5 months on and I'm a mess !

I have some bad news, the sleeping tablets don't help you get to sleep, they just making getting up harder - well that's my findings after being put on them 5 years ago, still on them as a suppressant to the heart meds.

Like you I pray out loud each day that I will join my Gill soon, but have stopped telling family as it upsets them.  I just put one foot in front of the other and get through the days as best as possible, this isn't a sprint, it's not even a marathon as there is no definite end, just a gradual easing.  A rudderless ship is how I describe myself and I'm not the only one here, so I have slowed down before I hit the rocks, just taking it easier "steady" until life eventually develops a new rhythm.

You find a soul mate in the strangest of places, but it becomes very obvious very quickly that you are actually separate halves of one being, time together doesn't really count, we knew that we would be together for life after only a few days/weeks, met in the April, married in the September, more in love than ever 40 years later - 6 years can hurt as hard and as long as 60.  Some find their soul mate at sixteen, and some at sixty, some never.  Those that do find their soulmate are blessed and cursed, the blessing you might not even notice as it seems so right, but the curse of being left alone hurts it really really does.

Looking at the thousands of photos helps and then again it doesn't.  I remember where we were and the fun we were having at the time, and for that I am thankful, realise all that we should still have to come and for that I am angry, realise that I have no-one to share it with and for that tears stream down my face.

hi Paul, I hate the 21st of a month, it’s 7 months today that Rob died.  I still can’t remember him before he was ill, he’s just a blur in my memories.

I don’t think I’m doing too bad and then BAM, it hits me like a ton of bricks that he’s never coming back and then the tears start.  Generally it’s when I’m driving. 

I should be moving into my now home next month, that will be strange running a house.  Rob and I worked together on all housey things and now every decision is down to me, that’s scary.  

But I have to move forward, I promised Rob I would, I’m not happy and wonder when I will be happy again.

3 more firsts to go, our 25 year wedding Anniversary innMay, his 55th birthday July and then August 21 first year anniversary.  

Take care

x

I feel your pain Paul, it is 5 months for me also having lost my husband on 15th October.  I find that it doesn’t get any easier, I just get more used to this new way of being …. Some days I am ok and on others I am a complete mess, some nights I sleep well and on others I seem to be awake most of the night because I can’t shift certain thoughts and images from my mind. I wish I could give you some words of comfort, I really do … no one  every really knows what to say do they …..

I would love to think they are watching over us.  Keep your memories close, God bless us all.

Hi 

My Rob was 54 years old when he died in January 21 and we had his wake on what would have been his 55th birthday in October, due to restriction at time of his funeral.

I am in such a dilemma over the house, we discussed I would down size, but I don't know when is the right time. I know it is practically the best thing to do, but don't know if I have the strength yet.

Take care 

Donna

hi Donna, i didn’t really have a choice about moving as we had sold our house in April last year and moved into rented whilst we decided what next.  

If we hadn’t sold I probably wouldn’t have moved.

I’m sure You will know when it’s time to move home, it might not ever happen, I guess you have lots of good memories in your home which will be hard to leave.  unfortunately we were only here 2 months and Rob died here, I have no good memories at all and can’t wait to leave. 

Sending you a massive hug.

Glenis

x

Thank you Glenis for your reply.

The thinking is so so hard work on my own.

When Rob was sent home from hospital after 12 weeks, they told me he had "weeks not months to live" them words haunt me. After 6 weeks on a good day we actually went to look at a bungalow, not sure what we were thinking, maybe hopeful for slight time. How stupid was we? 

So now I am in the house with a garden that Rob loved so much, I like it, but it was him who loved it, nice village. We had only been here 6 years so not done what we wanted as we thought we had years ahead.

But need to be realistic, too big, the garden and upkeep is going to be too much so do I move now before gets too much?

I have been sorting, decluttering and a little decorating incase I put in on the market, but nothing has caught my eye as yet.

Buying and selling can be very stressful with 2 never mind on my own.

Have a nice day. 

Donna

Hi Paul 

I wouldn't rely on sleeping tablets as Andy says they make you feel crap the next day.

I had sleep issues initially. I found night time kalms, a new duvet and mattress topper, an electric blanket, a small tot, and my favourite photo by the bed helped. I had awful images of finding Ric as he passed unexpectedly. 

Try not to be over tired when you go to bed too. 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hello Paul

i am really sorry to hear your suffering, I know exactly how you feel, the 17th is my worst day of the month also, I light a candle for Linda, 8 months on and the pain hasn’t eased. I really am as a Zombie, going through the motions, with no agenda, other than to survive to the next day.

thinking of you

keep safe and well

Hello Donna

I was pondering just the other day, if moving would be something I should do. I have. a 4-5 bed house, with just me.
but then I thought, if I downsized I couldn’t take all our furniture with me. Everything holds such memories, it would be painful to dispose of anything. Be the same if I started again, but I couldn’t bear choosing furniture and furnishings etc. without it being a joint decision. Sometimes when I look around, I realise that almost everything has Linda’s mark on it, sometimes painful, but sometimes very comforting, refreshing old memories. If I moved I would lose so so much, so I don’t think I will, plus at 69, it wouldn’t be so easy, I think I’ll stay where I am, with my memories.
I fully realise this doesn’t suit everyone, moving could be the perfect choice. Just give it plenty of thought and know it’s the right decision for You, can’t undo it afterwards.

take care and keep well 

A few weeks after Gills funeral I couldn't cope.  Walked into an estate agents in town and asked to put our home of 37 years on the market.  The lady behind the counter advised me that I should come back in 12 months, that the house would keep pace with inflation so I would lose nothing.

Turns out it was good advice.  Where we live house prices are low - our 3 bed semi with good sized garden front and back £150k, a terraced is £120k.  So even if I downsized, after taking the cost of moving into consideration financially I wouldn't be much better off.

What better put it into perspective was selling the touring caravan last weekend, haven't slept much since, feel like a traitor getting rid of Gills pride and joy.  Logic says the best time to sell is just before the big Easter bank holiday, prices are at their highest due to Covid fears, if I am going to do it, then now is best.  But .......

The happiness that it brought Gill kitting it out in matching everything, the adventures that we had, the adventures that we had planned and ran out of time - gone. Only me left to remember, no-one to reminisce with.

No our house is staying with me

strewth this is hard