Existing

Hello

It is still such early days for you that you must do whatever feels right for you. My husband, also called Ian, passed away 40 weeks ago, only 7 weeks after his diagnosis. 

You may be like I was, in complete shock and just that awful feeling of emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. I felt numb, didn’t cry a lot really in those early days  and am still just taking one day at a time. My  future without Ian is still something I can’t come to terms with and the  fact that his future was so cruelly and suddenly taken away….. 

I am pleased you have come to this site as you will soon realise that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. I started counselling after about 4 months and we still meet but you may not decide to go down that road.

You must be kind to yourself and only do what you want to do. You did make me laugh when you wrote about punching the next person on the nose! It might do you good but I’m not sure the person would see it that way. 

Be kind to yourself,

x Julie

Thank you at least I’m not going mad!

Hi, I agree with Trixieone very early days for you. I’m just approaching 6 months since my king died only 4 weeks after a palliative lung cancer diagnosis, devastated is an understatement. For a number of weeks I could not recognise my own emotions & described myself as an alien, the physical pain in my chest unbearable at times, these symptoms you may recognise but one thing you are certainly not going mad!
I still cry on an almost daily basis but I made myself get up washed & dressed everyday, at at least every other day had something in my diary mostly walking with friends& lunch & coffee meet ups. Be gentle with yourself, rest if you need to & on days when you feel slightly better do a bit more, don’t be afraid to let the tears flow and even in front of friends and family. Take the offers of support & help people genuinely want to help.

sending virtual hugs xx

Hi,

My husband, soulmate and best friend is also named Ian.

He was taken from us on the 5th December 2021 only aged 49. 

Ian was first diagnosed with a rare form of AML on 5th October 2020 and admitted straight away in hospital to undergo a  10 day Aggressive chemo treatment, he ended up being in for 5 weeks as on his last day of chemo he got a sepsis infection and ended up in ITU for a few days. He came home for 5 days but had to go back in for another 8 days of aggressive treatment. You read or hear of people and you never think it'll happen to you. Following more chemo treatment, radiotherapy and a stem cell transplant in March 2021, which our youngest daughter 16 at the time was the donor, we were told by Addenbrooks in June Ian was in remission. Best news ever. But then end of June he collapsed at home, then he started to get pains in his right leg, then his mobility was decreasing - all of these symptoms we kept telling Addenbrooks and JPH saying somethings not right. In August Addenbrooks said he had sciatica, but done no tests. Beginning of Sept Ian could hardly walk and tried to climb our stairs but collapsed and fell back down. I contacted Sandra Chapman Unit and said he needs to be seen as this really isn't right. They were shocked when they see him and after MRI scan and lumber puncture on 8th Sept we were told the AML was in his Central Nervous System. Again he got admitted straight away to begin chemo treatment. Ian was always positive and wanted to fight with every ounce of his being but this was a huge kick in the teeth - his words. On 4th November we were told the chemo was unsuccessful and there was lots and lots of clusters, we were given weeks! They asked what he wanted to do and he said go home, he had had enough of hospitals and wanted to be at home. 4 weeks! That's all we had. Me and my 2 daughters 20 and 17, looked after him with the help of Pallative care. It was the hardest 4 weeks of our lives watching him deteriate, but we were so honoured to do it.

I can't accept that he's gone and I try and convince myself he's in hospital having treatment. My daughters are so much stronger than me bless them. I'm struggling big time. It takes all my strength just to get out of bed in the morning. I cry every day. And now suffer from anxiety. I get so angry too and I think why? Why Ian? Why us? Why make him suffer for 14 months? There are so many bad people out there take them instead, why the most loving, caring ones. I can't get my head around that one. Bed time is the worst as my mind just doesn't switch off, not slept properly in months.

I'm not living, I'm just existing and truth be told I just want to be with Ian, but I know I can't, I couldn't do that to my daughters.

I returned to work but I'm like a zombie. And I hate it when people say time heal, it'll get easier! It certainly doesn't, to me it gets harder as each day without him passes. I hate leaving the house.

In a blink of an eye your whole world changes, comes crashing down. I just can't cope without him. I stayed so strong throughout it all for Ian and the girls now I've got no strength left.

So I completely get where you are and what you/we're going through. 

Xx

Hello

In the blink of an eye, it’s exactly like that, while our partners are still with us, we hope against hope that things will improve, some miracle will happen, we can’t accept that the unimaginable will happen, even in the final hours, we desperately cling on to any hope, however vague or impossible it might be, then suddenly, “in the blink of an eye” they are gone, and our world has changed for ever, into a new reality we don’t really want to be part of.

Please take good care of you

I know I’d rather be with Ian than live without him. I’ve done what he said and retired. Not sure if it makes it better or worse. At least I can hide away from all the well wishers and memory joggers. I’ve also done that thing we agreed on when I retired. I bought myself a puppy. Next week I will have to leave the house. Next week I will have to get some exercise. It may sound silly, but I feel better now I have something to focus on. I know it’s not for everybody, but he does improve my mood. 
my daughter said Dad said you’d get a dog. He was right, he knew me so well. I think that’s what I miss the most, just knowing I never had to explain. Knowing that I could just be me and that was enough. 
I spend hours looking at his photo and remembering his voice. Soft spoken with a northern lilt and a pronunciation that was distinctly Wigan. Calm and reassuring the opposite of my mercurial temperament. Who’ll ground me now? I still expect him to walk around the corner the smile that was reserved for me and the kiss on the forehead that said so much. I too feel empty and exhausted all my energy was focused on him, being with him, willing him to live. But praying for it to be quick so he didn’t suffer. The last three weeks were horrendous. He was so brave, concerned only for his family, not himself despite the pain. Holding me to comfort and reassure me as he always did. 
You’re right it was the blink of an eye and I wish I’d never blinked.

You have just made me smile, l am sure that there are quite a few people that deserve a punch on the nose lol.

I lost my husband Pete in October 2021, nothing has changed the pain is still as strong as painfully heart breaking destroying as it was when he passed.I cannot see myself beyond this point. I know people mean well, and are people are trying to be positive for us, but it just does not work, they are not where we are in life at this time a lot of them, thank god.

Hi there,

I too got myself a puppy, he has just turn one now, he is my world, yes something to focus on. Not so little Dobby now.