Partner died suddenly two weeks ago

Hi alison

i am also a nurse who trained the old fashioned way and team were really good but I am still wracked with guilt thinking I shouldn’t have agreed to have CPAP removed even though at 100% oxygen he still couldn’t maintain SATs and was celeries and distressed. The consultant was sure there was absolutely sure no chance of recovery but I keep thinking what if?? He had pcp infection that just dint respond at all and was eating up his lungs. At moment grief is unbearable but people like you give me hope that I may get to a place that’s bearable. I am 62 so young to be a widow and may face many years ahead without him. Thank you so much for reaching out to me 

kim x

Hi Kim 

I am 54 now, I was 52 when widowed by my second husband. My first husband died a few months after we divorced ( his choice) and that was when I was in my mid forties. That was hard. I had two young children (14 and 10) at the time. I didn't grieve Simon, my first until my second husband died. I sort of wasn't allowed to! Now, I have been through the grieving process with both of them, my children are almost grown up. My eldest, Paul was 20 when My second husband died and knew what to do and who to contact. He didn't like his stepfather and we lived apart because he had PTSD with an alcohol addiction!  Met on the rebound and my stupid caring nature! Both are now 22 and 18 and I am very proud of them both. They have done so well, Paul did some uni but gave up and now has a very good job and has saved a huge amount for his first home and Hannah is doing. A levels and working part time but has just secured a degree apprenticeship in environmental consultancy ( her passion) to start September.. they both coped with losing a great dad and a stepdad and have both looked after me who needed my second hip replacement last month! I go back to work next week, so after 7 weeks that is great. 

I couldn't have kept going without them and a supportive dad, mum and stepmum. I also met up with Steve after about s year of Ric dying. He was a work colleague when I was a student nurse over 35 years ago,bed started up meeting for coffee as friends but things have developed and he is incredibly different from my second husband. He loves and cares for me but allows me space too. 

I can't remember who used to write that we move forward on this forum but I took to that phrase and yes we do move forward, not necessarily on but forward and keep our memories, some of them good, some bad. Things change and we develop our strength and ourselves. Friends show us who the real ones are and one of my best friends is now a work colleague who I met after Ric passed. I changed my job as he got diagnosed and moved to the private sector.. it has been a good move. 

I know that as a good nurse, who would have made the right decision for your husband that you have that inner strength that you need to move forward. Not yet as it is early days but in the future. You will have managed many difficult situation in your career and you will have drawn on these times and still will. 

Remember to be kind to yourself, as nurses we rarely do that! And enjoy your life too. I  often told I have had a hard life, maybe that is true but I also have had a good life.

Take care. Here if you need to chat

Love and hugs Alison XXX 

Ps you are doing great x

So sorry for your loss, Pete my husband died in october 2021 , on the 4th of october we actually got a face to face with the oncologist. Pete had been getting worse, we asked how long Pete had, he said between2 months and a year, he died on the17th october just about 2 weeks after seeing the oncologist. You are right it is a shock one tht l certainly did not see coming.

So sorry you also had that awful experience. In my head I knew Tims prognosis was poor but had figured we had more time as he didn’t have secondaries yet but was in lymph nodes so not operable,  and he managed his radiotherapy so well. I had thought through how I would manage at home with him when the end came,  but nothing like that happened. He was spared a long drawn out death and he used to say it was like living with a ticking time bomb so for him this may have been kinder but I feel I am not ready to lose him yet and the horrible place I am in right now seems endless but I am accepting what is and trying best to plough on. Thank you for teaching out. It really helps. Kim x