 years of the most loving, caring, happiest lives of our lives. Sharon was, is and will always be my life. I miss her so, so much each day, and hate bedtime!

Take care Kim, you just have to take each day as it comes, never put pressure on yourself, and most of all Be Kind To Yourself.

Best wishes and hugs.

Paul

Kimsw over 2 years ago in reply to Tillys Dad

Thanks Paul ! I also no longer fear Death and really want to believe we will be together again one day. I can only take comfort in knowing Tim will never have to experience this pain of our separation. I’m not sure he would have coped! I will send you as many positive vibes at 9.35pm as I can in the hope you may not feel quite so alone. Take care Kim x

Tillys Dad over 2 years ago in reply to Kimsw

ArthurD over 2 years ago in reply to Tillys Dad

This verse is beautiful, it tells us very kindly, that we don’t have to accomplish everything we planned to do, it’s ok to relax and be comfortable with oneself, thank you Paul for sharing this

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Linda You are my best memory, You are all of my best memories

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